i.*
She's beautiful. She's an angel. She's everything we asked for.* I cried for the hopes and dreams of a future that was never mine. I didn't know any better, so I kept crying.

xiv.
You can't run around like before anymore. Don't get your knees *****. Elbows off the table. Grow up. I brushed my hands of the dirt and picked myself up, because ladies weren't supposed to pick earthworms out of the grass. I picked up eyeliner instead.

xvi.
I'm trusting you. Don't get into trouble. Don't do anything dumb. There's something satisfying about hearing the roar of an engine at the start of a July evening. With the wind in your hair, freedom at your finger tips, I could have done anything. But I shut off the car and went inside.

xviii.
You're grown up now. You're an adult. You can't afford to make stupid mistakes anymore.  I was composed of keg stands, one night stands, roommates, 2am Taco Bell runs, first dates, caffeine, prayers, tears, insecurities, heart to heart talks, "just try it, it's fun, I swear", friends that turn into bridesmaids, broken promises and broken hearts. I can still hear the train's whistle.

xxi.
I told you not to do anything dumb. I told you not to make stupid mistakes. I don't know what to tell you anymore. Here's a standing ovation to being immortal; hats off to the teary drunken nights and the existential crises. These are the days that we'll look back and wish we never wasted and I'll wonder why I let you wipe your muddy shoes on me.

through the cusp of
predawn heavy dark i woke,
one knee too cold to
feel. stars imperfectly ablaze;
radial fractions between
soft fingersplits in overlying canopy.
at ground level, spinning
slowly, i pried a small hole
out of my cocoon of moss. drew
legs to chest. felt clean air wash
up and over me. this is all that
matters. everything. acres alone,
save trapped stoat or the small
hawk in my ribcage. kea call
up at pearl flat; hours later,
i thaw. i rescind no sentiment.
and i dare not take back a
mote of motion. my
hands mend you sweetness on hazy
days the sun careens through
dust and valleys.
                                endless spurs
on all horizons to clamber to
you, or just to find me. endless
convection to spread wing under.
endless permutations of lovers; but,
of course, nobody else
would near suffice.

down a darkened trail, sleep
heavy on shoulders, i waltz with
torch dying in one hand. beating
heart in other. a fine
day crawls up over
peaks; i sigh, smile,
endlessly think
of you.

I'm sorry I stole your *****.
I'm sorry I texted you drunk.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
I'm sorry I always forget to take my medication.
I'm sorry I still haven't told you I've been seeing her.
I'm sorry I fell asleep.
I'm sorry I cried on the phone.
I'm sorry I texted you on New Year's Eve.
I'm sorry I can't love you back.
I'm sorry I sent you pictures.
I'm sorry I sent him pictures.
I'm sorry I blamed you for my heartbreak.
I'm sorry I only come to you with heartbreak.
I'm sorry I forgot to water the plants.
I'm sorry I got blood on your jacket.

When did I fall in love with you?
It's not a matter of "when" but rather "how".

I fell in love with the way headlights danced on your skin on the night drives home.
I fell in love with the way your smile set my world ablaze with light.
I fell in love with the way you held me close and kissed my cheeks ever so gently.
I fell in love with the way you looked at me at random times and smiled, then held my hand even tighter.
I fell in love with the way that I felt so safe wrapped in your arms.
I fell in love with the way you were open to me when all my past lovers had been closed off.
I fell in love with the way that my love for you made all my days bright and worth living.
I fell in love with the way that you were all I ever needed and wanted.
I fell in love with the way that everything was so easy and free
between us.
I fell in love with you, and to be truthful, I'm still falling.

m.h.

i don’t love you, i love you, i loved you.