And I am holding hands with my depression while it screams into a microphone It's used to being center stage The center of attention Poking, proding I'll kiss my love on the lips and it'll tug at my shirt whispering "I'm still here"
It'll grab at me on car rides Pinch my walking down the street Make my nose bleed in bookstores Break my fingers in urban outfitters "I'm still here" "I'm still here!" "I'M STILL HERE!!" Slowly getting louder as I try to push it down
Sometimes I muffle it Quiet it But I can never completely silence it My hand slips And a battle cry is released into the night the duct tape wasn't tight enough Or maybe my grip
I guess I stopped kicking it eventually Stopped fighting it Stop tying it It was The thing I kept in my basement but instead of me trying to make it stay and it trying to escape it fought me to be cemented in my mind taking all my resources starving me emotionally
Maybe sometimes physically
I accepted that it was a part of me
I let sing to me Occasionally After all We're both in the basement And we're
It would sing things Hopeless, Frantic, Scary things
They don't like you There isn't a point in breathing it's mundane, it's uninteresting
You have hurt so many people and been hurt by so many people you're beginning to forget where the line is And which side you're on
If she knew you now She'd be disappointed But she's dead She died before you tried to let her learn who you grew into
They'll all die
We are all just putting off the inevitable Isolate yourself
You know you're happier alone You know he doesnt really love you So stop answering the phone
One night My depression took out a knife And slit her thighs I was asleep but she bled on me all night And in my dreams
I knew the warmth was from tragedy
Though I never bled with her I let her keep me red
Keep me angry
"You'll never have a dad!" she yells.
"You'll never go away" I frown at the shriveled little body of memories and chemical imbalances and tubes and guts and hearts and other dismembered parts And I think
I've known you for so long But i've never really looked at you
I am surprised How different How separate We are
You grab me Poke me Yell at me Hold me Hurt me
This poem could've gone so many different ways, but this is how it ended up.
Suger kisses Silly crushes Candy hearts ask "Will you be mine?" Wandering eyes A glance at her thighs Thorns on the roses in the bouquet you bought yesterday Two things that can pierce And in between Two things that bleed Heart shaped cardboard boxes Filled with chocolate And caramel Walking through target Commercialised, consumerisim And everyone likes talking about how This holiday is what it is for more sales Than romance And its true Sugar hearts do not equal ancient love But we love to spend Money and time On someone we love Or someone we are saying sorry to Maybe its the same one Humans are so cute Making cards Red and pink And surprising with favorited Chocolate things But today is take out The girl your 'one true' doesn't know about Or maybe they do But choose not to mention it Because maybe they Really
Lacy black things Long receipts Long nights Not at the office Where you claim to be Let me ask you Were the flowers for her
As large, and as beautiful,
As the flowers for me?
Things I hear about in wine tainted conversations between the wives
I'm not saying you made all the bad stuff go away! I'm just saying! You made me not care if it was there...
There was so much wrong in my head
I'd stare at the ceiling, lying in bed
Trying to figure out why my brain leaks out of my ears if I hear a certain song or why when the sun hits me just right I get triggered for too long or why in all my relationships I couldn't move on or how the ******* priest thinks he can preach to me saying daddy never left and that's why you love buying Christmas trees
A word that fits weird in my mouth a word with a different meaning behind it than everyone else
they say blood is thicker than water but they both run in the river after you jump...
hold the edge of the bridge
hold my hand
feel my ribs
jumping was never in my plans but death felt like the option at the end of the tunnel for me
don't get ******
let the love wash over you let the fear and drama drive you
let it make you want it so much more
I knock on your door twice
I used to dream that it was his but then I realized he, wasn't it.
God, fought so hard, never did anything but kick up sand now I'm trying to fit the love of my life Into my 20 year plan
it changed so fast sometimes I feel my love lag he's moving onto the next episode and I'm not passed the intro..
That's all this is, is buffering. And if you wait long enough.
trust me I know,
and I never trusted anyone but me.
The light at the end of the tunnel is not in fact a glowing exit sign
I was her, the girl in those poems you wrote the girl you lied to the girl you wanted, but never enough the girl you argued with when you were lonely, or bored the girl you made up with just so you could do it again
I trailed you obsessed over you some of those poems were true but I know they aren't about me anymore
you said one day I would laugh at them. I didn't believe you until now
The Bird is never still Flying from one topic to the other Her chatter loud and uncensored Her friends twittering at her to be quieter The Bird has many friends But Birds always sleep alone And cold With their hollow bones
The Fox is the Bird's friend The Fox is tricky Weaving in and out of conversations Gorgeous And sleek The Fox makes rabbits fall in love with her so she'll have plenty to eat The Bird and the Fox are unconventional friends Friends no one would think would click But the Bird will chatter and chatter and the Fox will quietly sit Listening to everything Retaining information
The Chameleon is the Fox's and the Bird's mutual friend When with the Fox they match their red When with the Bird they match their blue And so on So no one really knows the Chameleon's true colors Whoever you are They'll match you Blending in A social camaflouge That they think keeps them safe
And when together they are quite A sight Wandering loudly Through the night They are a strange group And when together they're tight Exchanging advice Or judging each other
But never outright
You'll never catch the bird But be careful if you do If not gentle with your touch Her bones will ***** right in front of you
The Fox puts on a face Bearing teeth and changing mates But under all that glossy fur She's scared that you won't want her
If you catch the Chameleon off guard You might be surprised What you see is never what you get But if you look real hard The chameleon will freeze and fall down to their knees please, please, just like me
When I layed With her body against and on my body Her head just under my chin on my chest listening to my heartbeat Her light brown hair with hints of red when it hits the sunlight just right against my skin Steady breath compared to my uneven, nervous, Her hand across my stomach Rising and falling My fingers tracing circles on her back Like I sometimes do with him Our strong legs tangled Worried if I move she will shift Like a cat that has fallen asleep on your lap And is So warm.
When I see you I feel so warm Heart leaps Come talk to me I see you Working at the library Or every night at dance class And you like that I flirt with you And you like that I like girls sometimes And I like that you like girls all the time
But you are slightly out of reach Me, tied to another You, tied to nothing imparticular Him, I love him, but....
Tonight I push these thoughts out of my head
Tonight we are one body
More intimate than ***
And it didn't last that long.
We were in a room full of other people watching a horror movie and pretending to be scared so we could touch each other innocently...
Hold me Don't let go Kiss me slow I want all of you I've tasted every inch of you I know your brain Inside and out Your thoughts your fears The people you love and the ones you dislike You never talk bad about anyone And you're so ******* funny And you let me hold your hand and ramble about ****** **** And you let me be weird and be sad And vent about what I'm going through What i've been through You let me talk endlessly about people who have hurt me and I return the favor You make me ramen on the cold nights You love to touch me My shoulder Or my cheek Grab my *** Make me laugh
You tell me everyday,
You care about me.
Being happy makes some ****** poetry but I don't care
"I don't have a good answer for you, really" You kiss me "I don't get involved" I run my fingers through your hair "People are too messy" I fell for your everywhere "I think friends is best" You kiss my neck "I don't get too close" I take off your shirt "Lets take this slow" Hold my face don't let go
We are both messy We both have messy pasts, presents, and futures We both fell too fast We both still aren't over our exes We both needed casual We both craved intimacy
On the couch Me wrapped up in you Like some present in the back of a Christmas movie Heartbeat Against my skin This Must be what it is
On the way home My head in your lap Wrapped in the soft blanket you brought so I wouldn't get cold Staring at the cieling of your father's truck Your face staring at me in my peripheral vision Could be the 6th night in a row That we have been together And we both know it won't last forever But your smile sends a shiver down my spine And I never knew what it looked like I'd never seen it Maybe I could imagine it But I never tried With you It came so easy And I know everyone says that The same way everyone says it gets better...
We're both jocks We come home from practice achy and tired and raw We both shower and I go to your house smelling like lavender body wash You spray versace on your chest and your hair is still wet when I get there I laugh at the bruises on your neck From me last time I say hello to your mother and your dogs and complain about how hard I worked and we compare exercises And how bad they hurt Then I sit on the couch Next to you Your mother is watching some show but she's going to bed soon Your house is warmly lit And laughter keeps our faces wide My family wonders why I love to be here all the time Your mother offers me food Like she always does And I politely decline having just eaten dinner You put your arm around my shoulder while you ice your knees and we talk about how we **** our bodies up for our passions But we wouldn't change it for anything We talk about how we don't want school to start How we can't believe summer is over
I leave Usually Too late Or too soon To me and you Wrapped in one of your hoodies and smelling like your cologne
It doesn't matter how many people you talk to at the end of the day when everyone is asleep you feel it, you feel alone. No one understands your ****** up brain no one understands why you hide behind all those coping mechanisms. You are the only one. You can never learn love, because you never saw what it looked like. *these, I believe, are the lies you tell yourself before you go to sleep. I know, because I knew. I do it sometimes too.*
I mouthed the words while we were lying on your bed Your fingers tracing my arm Our faces so close Our legs so tangled Your eyes were closed You tell me I am the only person you feel comfortable talking about 'feelings' with
My arm on your neck I mouthed the words I don't yet know if I could ever say to your face I don't know if I will ever understand them enough to "It's different with you" "It's never been like this before" We work so well You make me so happy "I'm usually a depressed ******* in the summer, but this summer is so different. Not all because of you 'cause that wouldn't be healthy. But you changed something in me."
And I know you're not perfect And you know I'm not perfect But together
We both have twin holes in our walls From when we were feeling a little too broken and we wanted something else to crumble and get ripped open from all of the wrong
We get angry Our mothers agree Its not healthy But you're just like me And I haven't met many people with that similarity And you miss me When I'm gone And you like to write songs But I don't know how to sing Poetry is just another outlet But maybe it's not a good thing And your body on mine It was far more then fine And I made you ask before every touch You love my hair I fell for your everywhere But neither of us are any good at love
So I said no To the dates and the roses And everything that comes with teenage commitment I don't want any of it But I don't want you kissing
Anyone other than me
I know I know
I'm so selfish Yeah its true Plenty of people that know me Could Tell You