It took me quite some time
to realize
that there comes a point
when love
is no longer a good enough excuse
to endure
constant disappointment.

When you are silent,
You give me a blank.
And boy, do I fill it.
I fill it with all of my fears.
I fill it with assumptions.
I fill it with the pain of my past.

When you give me a blank,
I fill it with worst case scenarios.
I get that knot in my stomach that tells me you're gonna give up on me any time now.

When you give me a blank,
I break my own heart.
So please, just talk to me.

Rolling with my thunderstorms,
violet shifts to black
and you run ashore.

Capsized outside a theatre,
I wrench you out
from the starfish glob of mess
I made, blow the grit
off your forehead,
scrabble for a candle
we can re-light together.

One time, mud snatched
at your ankles.
You screamed but I was seeing
drains and reflections
twisted in puddles
like fuzzy lines on the old TV.
A migraine came;
I threw it up into the sink
and slept.

Lost count of the times
you've tossed me out
in the snow, garbage among
banana skins, frozen earlobes,
but who chucks a duvet
over my frost-flecked skin
but you,
with a clumsy smile
and mascara raining
down cheeks.
Every time.

Tonight I find you
in the evening fog
after searching
every subway station
my legs would allow.
My shins cry for rest.
The busker plays
Bob Dylan out of tune
but can’t blame a guy for trying.

You discover my eyes,
put your face to my coat,
mumble words like you have
a mouthful of ice.

Lookin’ for a friend?
The 11.04 towards
Borough Hall.
We get on, I catch your breath,
count the hundreds
and thousands of steps
to home.

I've lost gallons of blood
Torn miles of skin
But the darkest of my scars
Started within
You called me a friend
Even called me your kin
I was there with you
To see every end
As the sun dipped way down
You told me you'd stay
It was only right
As you'd come to say
But as night gave way
And I lay awake
Opening my eyes
Was unearthing a grave
You died with what I saw in you
Withered and worn
And inside me something changed

*A scar was born

Shredded liver
tattered soul
Feelings splintered
fractured bones
Heartbroken
mind blown

Walking shoes
   with worn soles

I'm merely collecting pieces
trying to be whole
Footsteps to and fro
going this alone
trying to dethrone
these nomadic throes

Still I cant see down the road
  and I know theres miles to go.

I can see myself now,
Shouting "farewell" to this place
And the lonely souls who occupy it;
Floating around in oblivious, liquid states.
I've felt the tug of roots from the trees,
Grasping my ankles, begging me to join them,
But the promise of concrete skies and neon greetings have gnawed their way
Through my skull.
I won't apologize for giving in to my desires,
For broadening my knowledge
And making use of my short existence.
I am not limited
To this simplistic, little rock.