oh my god she's in your kitchen in your parents house
does she know about the ghost of the cat that occupies the space in front of the oven?
does she know about the ghosts of us that roam the hall and the basement and your bedroom and the piano bench and the back porch and the shower and your driveway
god i don't miss the open doors but i would give anything to be alone with you in your parents house again
everything felt less real when you were two states and a train ride west of me
there's something about you being a potential 20 minute drive away that reminds me of my first suicide note
my second to last phone call from you was december 31, 2015 at 11:56 pm and i wish someone told me i would only see you again 2 more times following that
if only i had known that this would be the year i could swallow pills without any water maybe i would have kept my prescription

Don't go outside on December 31st
Don't go outside at 11:59 pm. Just
Don't go outside for cigarettes
Or round the corner for a pack of beer
Don't go outside even for a drink
Otherwise, that evening
If you step out of that door, for sure
You'll come back next year.

I request my soul to kindly erase all the curiosity and sit down comfortably
With a cup of chocolate drink
And cream topped over preferably
I request my heart to give up the vain desires and to become a devoted pious
And fill the excited colours to my life's sapphire
I request my muscles to have a great fun or outing with family
Cause outing with friends is a daily habit
I request my mind to spend some good time with Mama cause it's rare
But I can't
They all are controlling me
And I'm the one dancing with their appeals..

Where were you when the good guys lost?
When only bad guys got to score?
What were you doing to help us win the fight
When we needed a few people more?
How did it happen that you were so busy
That you couldn’t come face them down,
And let the people who were elected to lead us
Be rascals crooks and scary clowns?

Were you locked up in a prison someplace
Or in some kind of conflict of your own?
Was there a monstrous family schism happening
That put all else into the Twilight Zone?
Were you unconscious in an ugly coma
Through something horrible done to you?
Were you lost in a desert for a year or more?
Was there some brain freeze you lived through?

What could have been so important to you
That you could let our country go to hell
And fall into a pattern of human oppression
That the **** party did so freaking well?
What kind of earthshaking civic duty did you see
That was more important than our freedom?
What kind of social and political madness was it
That took the place of your sense of reason?

Are you planning to blame other people later
When the country we love falls apart?
Will you point the fingers at the leaders you chose?
And how late will you let that start?
Will it be far too late to stop your chosen lawmakers
From blocking every effort you or I make?
Will you let them swindle, rob and imprison all of us
To keep from prosecuting those on the take?

Where will you be when we try to fix this mess?
Will you be off enjoying wine, women and song?
Will you be in a debauched fool’s paradise when
The last chance for democracy comes along?
Or will you finally do some reading and research
To find out where this country went astray?
You haven't been able to wake and smell the fear.
Maybe you can come to your senses today.

seeking to post, embracing the sprite of send,
**, **, oh no, oh no, my work is roasted,
thy error message says
boy, thy work,
lost, burnt, and toasted!

did not your brother William foretell,
“These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triump die, like fire and powder
Which, as they kiss, consume”
their issue, our poems, explode and die, unsent!

Can you blast us a group message, a fine line of one or two,
what ails the system this politically incorrect discrimination,
some can, some can't, it is a glitch or has our transatlantic
"special relationship" or my operating system,
sunk beneath the clouds?

Post us brother, why some of us can and others not,
post our words which you love so much!

Well, this year was far crazier than the last
That's okay 'cause I brought my fight in full blast
After twelve months, the problems are yet to go
But in the face of it all, the strength and support did grow
And it was rough, some months it was hell
But I made it through like a wint'ry cold spell
I came, I saw, I did become
Save the vici for later; I'm nowhere near done

The water that is crushing me
is keeping me afloat.
I cannot feel the ground beneath,
and I'm not sure I can stand.
The pressure that is bearing me
is holding all my insides in
No longer see a shoreline
and I can't know I won't drown.
As I navigate myself,
and twist to find my East and West
I realize I've made quite a mess-
Left my compass with a gull.
The bird you see,
liked shiny things
and as I thought I had no use
for which direction
I might take
I felt it
quite an easy trade-
the weight of choices off my hands
And the bird with flightpath clear.
The sodden feel of water now
has permeated all my pores
and left me to shed salty tears
My feet ache for the ground.
I will tumble like the seaglass
with each wave my edges blur
perhaps the the sea will make me clean
Stripped of sin
and stripped of ache.
Perhaps this long night will end soon
If I can just
keep
floating
just keep
treading water...
just a while more.

Sahn
10/30/17

see air
    smell love,
feel alive,
        breathe skin
breathe a breath now,
while ....
if ever were
    the time,
wind stood,
            awaiting
wings
        display
now, why staying
for eternity.

It flies amongst the stars.
Flashes for a moment.
Despite the left scars.
Holds a place close, yet far.

It carries the fallen.
From mistaken paths.
To reaches impossible.
And develops new plans.

It creates new countries.
Raises dead soldiers.
Stamps unsung heroes.
With a feeling of free.

Hear its silent sound.
Open up your eyes.
Place it in your heart.
Elevate from the ground.

It helps us climb.
Better than rope.
Do you see its shape?
It is hope.