i want to be with you.
i want to spend my mornings staring into your eyes
i want our bodies to make sparks just like we used to
i want to listen to your laugh and see you smile
i want to fall asleep to the sound of your voice
and your soft kisses at the nape of my neck
i want to listen to your favorite songs
dance like idiots and smoke underneath a blanket
i want to grow old with you
and see you change into the man
i always knew you were
more than anything,
i want you to be happy
i want you to live
i want you here
you're my sweet sweet sunshine.

i'm exhausted
of Rx bottles and diagnostics
of appointments and waiting rooms
confusions and delusions
of crying on the bathroom tile
and losing track of time
inhaling and exhaling just to stay alive

life's a crowded room if you ask me.

Beginning
In a craving
Never reaching the
Goal, never making it to the
E**nd

today i am a hole
i am a relapse of yesterday
and last year
I am not the light i've come to see
i am darkness
engulfing my heart
and turning it blue
so it can slowly freeze over
to bring me back
to times i thought
would never be seen again

sometimes I notice that the snow falls comparably to how I do
and lands with the intention of staying awhile
so I stare in awe at the crystals of ice glistening
over a blank sheet of perfection
and maybe that's how you see me
but i'm freezing
i can't give you warmth and comfort
but that doesn't stop you
from laying down and making snow angels
that watch over me and make sure that
I won't be cold for much longer

there's no way out of these weary eyes
and crystal bones
just outside the hospital
the cab is waiting
to take you home to me

your pride is just too big
to fit inside my skin these days
to me, you're just
shriveled on a the concrete
a waste of space
just another side walk to clean

don't disappear
I need you near
to keep me here

I once had a man in my life
who told me I wasn't hungry
while I was starving
and that I should be a little more fortunate
and think about those who have nothing
while I'm throwing up and throwing away
the one thing we need to survive

but I don't think he understood
how much pressure he put on me
to look the part and act it, too
I guess he never knew
how hard it was for me to hear
that I wasn't hungry, I just "wanted" food
when it was very much the opposite.

im numb to the way
my heart spins around
you
i forgot the feeling of butterflies
and the heaviness inside your eyes
an eager glance into your heart
is just enough for me to fall apart
and this isn't right
this filthy life
where ghosts hide
their wasted lives
you're what makes me feel alive

I cried for you
I tried for you
I lied for you
I'd side with you
Decide for you
Confide in you
Provide for you
Misguided by you
Collided with you
Subsided because of you,
I died for you.

you form galaxies inside of me
you shoot venom through my veins
and hold my world in the palm of your hand
you release butterflies in my chest
and warm up my heart by the fire burning in yours
you shoot rockets in my mind
that explode into a shade of red that no one has seen
you give me ringing in my ears
that sounds like waves crashing against my body
floating out at sea
for a love that you gave to me and took all of it away
I wish i could give you all of this back.

So close, yet so far
Every time I reach inside myself
To feel around for that small piece of hope
Thats growing like cancer throughout my body
I can feel it, aching to be shown off
But I search and I search and it can't be found
Am I looking hard enough?
Am I searching for that glimmer of hope?
Or am I searching for something very different
Like the hate and wickedness that engulfs my heart and gnaws at my bones
Easier to be found and easier to accept
What I want, not what I need.
But how could dark over-power the light?
I am dark
Dark like a new moon night
And dark enough to always shadow the light.
So I wait for the day
When the sun is shining
And so am i.

maybe wherever you are
there is greener grass
and brighter skies
that compliment your crooked smile
and tired eyes
and i'd like to think
that you are every star in the sky
but not even the sun
could compare to your light
that everyone could see
only when it was too late
talking to the angels
seems more romantic
knowing that I could be talking to you

Counting calories, telling lies
She'll keep this up until she dies.
Empty eyes, empty stomach, empty heart, empty mind;
What I've become is enough to drive myself mad
Empty, empty, empty. I'm nothing but sad.
So here it is girls, the rumors were true
I try so hard to be as skinny as you.
A monster, A *******, empty, empty girl;
I'm killing myself with my poor mental health.
Starving for beauty, beauty is pain
My head hurts so bad, I'm going insane.
Clutching my ribs, my thighs caving in
They were right--
Anorexia wins.

she smells like
smoke
3 day unwashed hair
sitting still for hours
melting clock ticks
lighter fuel and dry hands
blood shot eyes
stuck to a screen
a scratchy throat that mutters
but can't speak a word
you'd think she tastes sour
but she's actually quite sweet

you probably don't care
but someone does
you probably never asked
but then again,
no one did.

The doors are open
you don't know how.
Why did I open my eyes
just to see you die
Why didn't I see it
Unfolding again?
Why didn't you stop me?
You saw me headed for disaster.

Why didn't you open your eyes?
And why did you let yourself die?
I knew that I'd gone too far
but I let myself fall too hard

I should have opened my eyes and saw what would start
I should have know right from the first ****** scar
That my heart would be broken
My body torn open
My mind always coping
My soul always hoping
That my eyes would see me back to the start.

I'd like to know if it was beyond my control
Why did I let you revert?
I just wanted to see you hurt.
But that masochistic state of mind
Is how I let myself die

How does it not hurt me
to cut my own skin and deprive my body?
Why am I sad that I woke up today?
On my death bed still wondering
how much I weigh

I should have opened my eyes and saw what would start
I should have know right from the first ****** scar
That my heart would be broken
My body torn open
My mind always coping
My soul always hoping
That my eyes would see me back to the start.

Back to start,
before I fell apart

Back to the start,
a beating heart.

Back to the start

If only I could just restart.

This is nobody's fault but my own
and that's the part that scares me
I don't have a story
where I list my triggers
and where it all began
with who
doing what
when
because it wasn't an exact time or place
when I started to see me as too big
and the world, too small
now I'm left to die with a vision
of watching my stomach
rise and fall

Before
I** leave
Please know I
Only
Loved you when I
Absolutely knew
Reality was long gone

Don't believe
In much
Since you left
Or how to cry
Really it's just too
Difficult to
Even
Recognize your face

When I lie and I cry and I just want to die
and I'll say anything just to get by

When my heart grows weak and it hurts to speak
and I struggle to survive another week

When I'm kicked down
I learn to stay on the ground

I learn to keep my mouth shut
and speak through the cuts

My eyes sink in and my head will spin
from lack of the light but it seems far too bright
so I close my eyes and say my goodbyes

Life starts to fade out, that's what it's about

everyone dies, everyone cries, everyone lies
everyone's in disguise, all feeling demise

So we close our mind
because we're too scared to be blind.

ive been told my whole life
that i was crazy instead of brilliant
so i grew up thinking
that my opinions were wrong
and my ideas were impossible
until i looked in the mirror
for the first time at beautiful words
scribbled across my mind
instead of words i'd always come to regret
carved into my body with metal
dipped in red ink

I've never felt so numb
where I can't even bring myself
to type words or to rub the tears from my eyes
because you are the most important thing
I've ever held near my heart
It sickens me to know
that yesterday was the last time
I'd ever hug you
or kiss you or hold you
or laugh with you
or cry with you
because you're gone
sooner than I hoped you would leave.

today
I washed away my sorrows
my deepest inner part
to concrete

my eyes were in tears
my stomach turning
my throat burning
my nose running
and a disgusting scent
rotting away in my mouth

but I couldn't help but notice
a lifted weight
a dizzy high
a strange goodbye
to time passing by

as my weight dropped
and all I could do is sit back and watch
as I slowly killed myself
and enjoyed it

blood stained fingernails
hollow eyed
intestine pasta
with a beating heart side
you don't need it
but i need it
a swig of ipecac
to polish off your favorite shade of wine
a kick of copper and regret

but i am eating
her stomach grew smaller
she drowned a little deeper
a nasty lie beneath gritted teeth

come back darling,
dinner is served

it scares the hell out of me
that i have the option to find new beginnings
it makes me sick
knowing that you are letting me

after months and years of slowly melting together
colliding with each other's colors
of soft gray and deep blue
you fade away

but I need you here
and you don't know how it hurts me
to see you smile at everyone else except me
while I'm screaming for you to notice me
but then it all makes sense
and i fall on the floor
you don't care anymore.

and in that instant, you were gone
like a puff of milk white smoke
crashing against a wall of wind
i can smoke until my lungs turn grey
i still won't be able to smoke you away
but just when i get used to the thought
that you are going to stay
just like a puff of milk white smoke
whistling through my teeth.

i knew you wouldn't stay for long
and in that instant, you were gone

You're bright green
because you remind me of life
and happiness
and grass showing through
my thawing ice
and there's something comforting
in knowing that it won't be winter forever.

it was instant
like an electric shock to my heart
that twisted the corners of my mouth
to form a smile
that I have not smiled before

i fell in love tonight
i can't explain why
i can't explain how
but the way he looked at me
sent shivers down my spine
i felt bursts of adrenaline
rushing to my lips
that wanted so badly to scream out
I'M ******* IN LOVE WITH YOU

i felt my bones shake tonight
and my heart rattle its iron bars
for something so beautiful
something so instant
something i haven't really felt before

i fell in love with you tonight

I'm scared to death of the feeling
I get when I can no longer feel my mind
taking off into space
and leaving colorful trails of stars and tears
We're hiding so much
and there's so much pain
so I come to that place when my mind
feels amazingly blind to memory
and I'm floating in this superficial
atmosphere I've made for myself

I don't think, at least
that you think about me
when I'm all alone
spilling out the secrets
that I've hid for the past few months
because I'm supposed to be
new and improved
when I'm really just
stuck in a rut
thinking about what it would be like
to go back in time
and change my mind
I'm really just broken glass
that have footprints imprinted
on the surface of my world
because everyone fails to see
that I am still broken glass
holding up the world
and you
like all the others
walk on my glass
and fail to notice a crack

Maybe it's the smell of the air
or the stars in the sky
that remind me of those nights
we're you'd ponder life's greatest mysteries
with your 7 year old daughter
and how I'd admire your faith in me
to comprehend the demons of your mind
because one day, they would become mine, too

Or how the wind blows in my face
on a cold winter night and there was something
special about that feeling
because you felt it too

Later we'd spend all day
up on a mountain
by the waterfall
with nature surrounding us
maybe it was the sound of the water
or the feeling of standing on the edge of the cliff
that brought me right back to those days

and how I miss every second

but you left
and now I hate that all I see
is you
when I look in the mirror
or when I think
or when I breathe
or when I cry
or speak

because I can't talk to you, still
without every one of these feelings
rushing back

there's a strange place in my heart
for people like you
who turn sunny skies gray
and usually i'd call you a man
that has the ability to ruin my life
but not anymore
and i know that each passing day
is just another excuse to walk away
i hope that you can see
the tiny glimmer in my eye
behind rough lies and vindictive words
and i hope when you realize
that i'm better off without you
you'll stop running away
and treat me like i'm not your little girl anymore

"take a breath and let the rest come easy,"

you think i don't know how you're so **** greedy
taking all I've got because you're just so needy
and this is hard
because i love you so deeply
but all things aside
why wouldn't you leave me?

i undress my words and dissect my thoughts
we all know this building is just made from blocks
so play me like a game of jenga
pick me apart and polish my pieces
find out their stories and all of their reasons

plant me like a seed,
we could grow with the trees
we'll finally find a way
to live our lives freely

"take a breath and let the rest come easy."

you can judge me for bleeding a different shade of red
but I'd rather you not see my blood at all
I know it's in your nature
to dig under my skin
but please just this once
let me bleed on my own
so that soon enough I won't have to anymore

Crowded here
looking through the peep-holes
thinking about
which one of us will get out
like an arcade game
where his mind chooses
like a crane
which one of us he'll let out next
We know we won't be going home
but anywhere is better than here
stuck with the rest of them
left to deteriorate

it will always be you and me
with tear stains and coffee breath
and pale blue eyes
always another reason to stay
when all your love has gone away
and i miss the way we felt alive
like butterfly kisses and adrenaline highs
we tried, we tried

i miss the way we felt alive.

i'm sorry
that i can't take all of your pain away
i wonder every day if you're ok
and i know that you hide smiles
so i string them around my neck
so that if you need
a chance to bleed
you can lay your heavy world
on my weak knees
you can rest your burdens
on my achy heart
you can steal my heartbeats
to keep you alive
there's nothing i want more
than for you to survive.

deep, dark, all alone
the ocean swallows nightmares
and catches your dreams

endless wishes lost
to a demon in disguise
closing in on hope

your ocean, so pure
a beautiful suicide
i failed to notice

the ocean lied, now
you're deep, dark, all alone
consumed by the sea

it's no surprise
that my once tiny waist
filled up too much empty space
and air to breathe
would scarcely be
enough for me
to fall asleep
but now that it's over
I guess i'm never really sober
you told me wasted space
can never be replaced
I guess i proved you wrong

My body is made up of tiny building blocks
stacked together tightly by those who don't want to see me fall.
But my mind sings words that my heart is too afraid to hear
and as I start to sway, the wind hums
with the rhythm that my mind is playing
my blocks shake and the ones who built me try to silence the music
by shoving magic pills down my throat like I'm some fairy tale.
Late at night when the world sleeps,
my music plays softly through the iron bars in which it is caged in.
I start to dance again and I am finally myself.
But my music is nails on a chalk board.
Angry now, rattling my bones
The blocks fall out of place
with every movement and I feel alive.
I remove my blocks one by one
and I lose myself
My music no longer sounds beautiful
because nothing is beautiful anymore
as my body crumbles
and I realize that my dream,
my paradise,
was a nightmare.

You have broken every thing in my heart
and you continually break it everyday you exist
you have stolen from me
so many experiences and memories that
could have been different
had you not killed the hope I hung on to
like it was my last breath

you've given me so much pain
that I have to hide from everyday
so that you don't think yourself important
because you certainly lack modesty

you are not allowed to hurt me
you are not allowed to break my heart anymore
and mess with my head
or bring yourself joy from watching me suffer
endlessly over you and your twisted words
that haunt me every day you pretend
like you didn't do a **** thing

I'm telling you
I'm screaming it in your ear
I want you out of my life

you will not ruin the one thing I have
that makes all the pain you caused me
blow away and the one person who
lights up my eyes everyday I'm alive
you will not ruin this for me,
like you've ruined everything else

Four bottles of ***** and 10 cases of beer
And everyone's drinking for different reasons
And I'm alone
With all of my friends
don't you see them?
And I'm spinning
And I'm still drinking
And they grab me and pull me to the ground
And rip me open
And spiders crawl out
I lay there
*And I'm alone.

Some people will ask, "why smoke ****?"
In the world of drugs and a sea of speed
they'll say "the acid and ecstasy are all we need."
But there's something so pure
about burning a plant and inhaling life
I'm not looking for a party
and that's the thing about smoking
it will put you in a good place
where you could rest your tired head
from the travesty of reality
and a positive mentality
i'm myself here.

I didn't know you well
but if I did
I would tell you
how your smile lit up the room
how you're eyes radiated life
and how much I admired
you're ability to stay strong
and carry the weight of the world
in the palm of your hand

but I know
she knows
you know
that sometimes
the world gets too heavy
and the weight is too much
and if you need to rest
we will do our best
to understand and accept

it's not over yet
and truthfully your story will never end
you have an eternal place
in our hearts
and in the world

I believe all things will happen
as they do
and if this is the way
things have to be
then I will remain optimistic
because clouds always have
their silver lining.

How the hell could you pick me out of a crowd
and notice my crooked hairline
my slightly larger right eye
the scars on my arms
and call them perfectly beautiful
when all I can see are imperfections
that disgust me in the most painful of ways
because that's me, an imperfection
sadness written in bruises
and you know you can't fix it
but you're willing to try
but I promise one of us will get our hearts broken
because I'll ask you to stay forever
and you can't deal with it

Please don't try to tell me that my love is not enough
And please don't try to save me, I am too broken to touch

My shattered glass is poison to your complex hopes and dreams
When you try to comfort me, I'll place you somewhere in between

My smile drifts like butterflies looking into weary skies
You give me happy lullabies, and I give you my tired eyes

You bloom like May flowers
While I rain down like April showers

Soon enough you'll get sick of the rain
And search for something sane.

I thought you and I'd fit together like a railroad and it's train
But your sunshine-sweet weather didn't fit well with my pain

What a shame our colors couldn't blend
But Black loved every shade of Blue until the end

And while I watched blue search for hours,
He'd never find a love like ours.