Do you ever look back on how you behaved or something you said
and thought
I am embarrassing and dramatic?  
Nothing is that big of a deal in the end
In the moment it feels monumental
but looking back
everything works out eventually

Last night I closed my eyes and you came to me in the dark, just you in a room where you were surrounded by pitch black
Your face was blank, basically emotionless
as you stared back at me, it was like you were right in front of me and even when I opened my eyes your image was still fresh in my mind
No matter what I did I couldn’t make you go away
I didn’t feel scared of you but it just made me sad
Seeing you morph like my mind was remembering the details of your face and then you came into view the way I remember
As you,
with those eyes behind your glasses that they buried you in and that grey beanie that was on your head at your funeral, the one you wore to work so often, along with your other ball caps they removed from your desk
They told us we would feel so many ways for awhile after your loss
But no one mentioned you showing up in the dark

One week is as long as it takes for your job to wait before they clean out your things and go back to normal day to day life after you pass away
and although routines, business and normalcy all make sense for the mental health and financial success of everyone else still alive
because life goes on as it always does and always has…
it’s a reminder that no job is worth any extra of your precious time on earth or mental sanity
because it takes your employer one week to move on without you

Life is so boring
at this present moment in time
I could not be more burnt out with my routine
my job
my weekends
my appearance
the people around me
everything
It is no one’s fault but my own that this mindset is upon me
I have not done anything new in the past few years
I’ve been in the same town
in the same job
doing the same exact thing every day as if it is Groundhog Day
the worst part about it is
I have no idea or motivation to do anything else
I am well into my late 20s and life is comfortable
it’s confusing because it’s good
but also not because I have no moments of
“I can’t believe this is my life! How amazing!”
Is it too early for me to be having a midlife crisis at 28?
In my world as it is right now
I am not depressed so much as if this is what life is going to be like, I’m going to continue spending a lot of time waiting for the end of the day

My human experience is paused
I used to think crying all the time was the worst way to be
but now that I feel numb I’d take back the tears just to feel something
being able to cry is better than feeling basically nothing