At my core
I am just a small, crocheted girl
Laying in the bottom of my childhood treasure chest
In the same pink dress
With only half of my blonde hair
Sewn on to my head
A blank cotton face
Only blue eyes stitched in
And Momma always said:
“I’ll get to it”

I’m sorry
she said

I hope that she meant it.

Everything  I want to say
Settles with our touching skin
I missed you
I want you
Holding and having
Finally
Again

I do not pursue you
But you linger still
I do not hold onto you
But sometimes we still wake up in each other’s arms
An accident that was not assessed properly
Honestly
I don’t know how this will affect us
Together, or apart
I just know I have felt alone
And unloved for a while
And I know you’ve felt the same
So with warmth I welcome you
I don’t say her name
I don’t mention the others
And you do the same
We are quiet in our shame
But seeing you brings me relief
Talking to you is still so calming to me
If we get loud enough and the room gets dark enough and the smoke gets thick enough
Maybe for a moment
We will not be worrying about who is who’s and how we feel
We will just be.

And some days
I don’t even want to eat
Evolutionary phenomena
Distorting my own body
Obsession with being empty
And some times
I wanna plug my nose
And have the inside of head
Cloud with deep breaths
Scratch behind my eyelids
Please
My mind is destroying me
I am desperate
I am on a life boat
In the middle of the sea
There’s isn’t that much life left in me
No one is coming to rescue me
I am alone
The same way
I have always been
Neglect hides In my teeth
My parents didn’t take care of me
My dad never said I love you  
Old cavities

I hate starting over
Because all I can do is bask in the failure

Somewhere amidst the mess
We kept ourselves afloat
We played house
We moved in
We fought
We joked
And I look back at it
The same way
You watch destruction
And flames
I see it now with an unhealthy
Fascination
And an upsetting amount of fear
You were all I had
And you were never even here

Maybe I’d be ok
If I was farther away
Or you dropped off the face of the earth
If you sunk into the ocean floor
Instead of showing up to work
If I were engraving your curls on ancient stones
Instead of asking you for my old shirts
Perhaps if I was older
Or less In love
I would have been ok
I wouldn’t have given up
My heart is a chasm
My sadness a gorge
Down down down
I miss the hurting
And to be honest
If you wanted me back
I’d probably throw myself off that cliff
I know it wouldn’t be safe to
But safety here?
Barely exists.

If you say I will get through this
I will spit in your eye

No one survives life

I am in fact
A solar system with no planets
No plans to survive
Within something else
Someone else
Outside of my own existence
I will not create history
Or remnants
There will be no collateral damage
There will be no effect
My head
Is it’s own
My arms are only my arms
The stars are only my own
There is no one else
There is nothing else
All I will ever have is myself
Persons try
To orbit me
But eventually
They leave
They die
Or move on
Or get ****** into someone else
Something else
It’s alright
I keep myself safe
The closer the meteor is
The closer the end is
So I kept myself
Alone
Despite your best efforts
I recognize everyone as temporary
Everything is so far away

I am exhausted from trying to keep myself alive
Anyone making it harder is
In the way
I will not hold onto you
If you are not willing to stay
That’s why most people
End up far away
It’s not worth it to me
I hold no gravity

...And I’ve told you
Time and time again
In a glance or a breath on your neck
In a contact of skin and an accidental smile
it creeps up your cheeks
You’re still looking at me
And I now
Know for certain
We laugh about them and how they laugh about us
I say that it’s crazy
And silly
And yet
Surface tension never breaks
Eye contact feels illegal
Is it love
Is that it
Is it spiritual
A souls connection formed by intimacy
Intimately our vulnerability left us
Out of the group
Standing
Pretending nothing was happening
I cannot say what we’re saying
out loud....

I wish that I could love myself
The way I love you
Maybe then
I would stop getting disappointed

You have to laugh
Otherwise it isn’t funny
Teenage sobriety
Turns into a joke.

My brain feels like something
I am constantly trying to get away from
Unresolved trauma lays
And grey matter doesn’t stay
I’m in pain
A lot of the time
And I can’t stand being alone
Because of this
Distractions keep me occupied
But they don’t allow my issues to get fixed
I tried to go back to therapy
But my doctor hung up on me
And I am alone in the shallow end of the pool
Again
“Just stand up”
Is what I think
Is what I cry
All night
“Just stand up”
Is what everyone tells me
But what they don’t see
Is this pool is full of tar
And while it is shallow
It is drowning me still
It is holding me still
“Just stand up”
Do I create my own problems?
Do I hurt myself?
Am I the only reason that I still feel like this?
“Just stand up”
Molasses
“Just stand up”
A crisis
”Just stand up”
My limbs are numb
“Just stand up”
I stand
And my older brother stares at my naked body like he’s hungry
And I am 7 years old again
I stand
And I can see my father slap my mother across the face
I am 6 years old again
I stand
And I see the boy that manipulated me out of my body like a murderer who says “I love you” before shooting you
If you love me why are you doing this
Why are you violating me
I’m 16 years old again
And no one ever told me that my body was mine
That I could say no to the men who want to hurt me
That not everyone wants to love me the way I want to be
Loved
I stand
I spin
And I’m back down again.

I want you to prove me right
secretly
I want you to confirm all the horrible things I think about
I want you to leave me
deem me unlovable

And you didn’t hold the kittens
They held you
In the upstairs of your barn
Behind one of the hay bails

Where summer was endless
lake days
holding hands
Climbing trees
And exploring

All of it made us feel like we never needed anything else
But we didn’t know anything else
Where even in the winter
The wood stove was there to help us keep our sunshine
Warm
And
Excited
Who could run the fastest
Who had the most secrets
We were
Terrified
Of the neighbors dog
And how he tore at our heels
If we weren’t fast enough
We were terrified of our older brothers
And how much our bodies didn’t belong to us

Both our fathers were too loud
And our mothers too meek
We
Were each other’s only escape....


There were red ones
That grew just out of the deer’s reach
Behind the best climbing tree
Littered with pots and pans as high as the eye could see
But the special ones
The yellow ones
Required some adventuring
We braved the feared boundaries by your neighbors where that Rottweiler could reach us
Just for something a little sweeter than what we had
But it was never as scary as going home
We would rather risk the snarling demon
Than go home and hear the screaming
Than go home and go to sleep
Only to wake up
And try to convince ourselves What happened in the night

Was a dream.

....half on, the other half off
I swallowed your lies
We laid next to each other  
Arms around me
Holding me tighter than you ever had before
Back when we were secure
Back when we were together
Now that your hands are forbidden I want them so much more
And I know it’s bad for us
We can not make love where there is no love
And yet
You make me forget
All the repercussions
If only for a few minutes
So this is ***
And now I’m ripping off your shirt
And you’re crying into my shoulder
And I know that it won’t heal us
And I know that we both want it to
But it won’t
And we do it any way
We are not making love
We are having ***
I didn’t know there was a difference
But you cannot make love
Where there is no love.

Medication gave me many things
A brain I could keep up with
A heart that wasn’t always racing
Rest
The ability to get out of bed

It didn’t fix all of me
It took many messy years to get to where I am
But it definitely helps

The only thing it took away
Was writing
A still brain
A calm brain
Is a quiet one indeed
And I like this
I like that I can sleep
But so many nights I stayed up
Writing works that flowed and captured
My pain so perfectly
But is there none left to feel

And without it
Am I me?

You feel a lifetime away
And now so does he
I wonder if this one is next
I’m trying to keep him close
But I’ve done close before
And I know how it ends

I am not confident
I am just naive

I laid on the kitchen floor
My heart begging to burst
i just want your honey skin
And your curls
Your laugh is music
Your smile the opening number
I kiss your cheek
Then bite your shoulder
i just want to devour you

you are so sweet

Every day
I have to remind myself of the bitter parts
To keep from drowning
In everything that I miss

Maybe one day I will throw away all the photos
Maybe one day I will wash all the clothes you gave back to me so they don’t smell like you any more
Maybe one day I’ll stop treating you like you’re dead
And I’m
Grieving
Our relationship is the only thing that’s deceased
Realistically
But god it really did feel like
You killed me

Maybe
At the beginning of the end
Of a slew
Of bad dreams
And night terrors
I will discover
The darkest caverns
Where you learned you could hold her hands to silence her
Where did you learn you could hold her hands to silence her
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO HOLD HER HANDS TO SILENCE HER
In the middle of a conversation, she was animated, she was young, and she would talk as much with her hands as her mouth
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO HOLD HER HANDS TO SILENCE HER
WHERE
DID YOU LEARN
WHERE
DID YOU SEE
DID YOU WATCH IT OVER AND OVER
ON A SCREEN OF *******
AND THEN TRY IT OUT FOR YOURSELF

IF YOU HOLD HER HANDS SHE WILL GO QUIET  
AND
WHITE LIKE A SHEET
Was it behind closed doors
Was it upstairs in the crevice of a horror story


IF YOU HOLD HER HANDS YOU WILL SILENCE HER
BUT
WHERE DID YOU LEARN
That
WHERE DID YOU SEE
That
how could you know?
You showed us all
Like you had practiced
In the middle of a conversation
You would grab her wrists
And she would look back
Mouth sewed shut with a rusty needle
Covered in blood
  
That’s why I believed her
I mean god, how could anyone not believe her
When she said
You’d stolen her voice
I saw it
I watched it
Different context
But the action
Haunts me
The truth is
When my sister and her boyfriend broke up,
I was waiting for her to tell me.

Your hands
Feel nothing like his hands
And it scares me
Your eyes
Look nothing like his eyes
But somehow that excites me
Everything about you is
Unfamiliar and new
You are dark where he was light
Your skin is caramel
And your hair comprised of tiny tight curls
That I just want to tug on softly all day
Unravel you
You have no strong opinions
About anything
Relaxed, laid back,
You make me laugh so hard it makes me a bad driver
And you hold the dashboard dramatically
You didn’t say anything as I drove miles under the speed limit on our way back to your house
Only us on the road anyways
And I wanted it to just be us for
A little longer
A former lover no longer lingers in our conversations
They are only ours
And you are different
And yet we are so good together
And yet

And yet

Any moment
A glance
Or a cologne
Or a break in our shared laughter
And the ghosts
Of our past loves
Settle between our knees
Not touching but so close
Keeping me away from you
And you away from me.

All that stupid poetry
Makes sense to me
Tell me everything
Lose your shirt
Like your dignity
Get an answer out of me
**** me with poetry
Inside
Like that pain
Behind your eyes
Tell me why
I don't
Or did
Or do
Mean anything to you
***** me
Over
**** me
Over

Push me
Closer
Tell me why you couldn't love me

But you could **** me

Over,

And over
Again.

Criticize
Fantasize
Tell me
Why

**** around
Don't make a sound
Choke an answer out of me
Lose your mind like your
Virginity

I can tell
You didn't give it to me

**** me with your stupid
Melancholy poetry

Tell me why you didn't love me

Tell me
Why
You do now
You can't have me.

"Stop"
face inches from mine
"Do not do something you will regret"
you back away
"That's what I thought."

I had a dream

We had a story

But when I woke up

Nothing was written


And that bothers me.

I woke up
With a clear head
For the first time in two months
Misplaced longing not hiding underneath my pillowcase
For once
I knew what I wanted
And it wasn’t you
For once
I knew I couldn’t keep doing this,
Seeing you
Promising pure intentions
And ending with you curled up naked beside me

You can not make love where there is no love

And I no longer desire you.

For the repercussions have finally pushed me over the edge

I know what I want
One good night of sleep later

And it isn’t you.

I don’t know if I’m really losing weight
Or if my self image has just become
Even more distorted
Collarbones
Ribs
More pronounced
Stick out  
Thighs
Arms
Shrink
But is it all in my head?
Do I just perceive myself as smaller?
trying so hard
Not to take up space
I could live under my bedroom floorboards
And still have room
For you?

I  was so happy to have him after i lost you
i  WAS  so happy to have him after i lost you
i was  SO  happy to have him after i lost you
i was so  HAPPY  to have him after i lost you
i was so happy  TO  have him after i lost you
i was so happy to  HAVE  him after i lost you
i was so happy to have  HIM  after i lost you
i was so happy to have him  AFTER  i lost you
i was so happy to have him after  I  lost you
i was so happy to have him after i  LOST  you
i was so happy to have him after i lost YOU

no matter what part you choose to emphasize, the phrase stays the same. over and over again, i repeat it. i lost you, now i have him, over and over and over again.

I  was so happy to have him after i lost you
i  WAS  so happy to have him after i lost you
i was  SO  happy to have him after i lost you  
i was so  HAPPY  to have him after i lost you


i was so happy to have him after  I lost you
i was so happy to have him after i LOST you
i was so happy to have him after i lost YOU

Boredom blankets thoughts
like snow muffled fields
Not growing anything this time of year.
The cold shakes us
To remind us it’s here
Sharp ice sneaks down
The once warm river
Dangerous
You can't blame nature
For fighting back
For hating us
And everything
Is quiet
And everyone is sleeping
With their eyes wide open
So this is winter
So this is life
Frostbite
As sharp as a knife
Skin cracks
And lips bleed
Warmth

A humane need.

Last year I was addicted to caffeine
I used to call anxiety spicy energy
Espresso shots and soft drinks tore their way through my veins
The year before that
I was addicted to you
I used to call the sadness inspiration
I used to call you
And you would always ignore me
I used to be addicted to writing
But people go through phases
We mimic nature
The moon is dark and darker and then it’s light again
Your heart is warm and warmer and then it’s cold
And friends
Will change and leave you behind
And you will cry in your car all night
After eating one too many edibles

This poem’s a mess
And so is my head

This year I don’t have any addictions
This year I am free
And I found that there isn’t that much in my personality
I tied myself to people and things
And being alone is scary
But I guess it’s better then being a slave
I guess it’s better to be ordinary.

I smoke **** because it makes the headaches go away
My brain pounds against my skull
And the lights flicker and
The sharp pain follows me home
The drugs made everything dull
I mean, can you blame me?
A life full of sharp
Stabbing
Pain
Washed away with an inhalation of smoke
The tramadol didn’t work
The codeine didn’t work
But the smoke

Worked.

I say I hate them
The boys
All of them
Really I hate me
For letting them treat me
The way that they do

You used to use it against me
You used to say
“You’ve changed”
“You aren’t the same person I fell in love with”
The pain
The blame
Of changing with your growing age
You used to smirk
After you flirted
After you insulted
After you won
I used to imagine what it would be like to kiss your thin pink lips
I thought I could predict the way you would kiss
The way the knives prickled off your tongue
Sharp
I am surprised they are not
Red with blood
You used to do a lot of things
You used to play god
But you kept forgetting your own rules
I
Was scared of your inconsistency
I
was scared of how much it took to get you to love me
I
Was always scared of something
And that something changes constantly

I
Used to
Be scared of you

I used to send you messages littered with
“I’m sorry”
And
“I love you”

We

Used to do a lot of things

But we don’t anymore

All the memories
All the ticks
Melted
With our friendship