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 Apr 2020 Anri Atreides
Kagami
Quiet. Sickeningly quiet.
Watching silhouettes pass outside
While the salt dries to the floor at my feet.

Why am I here, waiting?
 May 2014 Anri Atreides
Kagami
This is what I will become.
I will be a forgotten soul,
Just a withered girl, dumb
And without any control.

No way to ever see the truth
And an absolutely brainwashed
Society. Leaking lies, her mouth
Wanting desperately to crash.

The windows to her soul
Are shut and locked,
Afraid after the raid and the ****
Of her happiness.
She has lost all control,
Her mental gun cocked
And loaded, mouth agape
And careless about the future mess.



Fear instilled in ones heart can never be defeated, only conquered.
 May 2014 Anri Atreides
Kagami
Science class is boring. People are loud. I'm hungry. I'm tired. I'm depressed. My numbers have not been good when I rate my emotions at therapy. My mom overreacts to everything and does not listen to my side of the story like always. She acted like it was my fault that I got half credit on a late group assignment. Technical difficulties deleted everything and we turned it in a month late after redoing it. Half credit was generous.
I haven't been able to talk to Sage much recently... I miss him. He is right there and I hug and kiss him daily, but I miss him. I almost had time on Tuesday, but my mom took that away. I feel alone. I've thought recently that I'm ugly. I don't feel good about myself. I promised not to try again or hurt myself, so I found another way... I haven't eaten well recently, meaning I won't eat for a while and then I will binge on junk food... It makes my stomach hurt, but I don't care.
Anyway, I almost had time, and my mom said yes at first, but then I told her that school was good and she asked about the project. Then she said no. I was trying to explain. I may have raised my voice a little, but then she started screaming at me not to yell. I wasn't. Cell phones have microphones. And mine is broken, so it just made it worse. Everything piled up at once and I started to cry. He left before my mom got there and I just sat and cried. A police woman came just to ask if I was okay. I told her I was fine, just a lot of stress and my mom pulled up. I got in the car and she instantly badgered me about why I was talking to the police and when I told her why, she to,d me I was throwing a temper tantrum like a three year old. I told her I wasn't and then her catch phrase came out. I swear, she says it to me every day. "You're full of ****, Kaydee."
I wasn't having a good week to begin with, my numbers were bad all week. Since I only go to treatment once a week now, I keep track of my own numbers until I get back. I seriously contemplated trying again or harming again, but I didn't. I was proud, and thankful that I have at least five people to support me, my family not included. They go back and forth. Everything I do is wrong, I'm full of ****, I'm a liar, and then they love me and only care about helping me.
Do they even understand how difficult this is? We're they ever sent into treatment? Are they living my life with my teachers and my views and disorders? My parents have depression and have attempted, but they still don't get it. If they did, they wouldn't be doing this.

I just want to be let go. I was doing fine until this started. Therapy made it worse. I harmed after I went into therapy. I was pain-sober before then.

My therapy place called me again today. I don't know why they called me and not my mom, but whatever. I don't even care. Normally music helps with things like this but I'm shying away from my normal taste... I've been listening to more Death Cab For Cutie and Regina Spektor. All is well, though. Just softer than the screaming and explicit lyrics I'm used to. More meaningful and poetic, I think.

Well, I think I'll be done. Writing this helped, but I am still on the verge of tears. I need to be done.

   Sincerely, Kagami.
Ps. Yellow, for me at least is not a happy color.
 Mar 2014 Anri Atreides
Kagami
My demon lies,
Crumbling mind, speaking incoherently.
Did you make the right choice. A girl
Sees what needs to be, what wants to be.

And yet, we drift. A silent voice that once lulled me to sleep,
Pushes me away,
A violent shove at my center most light.
A distant voice tells me it no longer trusts.

I am an echo. I can not do what has not been done,
My voice no longer works when I do not listen in return.
There is no music to
Listen to. Only the whistling silence of the wind.

The windows block that out. Windows to the soul
Have shutters that block the paintings on the walls
From the outside world.
Never to be seen by human eyes, even the resident.

Lost is the hottest fashion, these days.
Did you hear?
Independence is taken too far, and isolation
Replaces whatever played peaceful music in the past.

Somehow, the soldiers march to nonexistent drums and
No one utters a word, for fear
That they will be executed.

"You, dear, are too cautious. You need to let me in."
 Mar 2014 Anri Atreides
Kagami
Lace and love,
                  The caress of a lover
         And the smell of roses.

                      Drapes of a deep blue shade
                                               Keep the world away.

"A touch and a sigh, simply, explain how much you miss me."

                                 I tell him so.
      Sheets askew and
                                       Tears of an unwidowed.

         "Kiss me.

Tell me that I am okay,
                   That you are okay.

       That you love me."

                                    Please.

          "I am scared and lost;
    Love me
                              Hold me

Make me feel safe!"

             Please.

                                   "Be gentle."
 Mar 2014 Anri Atreides
Kagami
I am being watched from every angle.
I don't know what to do and I am scared.
I want to be left alone.
Not helpless and afraid, no,
Just step back!
I don't need to go, I don't want to go,
Stop reading the words I write specifically to escape from
The world you brought me into!

Just stop....
I'm going back to notebooks. I am sick and tired of this. Mom? This is aimed at you. Thank you for taking one of the only places I can be heard without you eavesdropping. What more do you want?
 Mar 2014 Anri Atreides
Kagami
I need to say something.
I feel it pulling itself up my throat and
Through my lips, but it has been nothing
But my breath since I first thought of it.

I have no tolerance for anything,
Anxiety and impatience are taking over
And I know that no one will accommodate for me,
But I need to fix this somehow.
 Mar 2014 Anri Atreides
Kagami
If it was known before that I have done what I have done,
I still would not be here. Any sooner, I would be gone, and later and I would have fallen apart more than I am now.
Please just leave me be.
I don't want to leave, but I want to go.
And it is all your fault.
My mom found out that I hurt myself yesterday. I just want her to leave me alone... Is that too much to ask? She caused this! Her and the rest of the people that judge me, don't understand me. I feel used, I am a puppet. This is exactly ******* why I did what I did in the first place! I need my own life!
 Feb 2014 Anri Atreides
Kagami
Red
 Feb 2014 Anri Atreides
Kagami
Red
My heart beats,
My heart is red. The blood runs through
And infects my head.
My cheeks burn,
I blush bright pink. My head is spinning,
I feel my stomach sink.
My body shakes,
My body wants. A thought of you
Is a thought that haunts.
My lips tremble,
My lips kiss. My throat burns
When it's you I miss.
My arms embrace,
My arms show my love. I pull you down
Just to see you above.
My eyes feel heavy,
My eyes see you. You look at me
With your eyes of nearly blue.
I see your face,
I see your eyes. The color changes,
The color cries.
I feel your lips,
I feel your grace. With an addicting drug,
Your tongue is laced.
I want your body,
I want your soul. I will keep you forever.
That is my goal.
I love your voice,
I love your mind.
I love the way you are always so kind.
I love your body,
I love your touch.
The scent you give: I can't get enough.
I love your laugh,
I love the times
That we can sigh and empty our minds.
We wait for the future,
We wait for a life
When we escape from our lives and I become your wife.
I wish to the earth,
I wish to the moon,
That everything we want will come very soon.
I wish to the trees,
I wish to the sun,
That you will be my, and I will be your, only one.
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