I'm breathing slightly heavily
I sat anticipating....the feeling
I freeze when you look at me
Bc you're seeing me
Your gaze wanders, but it comes back
I tense up when it's back
You do see me
I swallow and hope I don't choke when you're looking into my eyes and I'm aware I'm being seen
I can't hide my nervous tics or the nauseating feeling from remembered trauma and hyper attentiveness
You don't turn me away
And I suppose that's your job
But it is more than that and I can sense it and when I do I tense again
My head is heavy and my heart is steady as I contain my laughs and smiles just a moment longer
So there isn't the acknowledgement that you're what's on my mind
I'm the queen of subtlety; of unspecified glances and daydreams and gentle flirtation
I figured myself out to a degree and I'm starting from scratch
I don't know where this feeling should go- it's too soon for my heart but my head is tired of tossing the idea around
If I think too hard I start to imagine me, still lacking confidence but at least owning myself enough to tell you I want to try this with you
I'm enamored, empassioned, and frightful
When I feel this I run and I dont look back.
And yet I stay
With the hope and dreams for a future
In it things are just....different and I can take myself to that vulnerable place and it's received and cherished and respected.
God, I want to kiss you and I know that's so boring and unoriginal and simplistic but when I think about kissing you? My brain goes warm and fuzzy and I'm reminded I do and can feel joy and lust and care and passion.
My heart is full and I can't bleed it dry again, she just can't take it
But what I can take is one more look at that beautiful face of yours and wonder to myself how things could be if I had the courage to just ask you
I want to feel it. I want to feel you opening up to me and getting closer and feeling like maybe there's a part of you that wants.... something
I feel something; it's something that's happened between now and months ago and its changing and it scares me but you're making me feel something and its worth addressing
A more recent crush I'm nursing
I read a headline-
"*** deprived daughters who move back home"
How can I be deprived of something
That was forcefed to me?
Musing on *** and coercion and pressure and where desire comes from
I didn't give you consent
To change the meaning
This was my brief thought on people shifting language so that they can engage in abusive and harmful behavior, esp when it comes to consent and boundaries
I don't like
I cant stand
I hate being
That can be penetrated
Some disgusting thing
April is ****** Assault and Violence Awareness Month
I don't regret the ring
I don't regret the promise
It showed me my truth.
I gave my ex an engraved promise ring and he dumped me a month later.