I'm breathing slightly heavily
I sat anticipating....the feeling
I freeze when you look at me
Bc you're seeing me

Your gaze wanders, but it comes back
I tense up when it's back

You do see me

I swallow and hope I don't choke when you're looking into my eyes and I'm aware I'm being seen

I can't hide my nervous tics or the nauseating feeling from remembered trauma and hyper attentiveness

You don't turn me away
And I suppose that's your job

But it is more than that and I can sense it and when I do I tense again

My head is heavy and my heart is steady as I contain my laughs and smiles just a moment longer

So there isn't the acknowledgement that you're what's on my mind


I'm the queen of subtlety; of unspecified glances and daydreams and gentle flirtation

I figured myself out to a degree and I'm starting from scratch

I don't know where this feeling should go- it's too soon for my heart but my head is tired of tossing the idea around

If I think too hard I start to imagine me, still lacking confidence but at least owning myself enough to tell you I want to try this with you


I'm enamored, empassioned, and frightful

When I feel this I run and I dont look back.

And yet I stay

With the hope and dreams for a future

In it things are just....different and I can take myself to that vulnerable place and it's received and cherished and respected.

God, I want to kiss you and I know that's so boring and unoriginal and simplistic but when I think about kissing you? My brain goes warm and fuzzy and I'm reminded I do and can feel joy and lust and care and passion.

My heart is full and I can't bleed it dry again, she just can't take it

But what I can take is one more look at that beautiful face of yours and wonder to myself how things could be if I had the courage to just ask you

I want to feel it. I want to feel you opening up to me and getting closer and feeling like maybe there's a part of you that wants.... something

I feel something; it's something that's happened between now and months ago and its changing and it scares me but you're making me feel something and its worth addressing

I didn't give you consent
To change the meaning

I don't regret the ring
I don't regret the promise
It showed me my truth.

Take me back
To the night we met
The laziest night
I clutched my phone in my hand, staring at the address..hoping this is it
Praying for safety
I softened when I saw you, in washed out blue jeans and that scraggly hair you hadn't cut
In my mind I fast forward to your powder blue sheets

The 2 foot distance between us and the tension growing as I felt a new type of panic
Of actual, genuine, physical attraction that was reciprocated

I tried to ignore everytime you smiled at me and looked at my lips, I had to maintain my hardness

And then you uttered 'im sorry, I talk so much when I'm really nervous"

And I asked you why?

And I knew why

And then the music ceased.

you turned it on, and turned to me

You mumbled on about feeling flustered and feeling fearful of the moment where you'd lean in to kiss me

And we leaned in closer and then I just remember it so clearly.

The smiling between kisses, the way you said my giggles were sweet as you planted more kisses along my neck as I couldn't contain the pleasure that I felt from each soft kiss

Our bodies wrapped together, I was limitless and unashamed as I delicately undressed and your hands ran across my body and your lips did and I exhaled sharply as I began to notice the sensations of lips on lips and lips on skin and neck and back and chest

We did separate a few times, but you caressed my arms and rubbed my thighs and pulled me in to kiss me again ..

From hour one to hour two until 1 in the morning, we shared intimacies and laughs and sweetness and inexperience

I was free when I was most exposed and you cherished each part of me that I shared with you

You .... waited

I understand so clearly now that there was never an ulterior motive

There was never anything insidious or lustful or harmful

That this was enough for you
I was enough for you
And that I was perfect to you
"This is ok, this is perfect. I want to just do this with you"
It wasn't 'just this'

It was everything.

When i search for myself
It was found
In others
I craved attention
Like it was my antidote
Want me, need me, kiss me,
Want me, **** me, **** me
You never needed me
I found myself in others
In his blue eyes, in his green ones
In his laugh, in his smile
In his touch, in his mind
With him,
I want me, i need me,
I care for me
So that i may be whole for him
So i can find myself within myself
Not in his stunning blue eyes
Not in his art
Not in his hands
Not on his body
But within myself

I can't wait
For the next moment
Where I draw my fingers across someone's skin
Where I kiss their lips, gliding them acres their soft eyes and nose and down to their neck
Until my hands feel every soft curve and muscle with a delicate touch
Until I feel your breath synchronize with mine
Until I can taste your passion with my tongue
When I feel your hands across my skin, awakening my body in ways I can't do alone
I don't know who you'll be
But I can't wait

My body and yours
you didnt crave it
the laughs we shared
you didnt save them
your kindest smile
ive forgotten
your softest touch
foreign to me
the first to kiss my ****** lips
the last that i will taste them
the moment, the place, the heart, my grace
in my brain i will save them

I think that I think
Far too much about things
From the way that you talk
To the way that you speak
I think you are a soul
With a body surrounding
A mind that is full
And a stare that is binding
I think that I think too much
About you
I think you are a guy
The way others are too
I think that I like you
Your nice disposition
And that is enough
No further inquisition
I think that I think too much
Of your eyes
Your face, your laugh
The space between your thighs
You are a person, as am I
You are imperfect, as am I
I think that I wrote this for me, not you
You may not see this
But I'm aware that I do
Need to know that I think too much about things
Like love and hope and delicate things
I think I'm okay, and i think you are too
Let's see this one out
If its one or us two

I turned to you
Rest your head on my shoulder
I listened often
Saw my eyes in your eyes
Felt the tension between us
Maybe its imagined
I want this to be real
But I know its imagined
Theres no room for me
And I know I cant make it
Its a hopeless affair
And my heart just cant take it

Ive seen you from afar
Ive seen your gentle smile
I pushed my tender thoughts aside
Ive just looked straight ahead
I feel this nervous feeling
Its hard to look your way
I cant ignore emotions
Though ive survived this way
There may be somethinh special
It may be in my mind
But what I know
For this is true
Is you dont waste my time

There are two types of people
The heart breakers, and the broken-hearted
I cannot be the heart breaker
It pains  my body, as fear pulses through my veins
knowing i will be broken again
You ripped the muscle from my chest
And left a scar that bleeds each time
you kiss her, touch her, think of her
don't kiss me, don't touch me, and don't think of me
It aches and aches
Why have i let you break me?
There are two types of people
heart breakers, and the heartbroken
how can you destroy me by loving her?
How can you break me and remain unshattered?
Why can i never be the breaker
Ripping the souls form others chests
Turning their advances into worthlessness
turning their love into loathing
turning their hearts to stone
like you did mine.

If I were strong
I would say I'm not okay
But I am weak, so fine I stay
If I were to stare down into your face
I'd smash it in with my graceful words
Swords, knives, that's what your words feel like
I feel this ache in the space between our sour meetings
Do not touch, so I won't touch
See no evil, so I look away from you
I'm weighted down by the emotions that lay heavy within me
I carry them like shacked round my ankles
I carry them in spaces between my teeth and tongue
They fall out when the pressure is too much
It all spills out, soiling the sacred ground
Burying the good news which surrounds me
I have this ache in my chest, where love used to be
It's dull and sad and it pains me
You smile, I cringe
You laugh, I cry
You gain control and I wither in my soul
In this ache, I want you to feel these knives and aches and pains and stops and starts and agony and woe
But no
You simply won't
It's this battle in my head and my chest and legs and if I stretch far enough, breathe deeply enough, and smile widely enough
I will no longer think of you
No God
No bad
Oblivious
In bliss

I have them
and so do you
So why do you look at me so disgustingly?
WHy do you pry into my mind
when you know you won't like what you see?
You dont understand and you make that clear
I am so ANGRY at letting you see
the flaws within me
I am a human being , just like you
I live my life, just like you
I have my problems, just. like. you
don't play this game
my flaws are MINE, not yours
don't touch me, dont look at me
because while your words hurt like knives
my stare pierces your soul even deeper

You love her
She loves you
But who loves me here?
I do.
I am so much happier without you
I am so much wiser since you left.
Have your fun, live your life.
Maybe she'll become your wife?
Whatever happens, I won't know
But I will be happy-
Oops
I AM happy, just loving me.

I wish you had touched me
Your eyes on my body
Your lips on my neck
I wish you had asked me
How I felt, what I thought
About trivial things
About love and life
I wish you had
Looked at me and felt sparks
Felt your heart leap out
Your voice shake
Your eyes fixed on mine
I wish you had liked me
Because I might have loved you
But
When you touched me it wasn't electric
Nothing more, nothing less
We didn't kiss, that would feel wrong
We talked about important things m
Life, family, love
But you didn't care to
You didn't care for me, and I didn't for you
I wish I hadn't looked at you and felt sparks,
Felt my heart leap out
My voice and hands shaking
My eyes fixed on yours
I only wanted you to see me.

Forever will I feel this
I can't be afraid forever
This chain that holds my mind shut
To the life I wished to live
My muscles tight like bands so taut
My head, it aches
My stomach wraught
Outside I smile
I laugh as well
The world is good
I laugh as well
Inside I cry
They'll never see
I hide from them a part of me
It's always there, it slowly lingers
I feel it from my toes to fingers
It's in my chest, it's in my hair
I breathe my anxiety in from the air
I breathe it in, I breathe it out
A- is for the air so cold
N- nagging, always nagging
X- extreme fear, always there
I- intense rushes of tears and woe
E- even my best friends don't know
T- teeth clenched in a forced smile
Y- yelling inside, for a long while
I can't **** this monster inside of me
He's always there, quickly shifting
But, I can make him shrink so small
I hardly notice him at all
Muscles loose, free to dance
Breathe in air, so fresh and crisp
Hate the world? No, not me
Love myself? Absolutely

I bet
She makes you laugh
Until your sides hurt and you can't breathe
I bet
Your head was spinning when you kissed her
And every time after that
I bet
She feels safe in your arms and when her hand is in yours
I bet she makes you smile, even just hearing her name
I bet she's nothing like me
Not like me at all
I couldn't make you laugh,
And the thought of us together made you appalled
It would have never happened you and I
I bet
We would have hated each other
I bet
Our kisses would be forced and cold
I bet
I would have grown to like your hand in mine
I bet we would have never lasted
But, I know I would have loved it anyway

That's it I guess
You're done with me
I'm done with you two
Treat me poorly
Speak to me cruelly
Shut me out
Find some play thing to occupy your time
Have fun with her
That's all you'll have
I guess I was wrong
When I said you had good taste
You obviously don't
Or you would see something good
And beautiful and kind
And right in front of your face.
You would have seen me
You did see me
But you didn't want to
Tell me to calm down?
I'll tell you to grow up
Look at the world in its complexity, and wonder
And gifts and blessings and grow the **** up.

Right knots
Filling up my stomach
Low throbs
From within my chest
Dizzy spells, drifting sideways
Feeling tense, head is pounding
When I think of her with you
This is what my body decides to do

It's been so hard
Erasing you from my brain
Why can't I just get over you?
I have it so badly, don't you see?
No matter how much you try to ignore me
We tried to be friends, but that hardly worked out
And you don't want more
But I want more
I want a good chance
To show my affection and care for you
I can treat you ten time better than she can
Make you laugh better than she can
Talk to you better than she can
Listen better than she can
Kiss better than she can
And maybe, just maybe, if given enough time,
I could love you.
I don't, but I could
I haven't kissed you, but I could
I haven't touched you sweetly, but I could
I haven't shown you all of me, but I could.
I haven't loved you, but I would.

Now, where has my inspiration gone?
I'm afraid it's left for awhile
The objects that gave my words meaning
Are lost to me now

I'm at a loss, a total loss
I've completely lost my drive
My poetry revives me
It's what I love to write

Look through what I have written
Mostly of a current disappointment
So how to move forward, I'm uncertain
I just can't put words to it

I've lost my love for poetry
I've lost the passion and drive
I'm stuck here with no subject
Even this feels contrived

I'm done for now
Maybe I'll return
You just keep ruining things for me
I'll take my break
And then I'll learn
What deep, meaningful words mean to **me

Why did I think you were different?
You're no different than the others
Who gave me half-hearted words
When I give you all of mine.

I simply cannot forgive myself
For believing you were unique
I can tell you can hardly stand me
Why can't you just tell me point blank?

I strain to even speak to you
I used to enjoy my talks with you
It's apparent you want to forget me
When I didn't want to forget you

You know you hurt me badly
You know you broke my heart
So man up and just tell me
Why we should be apart

I gave you words and words of truth
That truly came from within my heart
You gave me, what, two sentences?
Now that'swhat tore me apart

I don't want an explanation
Considering you wouldn't give it
Our lack of communication
Is reality. I should just admit it.

I'm sorry I kept on trying
I'm sorry I wasted your time
I'm just deeply disappointed
My sweetness couldn't save me this time

I gave my whole heart to you
Which was obviously a mistake
Your another one for the books my 'friend'
I just hate to call you a mistake.

I don't know why I thought you were different
Its so cliche, you were never mine.
I won't waste your time any longer
Just spare me the kindness this time.

You never forget your first love
So I'll never forget you.
I still haven't told you this
But, I have a feeling you never knew
how deeply I felt
Those months and months ago
How can I even face you?
In person, I still shake and quake when I get near you
When we talk, and we laugh, my smile fades
I still know you don't see me any other way
I know you think I'm sweet
You tell me that I'm brave
For revealing the feelings I had
Basically to your face
I still recall the few sweet times that we had
I can still smile at that.
I just want to hear your voice again
Stare at your perfect face again
Do you even want to see me again?
I cry if I think about that... again.
You remain a perfect memory in my mind
Your rejection has forever imprinted in my gentle mind
I can't ever forget you
Even if I wanted to
Often I wish I could, but I can't, I just can't
Just don't ever shut me out, please hear me out
I will always care about you, even if you don't see me that way too.

If I fell
Who would you tell?
I fell for you
And you never even knew
Feelings compromised?
I'm quite surprised
That you never even knew
That I fell head over heels for you
I always looked right at you
Made sure to smile wide too
The things I said were well thought out
I was cautious, flaked with doubt
Was I sweet, does he think I'm nice?
I began ignoring my friends advice
Months later I still write about you
And it's because I wish that
You had fallen for me too

I dreamt last night
And you were there
And you were there with me
I caught your gaze, and you caught mine
Our feelings just worked out this time
We sat and talked, and laughed as well
We seemed in sync that day
I wrote for you, you wrote for me
I smiled at you, then you kissed me
Dreams are sweet, although not real
They help me sleep at night
It's in these dreams where I resolve the things I do not solve in daylight
I know this vision won't likely be a scene that is so real
But in my dreams we kiss, and laugh,and touch, and smile, and feel

Lately, I've been in a state
Of utmost lack of inspiration
The words I'd like to write don't flow
The racing heart I had wont go
My romance has run dry
I've built a lock around my heart
For now, the sign says 'do not enter'
For now, my mind says 'stay on track'
For life has much to offer
Often too much focus on those people
Who brought a smile to my face
Or a flutter in my stomach
Or a sweet swell within my chest
Or a head so full of daydreams
So many wishes will go unfulfilled
But that's the way things have to be
I can and will not force my heart
Upon another human being
And so I think, and meditate
On what I felt was right
I question all my sanity
And feel as though I wasn't bright
The past has passed, what's felt was felt
I'm living in this world unharmed
My heart was touched, and now it's not
I guard my heart, my soul is armed.

When I fell, it was for your eyes
Your perfect, gentle smile
I fell for the way you so gently looked up at me
I fell for that **** accent
And even harder for your mind
You captured my heart with your sweet words
And I surrendered, at first unwillingly
You never realized the way my heart beat
Whenever you were near me
I fell so hard for those pauses you make, whenever you're thinking intently
I wished I could ignore your true feelings, and that I was in this one sided
I fell hard even when you told me your heart was with someone else
I truly fell for your sweet , kind soul
It's hard to find those so kind and open
I think in the end what I fell for the most
Was the fact that you were just different
So different than anyone I'd met, giving me feelings I've never felt
I'm just so thankful to you for that
I'm just so thankful I fell for you

You don't feel odd around me?
You don't share feelings for me?
All this time I was simply blind
And your head was in the clouds
You think and daydream of her
And I paid no attention to her
Even when I should have
And maybe I wouldn't feel this
Gut wrenching feeling of idiocy
Thinking you'd ever daydream about me
Months and months later I'm still uncertain
Why my feelings for you still exist
I was okay, but then it changed
I started seeing you in that special way
And then your smile took my heart again
So I see I haven't learned
I have so wished to talk of this
To set the record straight
But what to say and what to do
I have not a single idea
Have you even thought of me, of the sweet words from my heart I gave you?
Or did you extinguish that memory, in hopes to forget about me too?
We never were anything
I doubt we'll be anything
Then why is it something
About you that keeps me thinking , hoping
Let me set this straight
You fell for this mysterious person
I decided to ignore what I thought were advances you showed to her
Ignorance, in this case is not bliss
I should've give with my gut in this
The entire time my heart yearned for you
Yours did too, your did too
For someone else, anyone else
So here I sit, collecting my thoughts
Never me, always her
I'm still so kind, but its just her
Eyes, smile, hair, whatever
And I question why I wanted for us to be together

I feel so stupid
For thinking that you'd ever
Feel something for me

Inconsistent
My feelings are fleeting
I'm at a particular point
Where you still send my heart beating
My eyes not leave your eyes
I envision kissing those lips
For I can't get you out of my mind
I know I love this feeling
And my emotions are quite strong
But you'll never share this wonderful feeling
And that's why I feel that it's wrong

Every now and then there's
A peak of inspiration
The moment may be fleeting
But from this time
Emotions arise, and feelings become clear
And only then am I able to tell you of
My dreams, my love, and my fears

For the first time in months
I saw you again and my heart stopped
I could hardly look at you
But I had to keep looking at you
I couldn't talk to you
But I wanted too
I told myself to let this go
I promised that I'd decide instead to forget
I knew I would find my true feeling
In that fleeting moment
And now that I've laid eyes on you again
I simply can't get you out of my head

I will feel discomfort
It's apparent I'm uneasy
I'm terrified of
Scrutiny
Popularity
Simple conversation
Doesn't take much thought
Mind on a constant cycle
Yo'u can't, you won't, you'll fail
Cycling on an endless track
Soon
My fears will be made apparent
And I will have no choice
But to go back to this place
Which fills my soul with
Turmoil
Dread
A slow growing anxiety
180 days
Then it's done
For me school is far from fun
Cycle of anxiety
Shall I cope?
I soon shall see

Such a shame
A one sided relationship
Shall I add up each effort
All my care
Each phone call
Both shoulders to cry on
With nothing in return
I try so very hard
A best friend to me, you mean the most to me
Why do I not mean as much?
Why must I try so hard?
Closeness is not one sided
I'm beginning to see
What I've tried to ignore
Please, be with me
But if not, just tell me
I can't take this
I care for you so much
If I'm inconvenient
Just tell me
If I'm trying too hard
Just tell me
If I should give up on this
Please tell me

We'll never be
There'd be nary a chance for you and me
I've come to a clear realization
Epiphany
You'd never want to be with me
You want the looks, the face, her eyes
I've got brains, and I'm just so 'nice'
Those were the things you said about me
Not that I'm beautiful or even pretty
'bright and nice'
Well, what does that mean?
Simply that you'll never fall for me
And I won't be in your daydreams
And despite my strong, strong feeling
It's going to total waste
No longer, when recalling you,
Is there a wide smile on my face
I'd love to think your heart would change
And feelings for me could flourish
But in this world, I'm so aware
Your heart remains with her, and I'm just foolish.

Not the easiest task at hand
To gaze into your eyes
Each time I look upon them
It's as if the world had stopped
Pure, clear, green perfection
Big, expressive, infallible
My breath is always taken away
When I come across your gaze
They sparkle just right when you smile
They deepen so much if there's sadness within you
If speaking of the one I cannot be
When speaking of her charm and perfection
And you look into me, directly to me
I wish yo'u were looking right through me

As I lay upon the earth
My lids flutter shut
In an instant I'm transported
Into the recesses of my subconscious
The wheels turn swiftly
Images come alive
Within my mind
Lay my thoughts and desires
In the land where I dream,
It at seems too real
The plans I hope for, the dreams I pray for
The feelings I yearn for
The boy I long for
Too many things, so many things
One track mind, not a chance
While my lids lay shut, my head and heart open
I don't have to see to believe

Never will I lose myself
To another feeble mind
Never will I **** a mam
I'd not be so unkind
Never will I never love
It's the best thing of all
Never shall I stop &
Think about nothing for awhile
Never, ever will I give
My heart to some ol' fool
Never will I lie to yo'u
To make myself look cool
Never shall I ever think
I dont have enough grace
And never will I regret seeing
Your smile or your face

Constantly doubting
In a state of questioning
What is it that draws me in?
Can I break free
From loves cruel grip
I feel so weak in this
A matter not under my control
But who's is it?

Im not sure I could say this
But you're my first love
New feelings, different feelings
Heart is beating, heart beating
Smile across my lips, you do this
Sparkle in my eye
So gently biting my lip
At the thought of you
It almost isnt fair
How can I be allowed to feel so much
When you see me not in the same light
What won't leave my mind
Is that indescribable feeling
That's how I knew you were different
I won't feel an emotion like this, I don't think
That's why it's the first love
New, intense, potent
Unrequited , quite unfortunate
My daydreams were and are of you
You, the boy with the sparkle in his eye
Head full of knowledge
And heart racing fast
Mind going wild, at thoughts of, sadly, another
In my heart remains a place for you
For this feeling I won't forget
The first intense, emotional love
Kept in the recesses of my not quite broken heart
My mind recalls the sweet, and that is what I know you as

I know you look at everyone that way
But I felt like your gaze was for me
That gorgeous smile, quite infectious
Was not for only me
Those poetic thoughts, inquisitive notions
Poetry written, my head was in slow motion
Time felt slower with you around
As I felt my cheeks flush and my lovely heart pound
You gave me honesty, when you spoke of the
Intense feelings of love you hadn't for me
But for a girl, quite undeserving
She lacks that
Iridescence you harness
Your romantic spirit, view of life
Still even a remnant of our 'significant' moments
Brings my heart aflutter
And my soul to a pause
Never before has one look stopped my tracks
But your does that, and so much more
You fail to recognize, that love struck look within my eyes
My shaking hands, my voice trembling
These feelings I haven't a problem remembering
As smart as you appear to be
You're just daft when it comes to your simplistic feelings towards me