Im giving you a second chance,
Heres the key to my heart.
Dont hurt me,
Dont break it again,
Because this time,
I wont be able to pick up the pieces.

I try to write a poem,
I try to make it rhyme,
But with every passing line,
I ***** up time after time.

But what if writing doesn't even help?

You're not gay,
You're not bi,
You're a ******* *****.
You think it will make you popular to kiss a girl,
And date one?
No.
It ***** with real gay relationships.
Quit your ****.
You're the same person who last year was like "eww" when you saw 2 lesbians in the hall.
Quit your ****!
Its ******* me off.

This nightmare,
Its reoccurring,
And never ending.
Its the kind that jerks you awake,
In the middle of the night,
From the deepest slumber you have ever felt.
Its panic.
Its like you were laying there,
Not asleep,
But dead,
And then you're shocked back to life,
And your heart starts violently pumping blood,
The juices that keep you alive.
But then once you're awake,
And alive again,
You'd expect the nightmare to be over...
Right?
No.
Its not over.
It follows you throughout the day,
And then enters and takes control again,
At night,
When you're at your weakest,
Most vulnerable point,
When you're asleep.
This nightmare has a name,
Its called life.

And if you choose to stay,
Mark my words:
"I AM LOVE; and my love will not stray."
My breath is like the wind; my lips are the sky.
Be careful where the words of lighting strikes,
Love will not die.

Dear Wandering Poet,
I pray you find your muse.
That you over turn a stone where your babbling brook dried up and are washed with the written word.

Cuando yo dije "te amo"
I meant it.
Cuando tu dijiste "te amo"
You didnt.
Odio que me mientan.

I cant see to write. My tears have blurred my vision and the paper is soaked.

This isn't a poem but more of a testament,
If your eyes and your smile do this to my body
I can only imagine how your hands would feel.

It's hard to be a loyal Christian
When you find comfort in HER arms
And judgment on the church pews.

My **** country accent.
Why?
Why do you make me sound like a back woods hick,
With no education?
I know that in the town I come from,
You cant go a mile without seeing a cow field or a church,
But cut me a little slack.
I aint country like yall.
Do I look it?
I dress in black.
My hair is straight.
Eyeliner is my bestfriend,
And Converse are a necessity.
Why must I sound like yall?
I may speak the same,
As you back woods,
Out in the holler,
Country folk,
But I aint like you.

Happy Birthday?
Is it really happy?
Family forced to get together that doesn't want to be together to celebrate someone getting one year closer to death,
Who also doesn't want to be there.
Its that one day of the year where people who you never talk to,
Who you didn't even know you were friends with on Facebook post two words on your wall and ignore you for another 365 days.
The "Happy" in "Happy Birthday" isn't there anymore.
Its just a day when people are forced to smile,
And eat ****** cake,
And spend wasted money.
Whats the point anymore?

"I could stare at your eyes all day."
She says.
I wish she would.
Because at the same time shes staring at me,
I'm staring back at her.

The things you say,
And do,
May impact a person beyond your belief.
Just whispers behind their back,
A giggle at their fall,
Or a small mocking comment,
May be enough,
To push them over the edge.

I never meant to break your heart, I was just trying to preserve myself.

I long for those nights in which I absentmindedly fall asleep while praying.  Talking to god like hes my bestfriend.

I look normal,
Like another average human,
Well as average as drama nerd can be.
But I'm not normal,
I just appear to be.
The things that make me different,
That set me apart from others,
They also make me a monster.
They make me a monster because I let them.
I let myself believe,
And then the demons consume me.

As kids,
We couldn't wait to grow up.
Why?
We couldn't wait for more stress?
For one day closer to death?
For bills,
And drama?
Now that I'm closer to being grown up,
I understand that's its a trick,
Set by Satan himself,
And I want to go back in time.
I want to go back,
I want to grow young.

There's a man standing down behind the tree, maybe that's a face, maybe that's a leaf. I'm terrified of the dark.

Sometimes I think out break up was more dramatic than the fall of the Berlin wall.

A poet in love is like a match soaked in gasoline,
And when a poet falls in love,
With someone no more than another poet themselves,
A catastrophe is created.

Where has my inspiration fled to?
It took most my problems and ran away,
Held them captive,
Left anxiety by side.
No inspiration for my poetry,
Poetry being my outlet,
Thoughts swirling around,
Cant figure a way out,
Overwhelming,
Panic.

And the conductor said:
Imagine as you sing these words
"Oh my luve's like a red red rose"
That your love is here and youre singing it to them
And just like that there she was
Standing on stage
As if she was actually there
I could feel her.
I wanted to feel her.
So caught up in the beauty of my girl
Who was momentarily intangible
I forgot to sing.

"You're so cute, I bet you have guys hanging off of you.
You could have any boy in the town.
I dont see why you don't have a boyfriend."
Well,
Thats because I don't want one.
Shut your face now,
K?
I dont want a boyfriend.
I want a girl.
Try to understand that.
I dont care if you accept it,
But give understanding a shot.
No mom,
I'm not asexual.
I do find people attractive,
But not particularly guys.
Quit making all these comments,
And just ask me.
I know its going through your head.
You're in denial.
You're worse than I was.
Ask me.
The next time I tell you,
"I dont want a boyfriend."
Let the words leave your mouth,
"Would you want a girlfriend?"
Just say it.
Its okay.

Why is religion a bad tool
Used to turn a general nice person
Into a raging political *******?

God should be used as love
And a light for your path
Not as a weapon.

When I was younger,
I was told "Your teenage years will be the best years of your life."
Well then,
****.
Can I turn around?
And grow young,
Instead of grow old?

When I was younger,
I imagined my teen years as parties,
And sneaking out late to see the boy that my parents hated.
I imagined being the prettiest,
And most popular girl in the school.
I imagined everything but this.

As a teen,
If this is the best years that I'll get,
Then let me be done now.

Because as a teen,
There's drama,
And ***.
Drugs,
And suicide.

Nobody ever mentioned that...

Nobody ever told me that I might not grow up to be normal.
That instead of sneaking out to see the boy that my parents hated,
I would be sneaking out to see a girl,
That my parents had no clue about.
Nobody told me about these feelings I would have,
The feelings I hate more and more by the day.
Nobody ever told me that I'd get addicted to a thin piece of metal.

My teen years didn't turn out how I thought they'd be.

Instead of parties,
I stay at home,
Alone,
In my room,
Because I hate everyone.

Instead of being the prettiest,
And most popular girl in the school,
I'm the ugly,
Emo one,
That everyone hates.

Nobody ever told me my teen years would be filled with hate.
Hate about everything that makes me up.
They hate me because I'm fat,
Because I'm gay,
And frankly,
Because I'm smarter than them.

People just told me that my teen years would be the best I would ever live,
Well that's just great.

I grabbed death by the wrist and fought with him until the bitter end
And here I stand with Hell buzzing aimlessly by me
Playing hacky sack with Satan.

Im sorry for what I've done.
Im sorry I let you down.
Go ahead and shun,
Cause your daughter's now a clown.

Why are we in love with the sight of our own bones protruding just under the skin?
Why do us girls find our image worth more than a meal
and more important than the signs that our bodies are screaming at us
through hunger pains?
What happens when the only thing your body consumes is lies?
Until death takes over
or until were 20 pounds past our initial goal weight
we wont stop.
That is assuming we can stop.

Am I stupid for believing we ever had a chance to last the long run and make a life for ourselves when at the end we couldn't even hold a conversation?

"Are you gonna be ok?"
No.
I'm not.
I'm not ok,
And I dont think I will be for a long time.
I'm broken,
And crazy.
I need help,
I need somebody to reach out,
Grab me,
Hold me,
And never let me go,
But at the same time,
I dont want anyone near me.
Everyone needs to just go away.

Your love for this girl has been noted,
processed and rejected.
Try again at another time.

Your love for this girl has be noted,
error in transmission.
Try again at another time.

Your love for this girl has been noted,
message failed,
Try again at another time.

Your hatred for this girl has been noted,
message sent.

Your apology for this girl has been noted,
processed and rejected.

Circuit overload.
Do not try again.

If you had the chance,
To take the high and glorious road,
Would you?
Knowing it would be hard,
With heart ache,
And terror,
But coming out on top in the end?
Or would you take the commons road,
That most people take,
Of a boring,
Mediocre,
Half wit life in the end,
But happy the entire time?
Which would you choose,
Being the choice was yours at all?

This generation is going to hell in a hand-basket.
It is,
And its something that cannot be denied.
Its not because of the sins.
People have always sinned,
We're sinners at heart.
Its not because of the gays,
They cant change your views,
And the world isn't growing up gay.
This generation is going to hell because we are lost.
Somehow morals were not enforced,
Only taught and then forgotten.
We have a chance of being saved,
But we wont accept it.
We're stubborn,
And corrupted.
There are a few,
Within our generation,
That have hope.
It is them,
And our parents,
And teachers,
That hold the key to our salvation.
Without them,
We will be forever lost,
And on a one way street,
To hell.

why is it two years later i still find myself crying over your death

Being gay is a disease.
A sickness of the mind
And a corruption of the body
It's a curse to be born with
A damnation to choose
And a life of hell
Bestowed to us by others
Carried on by us.

But we lie, hold our heads up and smile because #pride.

No one knows I skipped my shower last night because I was too depressed to get out of the bed,
that I cried myself to sleep last night because I felt like a dammed *****,
or that I took one look in the mirror and emptied the contents of my stomach last night.
No one knows that I'm not just the smart girl in the front of the class.

You started out with me,
You were part of my family.
You called me *****.
And then you got ****** away from me.
I didn't see you for 3 and a half long,
Agonizing years.
And then all of a sudden you were back with us.
You don't remember me anymore,
I used to be your favorite person.
You stayed for a few months,
Long enough to get to know me,
Start to love me,
And call me ***** again,
And then,
You got ****** away.
Its been a year now,
And I've barley seen you.
I hear you're coming back,
To stay,
Possibly for good.
I hope you do,
I fear that if not,
One day the memories of me will fade,
And I'll be nothing but a stranger.
Your big sister will be nothing to you,
But a semi-familiar face in old photographs.

I have a secret,
That only a few know,
They think its just marks,
But its my pain that shows.
I have a secret,
That I like to hide.
People will judge,
And I can't handle that...
I have a secret,
But its becoming more obvious.
I dont even care anymore.
People see the marks...
I'm lost.
I'm just a lost little girl.
Too much for me to handle,
Too much stress,
So much pain.
So much pain that I just become numb.

Running in sand is like chasing your tail. You're not going to get very far but you're gonna waste a lot of energy.

The threat of relapse is always on my mind,
Its a dream,
And a wish,
To go back to that "safeness" that I once felt.
I miss it,
But I push it to the back of my mind,
And struggle up the mountain,
Until I reach the top.

What if...
Humans are the monsters?

We're these weird,
Evil creatures,
Who take advantage of everyone,
And thing around us.

We had thread that comes out of the top of our hair,
In weird colors.

We have plastic looking stuff on the end of our fingers,
That just keep growing and growing.

We walk on two legs,
And stumble around like idiots.

With that mental picture in your mind,
Are we not the monsters?

I'm strong.
I am strong.
I will not,
And can not,
Let this take me over.
No, not again.
For I fear that I am only one relapse,
Two at most,
Away from my final demise.

I fell in love with the little things you do
Like when you whisper "I love you"
It sends shivers through my soul
And now my heart shines like gold.

I feel like with you gone that
I remain forever breathless
Never to see you again
You're still alive but
Held away from me
I want and need you back
I love you
Because *** without you
I'm not me.

I was lost.
Not physically,
But mentally.
I was wondering around,
Trying to figure out who I was.
But now I know.
I’m not lost anymore.
I was trying to be someone I wasn’t.
I was trying to change for other people.
I know who I am now.
I’m me.
I’m weird.
But my weirdness is what makes me unique.
***** being normal.
***** all the people who mess with you.
Be you,
And be who you are.
That’s a right that everyone deserves.
Be who you want to be.
Be happy.
Don’t hate yourself.
You’re the only you that you have.
This, I learned the hard way.
Be yourself,
Even if it goes against what everyone else says.
Stay fabulous,
My darling.

The year began with another funeral.
**** and ASL. That was it. That was the future.
By now, extremely adept at finding excitement even through second hand experience
I didn't want to make this any harder for him than it already was.
Once my father made a decision,  there was no stopping him.
I swept back one side of my hair with a comb and pinned the white flower over my right ear.
I felt like I was trapped in one of those terrifying nightmares.
Life is bracing with all its peaks and valleys.
there just isn't a whole lot you can say while waiting to get mugged, so I kept my mouth shut.

With all my heart,
I wish only this.
All I wish is...
To touch you...
Kiss you...
Love you...
Hold you...
Love you...
Smell you...
Love you...
Feel you...
Love you...
Be with you...
Love you...
Have you love me...
Love you...
Listen to me...
Did I mention love you?
But I can't.
I know this,
Not now.
I can only do one thing,
Sit here.
Painfully watching you.
I'm chained to you,
I'm chained to your memory.
I dream,
And I dream.
Dream of a day when I can love you.
That day may never come again,
That is why its just a dream.
A dream I wish would come true.
If only,
If only,
If only it would...
I would be the happiest girl in the world.