the moonlight, so bright, looking up at the sunlight,
moments that remind me that tomorrow is just a day away.

he asks me a question i don't fully hear,
throughout the noise of the people behind me.
a hand on my back, a peck on my cheek,
a whimsical feeling in my stomach.

that feeling soon turns as i feel overwhelmed,
sick feeling in your head and mine.
i can't move a muscle, not even an inch,
and he can't move himself further towards me.

a coffee shop the next morning,
cold and shaky hands.
i can't say a word about it,
and he can't help but smile.

we go to the art museum,
the one near my house.
it's loud and crowded and hopeful,
maybe today will be alright?

i find a friend in an old couple,
he takes me away from them.
i'm pulled into a public bathroom,
i throw up in the ******.

a friend touches my shoulder two weeks later,
and in my mind she did me a favour.
the next day i ring my therapist marissa,
and ask her to book me in again.

we talk and chat for hours at a time,
but never about him.
only ever about my family or friends,
but never a mention of him.

marissa dies four months in,
i feel trapped within.
no one can ever find out,
what i ever did with him.

boyfriend and girlfriend,
that's what they call us.
i feel the sickness in my stomach,
why the **** are we called that?

i write love letters in my bedroom,
to no one in particular.
hoping someone will come and save me,
from the situation i've been put in.

i'm not allowed at marissa's funeral,
or my mother's either.
he's my entire world, after all,
and i should be grateful.

i have one friend from high school,
i see her every other weekend.
with both our boyfriends in tow,
i wonder if she'll ever know.

"a girls day out," that's all she says,
wrapped her arm around mine.
"she'll be fine with me!" that's all he hears,
as we leave him for good.

i'm stood in front of her bathroom mirror,
naked and afraid.
she's looking at every single thing,
he's ever done to me.

burns from his cigarette,
bites from his own mouth.
scars from his nails,
bruises from his own belt.

"is this what love is meant to be?"
i ask her bathroom.
i finally get a response,
just a "no" and silence.

that was jamie, and he hurt me,
and i thought another wouldn't.
but it turns out years later,
i was wrong once again.

i move in with my friend,
the one from high school.
she and her boyfriend are married now,
and they seem happy too.

she tells me he beats her,
bites her a lot too.
she kicks and slaps him back,
and i convince her to leave.

in reality we were taught this,
somewhere down the line.
i guess that's why i think it's normal,
why i see it as romantic.

my parents, my friends, my family,
i see it in them all.
behind closed doors it's all the same,
something's ******* wrong.

i guess that's what's normal,
i guess that's what's true,
i guess that's what happens to girls like you.

in 2008 i got given a dictionary
a prize for being able to go to high school
and only recently have i learned of words
that they would think are too cruel

i would call 2013 me an eccedentesiast
bet you don't even know what that means
it's a person who fakes a smile
i only didn't watching my computer screen

afraid of death and afraid of dying
i have been since i was thirteen
that's called thanatophobia
it means something awful to me

don't call me ordinary or i'll get koinophobia
fear of the very phrase and definition
an ordinary life, one i won't be satisfied
with if i died, an unsuccessful mission

someone who understood all the words
without a google search
wouldn't be friends with me
but i could make it work

language is complex no matter what
one that you've known since birth
and if i'm gonna be true to my word
i hate what they're all worth

i stand
in the shower
almost fall asleep
the waters warm

i watch something
on my laptop screen
but i don't remember
what i saw

there's food on the table
right beside me
i can't eat it
it's cold

i showered but
i don't remember
if i washed
my hair

my laptops been
on for hours
yet there's no
chrome activity

the food it must've
been made today
but i don't remember
cooking

i have an
unread message
sent to me
six hours ago

i don't remember
when i woke up
but the text says
good morning

i don't remember
how i woke up
but the text says
good morning

i don't know
if i woke up
but the text says
good morning

i don't know
if i woke up
but i can
touch myself

i can pinch myself
i can hurt myself
i can do whats
normal

but i don't feel
what i did before
i dont feel
normal

i'm in
the kitchen
looking at
the oven

it's on
but i don't
remember
doing that

how long
has it
been on
for?

i check
the bathroom
the shower lights
on

but i don't
remember
if i showered
today

how long
has it
been on
for?

i go
back into
the front
room

a plate
of food
on the
table

but i don't
remember
if i ate
anything

how long
has it
been here
for?

i don't remember

you ruined his name
with the venom you spit
take five minutes
to remember all of it

write down the words
you said to them
as it hit midnight
in dm after dm

it's what the documents
say about you
that rings the biggest thing
that's actually true

i don't know why
anyone ever trusted you
you're useless
and that's the truth

you painted every picture
with blood and guts and glory
claimed everything was fake
and told them all a story

they didn't ask about your wife
they couldn't give a ****
yet somehow it kept coming up
please ******* take a hint

if there was a line to cross
and a boundary to be set
you would've failed every single one
without a bit of regret

but see the funny story is
there was a boundary
and if i remember rightly
it has history

it's not an easy thing to forget
have people act like sheep
its called "don't sleep with your fans
you absolute ******* creep"

it's a pretty fitting name
one that hits the spot
it fills me up
and it won't stop

makes me feel like
you've left a mark on me
and every other person
in my whole family

in my head, it's false
but you're here too
i'm sitting on the floor
right next to you

i can't explain how i feel
or how emotional i get
but what i know is i miss you
and we haven't ever met

the streets filled with people
traffic crowding my view
who knew we'd miss that
who knew it'd be so soon

as soon as we all left
town on that day
we said goodbye to normality
and paved the way

for masks and gel
and all of the kind
i haven't left my house in 40 days
i yell up to the sky

for this is not a normal life
not for someone like you
normal, healthy, perfect
your life isn't this *******

someone like me understands it
i was getting into a routine
four months since i attempted harming myself
four months of being clean

but now i sit in silence
the streets a silent steeple
there are many things i wish
and that is to see other people

but unless i see them on a screen
i cannot do that
i hate myself and i hate this
but that is a fact

today is the start of a new week
i say as i put on clothes
for the first time four days
not too sure why i chose

chose to wear these clothes
i don't have a video call
they say it'll make me feel better
i don't feel better at all

i continue down this path
day in and day out
weekends turn into weeks
someone end this drought

you ever heard of irony
cause i sure have
it's the reason why i'm here
and boy am i glad

i'll be smiling with my
friends just right
while you'll be pacing
around the room all night

the ironic thing is
that this wasn't planned
not then, not tomorrow,
i'll certainly not stand

with you by your side
all through it all
you broke that promise
when you punched my wall

cause i open my eyes
and see a beautiful day
unlike the misery
i listened to you say

go here, go there,
go everywhere but your house
now i don't listen,
planting fire and just douse

douse it with all
the mistakes you made
and all the ones
i made and laid

as you sacrifice me
and i sacrifice you
isn't that in a relationship
what you're meant to do?

maybe we should go back
back to december
sit and talk together
about what we remember

cause we were young back then
naive to the world and ****
talk for one more minute
and take one more hit

september, november
every month passed it
think i would forget
but i just sit

and remember what we did
remember what you said
i'm sorry babe but
i'm going to bed

i wonder what happened
months pass and go
it was raining, then sunny
now all around me's snow

i don't know what i did
let alone what i do
we were perfect
we stuck together like glue

but now it's been some time
do you even remember my name?
i sit back and ask myself why
am i remembering when you came

to my birthday party and laughed
told me i was stupid
my mother thought it was love
acting like cupid

maybe we'd be fine
if i had actually heard you
every word you ever said
i couldn't get caused to

it's the same question i get
asked every single day
who is that? who are they?
how long until they go away?

you yell and scream
i understand, i do
but listen about it
through my point of view

maybe you're an *******
maybe i'm a ****
you don't have to be an ***
i don't have to be a *****

wake up one day and smile
it won't hurt, i assure you
maybe you'll feel happy
maybe you won't be blue

heads filled with desire
why are my hands are painted red?
it feels as though i just turned eighteen
will it happen again to another?
i think and think of all the memories
is my fighting against you enough?
i was as you drive on the road
maybe there’ll be justice someday

eating grapes at the side of a road
don't know where i'm going
but i'm not going home

speeding down the highway of life
i'm kind of maybe ok
but nothing's quite alright

whistling through the bushes at 180 degrees
don't know what i'm doing
but i can feel the breeze

this is what it feels like to live inside my mind
no one questions your actions
they all just act blind

my heart broke
tore into two
when you said
we'd be better soon

when you said
we could be friends
my heart was destroyed
is this the end?

the end of us
and all that i've known
since april of last year
it was all blown

blown up in my face
as though it was fine
i contuned to be happy
anything to pass the time

but it hurts the more i think
of what we once were
the memories and songs replay
but they're only a blur

i'll move on eventually
that's what my friends say
stay here, hold on
it'll be better one day

but to me it won't be
and never ever will
i love you ya idiot
even now still

i threw the ring to someone else
i found it, did i tell you?
it wouldn't have mattered anyway
you would've felt the same too

but as one part of my life ends
another must begin
college is awful and boring and ****
but i have hope within

hope you will be better
hope i will too
and maybe one day
i'll finally forgive you

every single night
day by day
you hold onto me
want me to stay

i stay and agree that
it was a mistake
i say i'll never again
but i have an ache

deep inside my body
it's a thing that you know
something you'll never find
it keeps you on your toes

but there's something
that i've never said
no words i come out with
can truly comprehend

that i'm short of temper
short of patience
short are all the memories
short of all the time we're wasting

short is everything we did
happy times with you and me
they're not many of which i can count
far and wide and few in-between

your name is mark
that's probably what you left me
not physical ones that itch
but mental for the world to see

mark, mark, mark everywhere
and everywhere is gone
as though my body is levitating
and i am seen by none

you block my vision
you cover my ears
i drop down to my knees
i cry out my tears

marks are all on me
in my brain and on my body
marks are all that i ever see
all of them are gaudy

mark, mark, mark, mark
that's what they would say
if they saw how i looked underneath
they wouldn't care anyway

marks along my whole body
itching, scratching, biting my teeth
i hold on as no one listens
it's my only remedy

in the morning golden leafs
flow through the wind
on golden trees

during the afternoon golden leafs
crinkle and crumple
as people walk and stumble

they admire the brightness of such leafs
and such beauty
papered onto the tree

in the evening the golden trees
turn off their light
and hide it from the world

at night the golden trees
retreat into the dark
and turn back green

because they were always green
secretly golden
and always ashamed

you argued a lot
so you changed his soul
hold onto the wand
and let there be gold

one day you'll understand
what you mean to me
and when you do
you'll see

i'll be watching you
in the morning sun
a smile on my face
complex to none

we stay out late
come home early
this isn't life
this is a dream, surely

we stay together
no matter what
because i love you
you keep your mouth shut

we sneak around
as our relationships crumble
but we'll stay together
we'll stay humble

we'll stay out together
hold hands as we walk
stay together forever
that's what we thought

he screams and yells
as you sit back and listen
to every word he says
the glow makes you glisten

he runs and he argues
how everyone knew
but only we did
not the rest of the crew

i can't see him
but i can see you
i want to cry out
i loved you too

you drip with blood
you look like art
this isn't simple
it's a change of heart

if we live we live together
if we jump we jump whenever
if we stay we stay forever
if we stand we stand wherever

you ask what they're doing
even though you know
every word they wrote
about you for tomorrow

you heard every single comment
got them repeating word for word
you're holding on tightly
'cause your perception is blurred

you bow down when they don't listen
shut up when they're presenting
you're the beauty and the beast
yet you also keep 'em guessing

you're the queen and the king
all rolled into one
you're holding onto their hands
and now we're done