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I sit and watch her bottom lip tremble,
And know that it's my fault.

The pieces that she can't assemble,
Are locked within the vault.

I sit and watch her eyes cloud over,
And have to look away,

She stills calls me her sunshine,
But I blind her with the rain.
She still calls me her sunshine,
Dispite the weathers change.
cover up
all the bruises, all the tears
cover up
all the secrets and fears
cover up
to stop tears from raining down
cover up
that sad little frown
cover up
with fake tales
cover up
when all else fails
cover up
hide the scars
cover up
because no one cares
there's no use in pretending
i just can't do it anymore
i can't hide what i'm feeling
i'm ending this war

there's no way to save me
i'm falling fast
everything that i thought i could be
well it just didn't last

no motivation and no light
nothing but heartache
it all ends tonight
there's nothing left to fake

there are so many people i'll let go
so many goodbyes
i've moved on, and they will too
there are no more tears to cry

to all my family
especially my dad
i'm so very sorry
i know you must be mad

there was nothing that you could do
it was all on me
i'm sorry for hurting you
in time you'll see

i tried everything i could
to stop the pain in me
it was too dark from where i stood
and i found i couldn't see

not everybody makes it through
this crazy thing called life
i wasn't as strong as any of you
there was just so much strife

i got a little lost inside myself
and started to enjoy the pain
i stopped wanting help
i've literally lost the game

if i had some advice to give
it would be this
learn to live
and learn to miss

because every dark and gloomy day
is so much worse alone
you lose the words to say
don't leave me on my own

when you shut everybody out
the darkness eats away at you
taking away all you once felt
leaving only blue

soon all that's left
is a shadow of who you once were
all you can do is hope you'll be missed
of this i'm sure

in the end
every day was the same
and i lost the will to mend
there was no end to pain

i've struggled so much
over the years
not one thing as such
causing never ending tears

i was addicted to cutting
watching my blood run
using a little sharp thing
to stop all the numb

i started to eat a lot less too
trying to lose a little weight
it wasn't obvious to you
all of my self-hate

i wanted so badly to run away
and start my life again
so i had to pray
that this wasn't a sin

i disappointed a lot of people
i led them astray
now i'm going to hell
i just can't stay

there's so much more
that i should write down
about how none of you saw
my lifeless body drown

i was a little mad
that you couldn't see
that all the happiness you had
couldn't be found in me

none of what's happened is your fault
you're not the ones to blame
if this story's to be told
i manifested my own pain.
this is an actual suicide not that i wrote. there was more to it, stanzas dedicated to specific people and all that. i had no idea it was a suicide not until i finished. it was the moment when i realized that i was a lot more depressed than i thought.
It's getting harder to write.

Tears run down my face
As I stare at the blank paper
And realize that it's you.

It's getting harder to write.

This window of emptiness,
This episode of hollowness,
Is the result of you.

It's getting harder to write.

You triggered everything,
That has ever been wrong with me.
But I'm a great liar: "I'm fine."

**I lost my ability to write.
After months of being okay,
I relapsed
Because of you.
 Jul 2014 Monica's poetry
Life
Rest
 Jul 2014 Monica's poetry
Life
Tonight,
I will fall asleep,
to the sound of rain.
I miss you
Every second, of every hour, of every single ******* day,
And nothing i seem to do,
Takes that pain away.
 Jul 2014 Monica's poetry
Reece
Siddhartha sat steady on a the hearth of an apartment, eyes closed
mouth closed, mind open and enchanted
Zen-man lingers in a dark park starting,
to realise indiscretions of his past lives avatar

(but don't for a second believe the lies you've been fed by the brother of your brother and the father's of the jingoist mafia because eyes blink often and the accumulative effect is a life of temporary blindness and in that blindness it's not possible to be enlightened)

Your mantras are a lie but the belief remains still
and so rolling over wild green hills in some Welsh country village it dawns on the spirits of the ether that humanity is struggling

to find absolution of even the most relative peace
- but so, and Siddhartha still sits, cross-legged and barely breathing
Emaciated; fast, faster
Losing her nerve

Zen-man died a few months back but you always live again and so a beetle on a hot car hood scampers in some intrinsic folly, semi-aware of being something or being at all

     Towards the walls of weather-beaten towns the levee finally bursts and all life ends -
until a gathering mist pulls absurd faces in the simpatico rays of a third-eye sun over the bayou of some forgotten rock in the cosmos
and the ethereal temptress of existence rolls the next dice on a green matted board
and our unified oneness speaks a solitudinal greeting to the sky.
It used to be Grandma's yard now it's heaven


*SANCTUARY TO ME IS A PLACE OF PEACE WHERE I CAN BE FREE
 Jul 2014 Monica's poetry
Haruka
Yesterday, I went out to a party
for the first time since we broke up.
And I saw you,
with your tongue down someone else's throat.
I spent the night drowning myself in cheap beer
and falling into beds of strangers that smelt
of regret and forgotten memories
of the people we once loved.

I drove home at dawn,
the road lines swerving and dipping,
and I never saw that truck coming.
The pain was blinding
and as my chest hit the steering wheel,
my lungs collapsing and heart bursting,
I thought of the first time you kissed me.

Tender and sweet,
it felt like my heart was exploding.
Ironic, isn't it?
How death,
and falling in love
feel the same?

"It's better to burn out than to fade away."

*This is my way of burning out.
I had a dream like this last night so I wrote about it.
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