She drew an s  shape on my foot with a stick
I lay there, paralysed with fear,
thinking was this the subtle beginning
of a programme of torture.
Her white coat and stethoscope
glinting in the strip lighting.

She asked me if I knew where i was.
I lay there, frozen with fear,
not able to open my mouth.
I could read letters on her name badge
I read it as Dr Helliday
So that's where i was
I thought, that confirms it
along with her snake charming smile.

She tried to get me to drink
But I lay there stiff with fear,
not wanting to open my mouth
in case it was poison.
She placed a wet sponge on my lips
my eyes widening in terror.

Can you see how many fingers I'm holding up?
She said gently
I lay there tensed up with fear.
I thought it must be a trap
I couldn't open my mouth
and fall in.

I was seeing things around me
that pinned me to the bed with fear.
Patients pouring blood out of windows.
shadows of nurses in nooses.
I screamed inwardly.
But could not open my mouth
for fear had clamped it shut

This memory I have
Of the you I used to know
It's wrong on so many levels
But its made me grow
Taught me lessons
Of things I should know
About your character
The way you truly are
But it doesn't really matter
The truth can only go so far
The way that feels
And how I'll ultimately deal
I could never conceal
The love I feel is real
It's a shame
You don't feel the same way
Cause there's just something about me
And I knew there was chemistry
But for some reason
You never gave a **** about me
All the things I did
And would've always done for you
You'd think you'd learn
You'd think you'd have seen
But for some reason
**You never gave a **** about me

Some people close to me are concerned that I might get too lonely
I don't fear loneliness because I know
The worst kind of loneliness of all is feeling lonely in a crowd

i am nothing but a broken hearted
scarred and scorned woman
lacking the love and attention
that i had so long searched for
though it seems i may have found
a sudden break in the clouds
i'm terrified of what's inside
for even the sun hides sometimes

so when the floods come
and the fire burns out
and i've caused enough disappointment
and there is no tomorrow
and there is no good feeling
and there are no smiles
when the flood of my tears
destroys all you built to keep us afloat
...when it all fails

i may as well take a knife to my throat

My heart beat so hard the first time I held your hand
I'm sure you felt me shaking
and I drunk texted you once
and I still meant it all the next day
and I embarrassed myself in front of you
but my face didn't turn red

and I named a poem after you
and somebody called it beautiful

What are we, if not wave crashing into wave
moments unfolding outward at the same time
choosing to break, and not bend
seeking obstacle instead of pathway*

There's a truth in the way we
seek answers in another's silence
in the way lovers part and collide
limbs and consciousness be ******

Divergent thoughts and myopic sight
products of our narrow minds
we destroy sanctuaries, and *****
monuments to our own insecurity

water and stone, flesh and bone
we crash together, unyielding
until one day we realize that
*little pieces of ourselves have washed away