i didn't know why i felt dark as i dwelled in the light.
i mean, everything is fine, going well, all swell,
and yet i felt dark and well....left in darkness.
wishing i was dead, crying in the silence of the night at 1am, i was hoping someone could hear my chocked cries.
.
but then.
you reminded me you are real.
you have always been.
you opened my eyes, you opened my wrinkled hands.
you've held my heart close to yours.
your light shines true.
your love, grace, mercy, kindness rings true.
and maybe i don't know why i feel the way i do, the way my mind is wired.
but you say your plans are good.
your plans would not harm me but give me a hope and a future.
you will be my light, my strength, my hope.

and i will shine your light on other people too.
i will do my best.

so here is what's going on, my heart is cut in half, in between the world and you.
between the pain and the summer hues.
between the "my identity is found in Christ." and "who are you."

I push and pull, I try to ****** my heart back, but yet I want to lay it in your hands, with all its contents.
so now I am struggling with my own heart.
I want to obey and then not.
I want to unwind then there's a knot.
then my blood clots.

then my heart stops pumping, pumping for God knows what.
if it isn't pumping for you O Lord, then what's the point.
then where's the purpose, where's the truth.
I will only be living.
and that's it.
simply moving, simply breathing, simply blinking my time away,
simply letting my life run away.
"run this race."
but I can't even keep up the training, and i know the way but I don't follow it.

am I going to heaven?
I don't know.
I am not assured of what's coming.
where I will be, for all of eternity.

you aren't helping yourself you know.
you are feeding that feelings that's been clawing your heart.
you're feeding it.
yet you want to be free from it.
yet it made you tired and you want to give-up.
please don't
i can tell you this, you are stronger than you think you are.
stop dwelling in this darkness, in this pain and suffering,
he is willing to help you, guide you, lead you, love you and never leave you.
Jesus loves you.

it's not very long you know...
if you really think about it.
thinking you are still young but you are halfway around the clock.
whatever you do, its recorded.
whatever you do, it matters.
you are just passing by.
just a mist, you are gonna fade away and die.
your life compared to eternity, your life is just a tick on the clock, just a breath breathed, a mist blown.
you can't get them back.
you can't earn some more.
you can't ask time to slow down.
if it's gone, it's gone.
if it's wasted, it's wasted.
you know that...right?


(Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. - James 4:14)

Hopes and dreams.
Shunned before my eyes.
Put out by cold fingers.
Lost in time.
White walls, repeated calls, weeping white walls stared straight back at me.
And loneliness was all I see.
How one took in biscuits and cups of tea for acquaintances.
And tears told bedtime stories to lonely ones.
And if time permits, their families would come and take a look.
Only to meet another tear.

But, maybe hopes and dreams still survived, and tears are not the end of bedtime stories.
To cause urgency and to cause me to love.
And if time permits, maybe one can be set free.
Behind those dull walls lay lives to be changed and eyes to be opened.
Only if time permits.  
Maybe this place isn’t so hopeless after all.

“I have a question.”
“Why is it that the more connected we are, the less connection we have for each other?”
“I...don’t really know.”
“Maybe....because they value phones and social media more than people?”
“I don’t know”
“Or....maybe they place their identity on them too.”
“I Guess.”
“I don’t really know.”
“What If.....the people in this world don’t actually know the ‘friends’ they are sitting beside in during recess or while hanging out.”
“Maybe....i mean, isn’t hanging out supposed to be about spending time with each other, directly, and not i guess, with their phones, or through their phones...is it?”
“I fear about the future.”
“Why is that?”
“Well, what if my children, or other people’s children...”
“Basically the next generation,”
“Ye, the next generation wont actually know what actual friends are, like being trapped in mechanical boxes with those weird things on...what is it called? Oh right, VR headsets. And then they live in those boxes.”
“I don’t know....”
“I just want people to talk to each other, WITHOUT their heads down on the phone and eyes glued to the screen....like the kampong days...”
“Maybe...”

Maybe......