I would write a thousand poems in your name, but I will never capture your natural and unyielding beauty.
I would paint hundreds of portraits of you, but my pieces will never match a single smile you make.
I will walk a miles without caring whether I thirst or hunger, just so I can see your face, yet my body will give up before I reach you.
I would send you exotic and fragrant flowers as a homage to your loveliness, yet their fragrance will fade, they shall lose their color, and they will eventually wither and die.
I shall pray to God every single **** day until He smites me out of annoyance that I would be able to hold your hand even for just one second, but alas He still hasn't answered this one prayer.
I will do everything for you, and you know I would.
Yet you will not even notice me.

One day we met at a crowded street.
Your hands were on your pockets and your clothes were a bit damp.
An earbud dangling on your left ear and your eyes a hazelnut brown.
You got that vague smell of chocolate and your lips swollen red in the cold December air.
People walked past us,
hurriedly and unknowingly,
but time seemed to froze right at that moment.
Everything that's around us was a blurry picture of dismantled motion and I continued to stare upon your eyes in awe.
You looked at me quizzically and I just smiled in response.
I am a faded portrait of an identity you once knew and talked to.
I held my grip tight to my journal of poetries about you,
that I know I should give to you but I can't.
I'm there,
standing in front of my missing piece hoping that he'd remember me,
but you just shook your head and walked past me like I'm never a part of your memory.

You were the rabbit hole
that I fell into.
They deemed you as figment
as I claimed you to be reality.
I had no valid reasoning—
I just felt that
everything was **** right.
The steps I took on my way towards you
were the steps I shall not repent—
I presumed.
The enticement of the mystery
that the depth of the rabbit hole held
electrified me.
There was no trepidation—
just pure excitement
of something obscure.
The magic I've witnessed
seemed so real to me.
The fiction that happened
was non-fiction to me.
The lies you showed
was the verity to me.
Your Cheshire cat smile
was never mischievous to me.
—until I acertained
that our love
was delusional.
The thought of us
was just a phantasm.
You were the wonderland
that I never anticipated to show.
I fell.
I believed.
I ventured.
I wandered.
I wondered.
I lost—
myself
inside the wonderland.
The steps I took on my way away from you
are the steps I repent now
for I wish I had stayed
and stayed blinded by the fantasy.
The enticement of the mystery
that the depth of the rabbit hole held
now fears me.
There is no more excitement—
just pure trepidation
of something obscure,
and of something unreal.
And today, I can finally say,
as opposed to what I claimed,
You were the rabbit hole
that I fell into.
Now I'm in severe pain
for I fell too hard—
and they deem my pain as a figment
as I claim it to be reality.
I have no valid reasoning—
I just feel that
everything is **** wrong.

“Did it hurt?” he asked me. “Falling in love.” He looked genuinely curious. His eyebrows were scrunched up like a little kid trying to figure out how to play a game.

I smiled and answered, “Falling in love didn’t hurt. Falling in love feels like falling to the softest mattress that ever exists. Falling in love is insanely sweet. It controls the way you think, the way you act, and it slowly consumes you to madness. And because of that we tend to forget what we are really falling for. “It’s not falling in love that hurts. It’s being in love. It’s being in love with an illusion of what you thought was true. It's being in love and realizing that you had fallen in love with tantalizing blue eyes that’s tangled up with cobwebs of lies. It’s being in love with someone you thought would never hurt you.”

She is a scripture of broken promises and shattered dreams. Every step felt like walking on mysteries and every breath felt like drinking secrets.

She is a mess from another mess of a family. Every moment was another sad memory and every single remembrance was already a forgotten dream.

She is a painting covered in ink. Her colors have turned black and her lines have been smeared. She is a canvas no longer wanted because of a stain she cannot remove.

And so I tell her, look up. Stop stepping on mysteries. Stop living on sad memories. Stop letting your colors fade. Become as vibrant as your soul and become a masterpiece painted by yourself.

Do not throw yourselves to the bottom of the pit because of people who want to use you only as a stepping stone. Do not bring yourselves down because of flaws you are taught to hate because those flaws are what make you different. Those flaws are what make you beautiful and those flaws are what make you see the beauty in yourself. Do not hate others because of things you do not accept and do not turn from those who need help.

You are a scripture of promises and dreams and that very thing is the reason of your existence. To love and be loved by others but more especially to be loved by yourself. Understad that the hardships you have gone through are the lessons you will remember. You are allowed an infinite number of chances to turn things around, but remember to make every chance matter.

Remember to give people your heart and remember to give yourself patience. Patience to grow and patience to love. Patience to learn and patience to accept.

Learn to live how you want to live, because your life is a story that you write with your hands. Do not let others write your story for you. Write your story with your own words, sentences, paragraphs, memories, remembrances, dreams, promises, and with your very being.

Write with your hands; write with your soul.

“It’s not that easy,” she said. “It can never be easy for me to admit how much I like him. Every time I see his hazel brown eyes sparkle when he sees her, every cell of me that was hoping he feels the same way dies. Every time I see him blush when she notices him, a part of me wishing I was her aches. Every time he tells me how much he adores her, my mouth that wants to speak for my heart shuts up. Every time he wishes upon a shooting star, he catches passing by, that you could somehow notice him, I become a statue, just stuck staring at him and feeling every bit of the pain. How can I confess if I am unsure of what I feel? I don’t know if just like him or I feel something beyond that. It’s not really easy, is it? And how would I have the courage to speak up if I already know the answer?,” she smiled painfully, then released a deep sigh.

I still love you.
I love you even if you pushed me away. I’m sure you’re having fun that the situation is like this, that I’m missing you more than ever and that I couldn’t accept anybody else because I would always look for you. Always you. After all, ever since I met you, it was always you that I would look for in the crowd.
I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye no matter how many times I’ve told you that I would be fine without you. But I'm not. I'm not okay. Since the day you left, I’ve been flooding you with messages, typing the words I couldn’t say.
I don’t know if I could get over you.
And it scares me.
Every memory of you lingers inside of me. Every touch, every smile, every hug. They're still in me. But seeing you so far away and so happy makes me realize that you don’t need me anymore.
Because you're already happy with someone else.
I've always wanted to tell you how sincere I am,
How sincere my love for you is,
But now, my heart is full of hatred on what you did to me
You treated me like I was nothing but garbage. You easily threw me away. But unfortunately, that doesn’t mean I love you any less. I'm stupid, I know. But I am still madly in love with you. I know this won’t change anything. My feelings and my voice won’t reach you anymore since you’re with someone else now, but I just want to let you know that I'm trying to burn all of the traces you've left behind. I'm trying my best to forget you too, it’s what you wanted.
But I still love you even if you left me.

Your verisimilitude is deceiving. The memories we've shared are momentous. I thought there would be a probability of "us" but you rebuff the love I've showed and left me confused. The inception of our story is the part which I loved the most. This past few days I was lost and crestfallen by the memory of you. I never felt reluctant on every word you said and promised. But they were just words, words that will never be executed. I need to obviate myself from hoping. Our love became prosaic as you slowly repudiate this nerve racking feelings of mine. The thought of you should unyoked my mind for my heart opposes with my common sense. Thank you for watching me as I fall.

There have been a lot of things
That I have never said out loud.
They're always inside my head
In the deepest pit of my psyche
I know that it has happened
All these nasty things in my past
But there will always be a part of me
Agonizing and living like it's never there
It's one of the reasons why I deprive myself
Of love, affection and all things sugary and nice
Eventually you'll look at me as a really malefic entity
Though I won't exude that pathetic demonic kind of stare
I'm aware that we rarely have saviours who will be ready
To pull us out of intense and jarring gladiator self-fights
Can I just say **** all these lessons for compassion?
They're never kind to us, so why should we be?
Always I think it should be an eye for an eye
Because it's a rather fitting punishment
Should I not get the peace I'd need?
Give me a break here, oh please.
I never did anything, so why me?
These people around us are pigs.
They're all animals of opportunity.
These eyes will never trust again.

She is a scripture of broken promises and shattered dreams. Every step felt like walking on mysteries and every breath felt like drinking secrets.

She is a mess from another mess of a family. Every moment was another sad memory and every single remembrance was already a forgotten dream.

She is a painting covered in ink. Her colors have turned black and her lines have been smeared. She is a canvas no longer wanted because of a stain she cannot remove.

And so I tell her, look up. Stop stepping on mysteries. Stop living on sad memories. Stop letting your colors fade. Become as vibrant as your soul and become a masterpiece painted by yourself.

Do not throw yourselves to the bottom of the pit because of people who want to use you only as a stepping stone. Do not bring yourselves down because of flaws you are taught to hate because those flaws are what make you different. Those flaws are what make you beautiful and those flaws are what make you see the beauty in yourself. Do not hate others because of things you do not accept and do not turn from those who need help.

You are a scripture of promises and dreams and that very thing is the reason of your existence. To love and be loved by others but more especially to be loved by yourself. Understad that the hardships you have gone through are the lessons you will remember. You are allowed an infinite number of chances to turn things around, but remember to make every chance matter.

Remember to give people your heart and remember to give yourself patience. Patience to grow and patience to love. Patience to learn and patience to accept.

Learn to live how you want to live, because your life is a story that you write with your hands. Do not let others write your story for you. Write your story with your own words, sentences, paragraphs, memories, remembrances, dreams, promises, and with your very being.

Write with your hands; write with your soul.

"I was the lover you tried to immortalize on paper
You penned each words describing me;
turning my blood into ink and my body into paper.

But this is not where I belong.
And I do not need to be immortalized in pages.
All I need and have always wanted is to remain in your memories-
for as long as you shall live, so shall I too.

Let me out of the paper
Let me in, inside your heart
Let me be with you-
Or let me go."

Lock the doors. Shut the windows.
Lock me in this heart of yours.
Your heart is my new home. And I intend to live in it alone. Don't let anyone in, and don't let me out. Please, allow me to stay, and don't make me leave.
This heart of yours, how fragile it is. A work of delicate beauty, perhaps slightly cracked or partly broken, but still, a work of wonder. This is my new home, tattered and torn, but easily repairable.
Your heart, filled with goodness. Your heart filled with love. You may not feel it - you don't have to. The important thing is I do. I feel it, and I know it's true.
I don't care about your past, 'cause I'm too busy thinking of the future. A future with you. I don't care if your heart is cold, let me warm it for you. I know you've been through a lot, but I'm here now. It's all over.
Lock the doors. Shut the windows. I'm never leaving. Not unless you tell me to.
I love you. It's okay if you don't love yourself, let me do that for you. That's my part. I love you.
Lock the doors. Shut the windows.
Let me fix this heart of yours.

I feel like everything that has happened has led up to this.
The loving, the leaving, and the not-really living
Then loving, and living, and just living again.
You hurt me, I hurt you
Then we dance in vicious circles,
We, loveless, hopeless lovers..
You love me but you hate me.
I hate you but I love you
I s there no stopping
To the madness we've become?
Do we know the answer?
Do we want to know?

"It's been 367 days since I realized,
The different feeling when I looked into your eyes.
What I felt was nothing but surprised.
And I couldn't make the same mistake twice.

Looking back, I was so afraid.
I asked myself, ""How is it made?""
My heart answered, ""Soon it will fade.""
But somehow I knew, it was already played.

Tears fall down like a rain,
But this love for you will still remain.
I wonder why I can still stand the pain.
It ***** that I used my heart instead of brain.

But no more crying, I can't cry anymore.
It won't happen again like I did before.
Tears will no longer touch the floor.
But for anyone else, still can't open a door.

I wish I could tell you personally.
'Coz you don't know how much it hurts for me,
that some things are just not meant to be.
So tell me, how do I stop this misery?

I lost myself, I'm falling apart.
I shouldn't tell this... you broke my heart.
Because the decisions weren't smart.
How can I unlove you? Don't know where to start.

You know it and yes it's true,
Despite of the hurts that I'm going through.
And I hate the way I could never hate you.
The love is so strong, if you only knew.

Can't help it, it's just so real.
Mad because I don't know how you feel.
I am lost, I am on the wrong track
Why am I giving you something I could never have back?

Too much pain someday it'll make me grow.
Some people told me, ""Just take it slow.""
And I ain't scared or afraid to show,
Because I love you... and that's all I know.

Loving you, I will never regret.
This kind of feeling, I will never forget.
It's my mistake, I let myself fall.
Because I thought I have the right choice to risk it all.

The surface of the water
Was rippled with a seemingly
Endless series of tiny waves
Like the goosebumps that
Elaborately covered
The flesh of your
Naked thighs.
The sound of the sea
Hungrily kissing the white sands of the shore.
The faint whispers of the wind...
The afternoon was pregnant
With poetry
But all the poetry it bore
Was pregnant of you
You
Of which there was no escape.

You left me hanging
Tears continuously falling
Like a flowing river, streaming
And my heart, aching
I mourned for almost eternity
Then I realized suddenly
That you are not worthy
For you've hurted me endlessly
Now you came back like nothing happened
Asking for my love once again
But no, my heart's hardened
Besides, enough is the pain
Feelings slowly fading
Thank God for that feeling
And now I started to be happy
I've moved on, finally..

Tonight, I will forget
And leave the memories
Of you
And all about you
On the shore.
I will let the waves
Wash every fragment
Of your smile
And smell
Because my love,
I want to see again
How the sun rises
Over the horizon.
I want to feel
How the sun touches
My cheeks.
I want to travel
The world
And marvel
At the beauty it holds.
I want to run
And feel alive again
On every splash
Of wind
On my face.
My love,
Though I cannot love less
Than I feel for you,
I must forget you.
I must leave you.
You have been
A handcuff,
I can no longer write.
You have been
A blindfold,
I can no longer see the light.
You have been
A shackle to my feet,
I cannot move on and be released.
Tonight, I will let
Myself be drowned
With tears of you
For the last time.
I will let
Myself be caged
Inside the cocoon
Of your painful memories
Because tomorrow,
I will fly.

I almost fell
But no arms were open to catch me.
I almost held your hands
But yours just slipped away.
I almost looked you in the eye
But you turned to stare the other way.
I almost kissed your eyes
But you kept it close.
We're almost a connection
But you cut strings, lost threads.
I almost believe that once upon a times end in happy ever afters
But fairytales are myths
Just like an us that won't ever exist.
I almost love you.
I'm almost there.
Almost.
But almost wasn't worth the risks.
It wasn't enough.
And it would never be.

I got used to your morning texts. Maybe that's what made waking up quite difficult. I had to wake up every morning wondering why I had to feel that hole in my chest. And trying to shrug it off by the coffee you didn't want me to drink.
I got used to your sweet messages. Maybe that's why receiving messages became difficult. I expect your name everytime my phone beeps and it's killing me to realize you don't probably have my phone number anymore. So I try pushing the thought away by messaging boys you never wanted me to talk to.
I go through the day trying to tear away my mind from you. Trying to fit myself to any other puzzle but the memory of the old you. I try so hard to keep myself busy but I still pause when I feel my heart clench because of the things that remind me of you.
I know what I want. I know I love you. No, the old you. I love how the old you loved me so hard it felt like I was on cloud nine. You loved me so much I didn't bother loving myself because you filled me up. So when you dropped, "wala na kong nararamdaman" I didn't know what else to do. It's just so... Difficult.

People in painted faces
Living in quiet repression
Sharing a silent depression.
Unspeakable.
Insufferable.

Chained to their false personas by fear.
Playing pretend, always losing the game
Reality interveness
And as just as soon as it slips away~
Effervescence.

A dark fantasy in with all the characters are frauds.
The world is a stage.
The audience knows all the secrets,
The actors think they hide so well.

I want to write a novel about silence. The things people don’t say...

Some days I'm emotionally unstable
Occassionally putting my problems on the table
Needing a friend to see how I'm treated
In my lonesomeness and depression I feel so defeated
Once having brilliant brown eyes
Now turning red as they dry
Risking my own feelings to the dangers
A pain filled and broken heart is no stranger
In my silence I will cry
Never wanting to hurt you or say goodbye...

Little lady, little bird
with your broken wings
I don't know what you heard
But I can hear you sing
And if you listen to my words
Maybe it won't sting

Locked up in a cage
Safe from the weather
Tiny little rage
With your tiny little feather
The world's your stage
Can we perform together?

Stop looking around
You won't find the key
The chains are bound
I'm not letting you free
With thorns you're crowned

Won't you stay with me?

Go to sleep and close your eyes
Dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wings against a thorn
You know the pain that they have borne
Silver metal shine so bright
Scarlet blood that feels so right
Dream of that blood trickling down
The moonlights shining off your tears
As you bleed out your own worst fears
So tonight when you start to cry
Whisper  the  cutter's  lullaby.
Hushabye baby you're almost dead
You don't have pulse and your pillow is red
Your family hates you and your friends let you bleed
Sleep tight with a knife it's all you need
Rockabye baby broken and scared
You didn't know life would be this hard
Time to end this pain that you hid so well
And down will come baby straight back to hell.

Tell me how to keep you
Here by my side
Tell me what I have to do
To never say goodbye

So stay with me
I'll hold you tight
I'll tangle my arms
For you in the night

Because if you stay,
I'll love you so
Even through the rain
And through the snow.

So stay because I love you,
Stay because I care,
You're everything to me,
And this I forever swear.

I am an ironic paradox of dichotomy.
I am who I am and who I am not, simultaneously.
I am a devil with a halo,
A wolf in a sheep's cloak,
crocodile shedding tears.

I am the monster you all think I am
Do not cross my path,
I am warning you.
I can destroy you,
shatter you to pieces,
break every inch of you,
and annihilate you.

But despite all these,
I know  love,
And I deserve to be loved.
I need someone to accept me as I am,
disregarding all my flaws
and imperfections.

I know deep inside, I am not the child my parents wanted.

I can tell by the way they look into my eyes, because theirs glaze over, and by the way they don't take anything I say too seriously.
I can tell by the way they ask me about my future, and when I say, "I'm not sure but," they lose interest in knowing.

I can tell when they read the newspaper and see all the successful honor students at my school, they sigh, because my name isn't printed in ink on the list.

I feel like when I talk, they don't really listen, because if they did, they would read between the lines and realize I wanted to **** myself a hundred times.

I feel like when I'm upset I can no longer show emotion, because my mother has called me lazy too many times, and my dad has shook his head once too many.

I feel like when I'm sitting on the couch when I get home from school, they are disgusted because I should be "doing something more productive". So I 'sometimes' feel like being comfortable in my own home anymore.

I feel like I have to hide away in my room, because when I'm around them we don't talk much anyways. (Except my Mom)

I feel like I'm just another tab on their bill, especially when all they talk about is how they're low on money and make it feel like it's my fault.

It's just, I think they wanted someone  more, someone better.
I think they wanted a smart kid, just like my brothers and sisters,with a great passion for life, who is nothing but happy, busy, talented, outgoing. They wanted someone who would for sure succeed more than they did in life, someone who could assure them assistance in their older years.

But  they  got  me,
the kid who has social anxieties,
the one who gets 'okay' grades,
the kid whose  sad  most of the time,
the kid who has depression,
the kid who has secretly attempted  suicide,
the kid whose just another kid,
not the kid whose  Nothing  like me...

If you do not love the way her hair curls at the ends or her nose wrinkles when she laughs,
Then,
Let  Her  Go.

If you don't see her as a ******* masterpiece,
Then,
Let  Her  Go,
Because someone else will.
Don't  be  selfish.

If you don't love the way she sneezes or the way she dribbles the toothpaste down her chin when she brushes her teeth,
Then,
Let  Her  Go..

If your heart doesn't almost beat out of your chest when you wake up and the first thing you see is her, soundly sleeping on your shoulder,
someone else would **** for that.

Being with someone when you know you don't love them is  cruel.

It's not only cruel, it's holding them back from someone that could give them everything.

Someone that feels waves breaking in their ribcage when they see her walk around the corner.

Someone that has had the worst of days, but rainbows suddenly appear at the thought of her.

Someone who hears the sound of her voice and it soothes the darkest of nightmares.

If that is NOT you,

LET  HER  GO.

She*  is  wonder
Sh­e  is  magic
She deserves someone who
believes that every single day, is a special day,
Not on certain days.

“So when people leave, I’ve learned the secret: let them. Because, most of the time, they have to.

Let them walk away and go places. Let them have adventures in the wild without you. Let them travel the world and explore life beyond a horizon that you exist in. And know, deep down, that heroes aren’t qualified by their capacity to stay but by their decision to return.”

As I huddle in this corner of my room, as far away from any entrance as I can get, I can hear them coming for me.

I cringe as I hear them whispering my name, close my eyes as I see their shadows run past my windows and door. They're at the door now, beating against it, scratching it, whispering all of the grotesque things they want to do to me.

WHY  WON'T  THEY  JUST  LEAVE  ME  ALONE?!

I feel the cold steel of our kitchen knife in my hand, and I barely notice myself lifting it up, pointed at my neck.

I feel a moment of clarity now, as I close my eyes. It's better to die by my hands, than by theirs. This is my last moment of resistance.

*Goodbye

Everything is nothing
Everything I behold
All the thoughts I believe
The feelings I've had
Everything I see
Everything I touch
Everything I taste
Everything I smell
Everything I hear,
is  NOTHING.
All of a sudden,
Your mind will become still.
I know it's happening to some of you right now.
There is nothing to think about any longer.
There is no one to know whether you're doing it right or wrong,
Because everything is  NOTHING.

THERE'S  NO  PAST
THERE'S  NO  FUTURE
THERE'S  NO  GOOD
THERE'S  NO  BAD.

Everything is absolutely  Nothing.

even  if  this  is  cliche,
I  always  found  fall  so  pretty,
to  remind  myself
mortality  is  pretty  too
sometimes,
pretty  bad,
pretty  beautiful,
pretty  taken  for  granted*.

I wonder if you miss me tonight,
When all stars seem to be out of sight
I wonder if you ever think of me,
When our memory together is all I see.
I wonder if you sometimes reminisce,
When I always remember our very first kiss.

I wonder if you still care,
When calling you, I do not dare.
I wonder if it is me you love,
When I realized, it is only you that I have.

It has been 9months and 11days,
I wonder if you still remember our Monthsaries and Anniversaries.

When I decide to come back to you,
I wonder if you'd welcome me and say,
"What took you so long? I've been waiting for you, my Boo."

Who told you good artist are only see in television?
For they being so effinly good we didn't realize they are hiding in the screen name who we call "FRIEND",
Or some random people around us who other people mistakenly call "FRIEND".
They can act that they care,
They can be a newscaster who will talk behind your back,
They can make you cry,
They can be the Antagonist,
But a good girl in their story..

So be careful whom you call "FRIEND" .

Me : Sometimes I want to die.
D : Are you feeling suicidal?
Me : Not actively, but if something bad were happen to me, I wouldn't necessarily be upset about it either.
D : Please explain.
Me : I don't think I have the courage to actually go through with committing suicide, but I were to be walking across the road and a car was coming straight for me, I'm not sure if I would get out of the way.