I am afraid to be afraid too afraid
        to be still but still healing still
afraid to open all my heavy doors that
        he has seen too much unkempt skin
                 that I am afraid of him that we

are broken that he was always broken but we are nothing
         but bandaged apricots in the rotting August sun and he
is afraid we have too much or not enough time
         afraid of us afraid of me afraid to speak but he
                 breathes hot scorpion-kissed lullabies into

my neck into scarlet corners of my pituitary
         poisons all my wearied nerves I used to call him
master used to master our loose laundry I
        refused to fold used to master our loose smiles
                 in front of people I refused to fold for

I used to accept his virulent apologies after business trips
        I used to be afraid of him he used to be afraid
of my amphibian temper afraid of how I
        waxed and waned through tempestuous waters afraid
                that he was always drowning

I am afraid of the dark blue ghosts their red
        angry heat I am afraid to eat cartridged
bullets of my own words silver gunpowdered
        shrapnels if I eat them all lead like you would
seep into the insides of my abdomen

my insides are unreachable have a little
        too much sunshine to carry along when spring
arrives I am scared because the light
        comes in with brilliant blazing eyes
               and sees everything

                            October 8, 2014 7:04 AM

I look around constantly
I slide down in my seat
I hate looking in the mirror
I hide from me
Their words scare me

I roam the hallways with my head down
I speak only when spoken to
I'm not the one people walk over to
Kayla who?
They have no clue

I sit alone at lunch
When I eat I never crunch
I sit in a hunch
It controls me
I cannot finish
I stand and walk away quickly

My skin has gone prickly
As it does every day
My hand accidentally brushes against someone familiar in the hallway
"Geez! Your hands feel like ice! Why are you always freezing?"
I mumble the excuse of a cold lunch
I stumble away

Pull me out,
Pull me clean.
Drive me around,
You’re the best I have seen.

I can’t do it anymore in this stifling room,
I can’t take their faces anymore, their disapproval and doom.
You’re up at the top picking the ripest fruit,
And you hand some down to me to boot.

You like the way I have so much ambition,
I like the way you have made me your mission.

But what if I told you that all the ambition in the world,
Doesn’t help at all, in the heat of the night when my spine has curled.
You said you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I don’t get free,
But I already can’t sleep at night because I can’t be me.

This isn’t just some teenage angst that drives our friends up the wall,
This is my need to be pulled to safety, away from the fall.
We can do this I know, we will get away from here,
One day my heart won’t be filled with this fear.

But right now, dear friend, I just need you to remind me again,
That it will all be ok, that they can’t spell my end.

Pull me up,
Pull me free.
Let me drink from your cup,
Please help me see the life that you see.

I can't seem to accept that you're gone
Constantly I find myself turning around only to discover you're no longer there
I miss you so much
Though you died nearly six years ago,
At night I cry myself to sleep missing your presence
Why...why did you have to leave me in this world all alone
It's so cold in this dark corner,
And my tears only make it worse
Every night I would wish upon the stars hoping for your return,
Write sad song wishing you would respond
BUT YOU NEVER DO!!!!
I can't help but blame myself for your death;
Maybe if I was there you would still be alive,
Or maybe I would be dead as well
Now the only thing that brings me comfort is this gun to my head
It speaks to me, ya know (laughs nervously)
It say that all I need to do is pull the trigger and all my pain will go away
Then we can be together once again,
But I don't want to die yet
I mean yes my heart aches
It even has a gaping hole in the center of it
But somehow it still remains in tact
Half its original mass, but still fighting to survive
Everything I know today is because of you
You taught me that life was a heartache
That it will stab me non-stop trying to get me to break
It almost got me to
I was on the verge to breaking
Almost forgot everything and gave in to the night
So close to smiling because I was losing my mind
But it's not over yet, not for me
Now that I see its treacherous ways
I'm ready to stand tall like you taught me to do
Thank you grandpa, I owe it all to you

I gave you something you can never give back,
Don't you mind.
If you see the scars in my hand,
Don't you mind.
I nearly killed somebody,
Don't you mind.
I did something terrible to your body,
Don't you mind.
I was thinking about killing my self,
Don't you mind.
I love you,
Don't you mind.