i've drained myself out.
i dug deeper and deeper into my own grave.
everything sounded the same to me.
i tilted my head in order to understand the words you've been saying to me
but i don't understand.
they all try to pull me out of this "rut" but it's like quick sand and i'm not afraid anymore.

i tried to tell them.
you don't understand how scared i was knocking on my counselor's door,
hands shaking,
knees numb,
on the verge of tears.
i couldn't do this anymore but i wanted to live,
i needed help.
for the first time,
i wanted to get better.
so i did it,
i knocked on the door of another with a ghost mind.
"i'm going to be healed. it's only up from here, i can feel it. things are going to get better."
i told her everything,
from my parents
to my siblings
to my friends
to how school drained me out to the point where i was numb.
she called my parents and my sisters and my brothers.
made me take a test to evaluate how sad i am.
she gave my mother papers of places to get help,
i did it.
i'm going to make it.
i'm going to see my graduation day.
i'm going to see my sisters and brothers get married.
i'm going to live.

but it didn't happen.
my family hugged me and for a few days there was hope,
there was talk of appointments.
but nothing.

a few days later, she told me that i should stay where i was,
my gpa was good and that's what mattered right?
it didn't matter if i've broke down while in class
or lashed out to teachers
or cried myself to sleep because of my class
or that this ******* class was one of the root that fed me my sadness,
right?

i found every paper given to my parents in the trash.
my siblings returned to their normal lives.
my counselor stopped seeing me.

it was like it never happened.

i don't think i'll ever come back again.
i'm afraid there'll be a day where i stare at nothing again but never come back again.

you're asking me to stay still and let it wash over me
but it's drowning me
over and over again.
do you know how afraid i feel to see the sky splitting into two over and over again?
you're asking for something i can't give you,
to stay here.
they keep saying that this will all pass and time heals the pain,
but time won't bring him back.

it's hard to write about the happy things or the happy times.
i used to write in the perspectives of other people so i can purposely lose myself.
i did everything i could to forget my name.
i forced my heavy eyelids to stay open while five sleeping pills tried to do their job,
this feeling made me feel not scared when the ceiling spun in circles over and over again.
i learned how to make my mind go into space while my body and soul were still here and every time i do it,
i regret it every time.
none of it works anymore though.
no matter how hard i try,
there's always a point in the night that reminds me that
i'm me.

i remember giving you the cutest nicknames in the world.
lovebug made you hold my hand and pull me close.
baby made you look into my sad eyes and smile.
apple pie made you say those three words that would save my life.

i remember holding your hand.
how your cheeks would turn the most beautiful rose pink.
how my heart would literally bang my chest to hold you too.

i remember how being around you felt like autumn in texas.
it reminded me of all the good times and how the times we spent together were 10 times better.

but it all fades you see,
slowly then all at once.
one day we woke up and you realized that for the past five years,
you want to stay behind,
in the past,
with every nightmare and empty cup of coffee was.

pulling my arm to stay behind too,
i couldn't.

looking back i would've done it differently.
i would've sat next to you and continued to burn pieces of my heart and soul for you to make light in the darkness you wanted to live in.

how long has it been since i felt here?
looking at the clock,
the minute and the hour hand seem to go through periods of stopping all together and rotating so fast counter clockwise that i can feel my brain frying to nothing.
seeing you hold her and not me made me feel everything and nothing.
the environment i've been building inside my mind,
calling it my "safe place"
burned down to the ground.
watching the fire dance and kick my crumbs of progress made me feel the warmth radiate throughout my whole body.

how long has it been since i felt here?
i walk these halls feeling nothing.
sitting through hour long classes doing what i'm told to do and talking how i'm supposed to talk.
my friends break my trance of me consistently staring off into the space that i see in the wall and in every object i stare long enough into.

how long has it been since i felt here?
i keep telling myself to snap out of it.
that i'm here and i'm not as lost as i feel.
"you're young. you have your whole life ahead of you",
they tell me this all the time as they bury me and push me deeper into my end.

i feel completely and utterly lost.