You reminded me of the pain I cause
You reminded me that you loved me
That you will always love me
You're leaving me
You're leaving me because I raise my voice to get my point across
That hurts you
I hate hurting you
Hurting you pains me
I raise my voice because I think if I get louder you'll be able to understand me better
I raise my voice because I was silent for too long
I raise my voice because I never let anyone hear me
I had this problem where people would talk
And I would listen
People would fight
And I would listen
People would belittle me
And I would
Listen...
I would just constantly listen to how
Useless I was
How amazing I was
How smart I was
How I never was...
Enough
How I constantly needed reassured that I was loved
Or right
Or wrong
I was always wrong
My thoughts were wrong
My actions were wrong
I had no mind
I walked on eggshells so often that my feet became numb
I was no longer walking on this earth
I was sitting...
But not for too long because then I was useless again
I was constantly working to be better
To love more
To make everything that was unhealthy for me...
Work
I worked so hard to mend something so frail
Together
I raise my voice because I feel like you're hearing me
But you're not listening
I cry because I'm breaking down that rope that was so strong between us
It could hold the whole universe
I'm sorry we argue
I'm sorry this is work
Relationships are work
I'm willing to be better
I'm wanting to be better
Without being too silent
Without being too loud
Without hurting you
The idea that you find leaving me equally as painful as staying with me
Oh
My heart is shattered
For my intentions were to only love you
That's all I do is fall in love with you
More and more
Every day
Even when I'm frustrated or mad and I raise my voice
To a level
That I don't even feel that I'm yelling
I love you
You are my world
You are my heart

Where is that girl?
The girl that took a T and two buses to surprise me with flowers?
Where is that girl that brought me to life?

Where is that girl go that held her head high and loved so hard?
Where is that girl that drew me pictures, sang, and played the guitar for me?
Where is that girl...?

Who took her away?
Who Changed the way the wind was Blowing?
Who gave her all of this hurt?

Where did the girl that played board games at the dinner table with me?
Where did that girl who called me her medicine, her home, her love...go?
I miss that girl

I miss that girl who wanted me to sit next to her and hold her close always
I miss the girl who was quiet when she was upset
I miss the girl that never wanted me to worry about a thing...

I don't miss the girl who wanted to have long drawn out arguments about the smallest things
I don't miss the girl who said hurtful things when she got mad
I don't miss the girl who pretended

Pretended that she knew what she wanted out of life
The girl that painted such a beautiful picture of our life together
The girl that took me around a favorite neighborhood of hers to look at houses...
The girl that talked about having kids

This girl painted pictures that I didn't even see
This girl now played guitar and sang when no one was around
That's not the girl I miss

This new angry, hurt, and hurtful person is not the girl I miss...

Where is that girl...?

Lost behind walls of uncertainty; latching onto anything...
Just to feel less alone
To not feel anything at all

I don't know that girl
The beautiful, soulful, strong woman I fell head over heals in love with
Is
Gone...

I can see the gears churning when I look up in the sky
I taste the metal on my tongue
I see how the world works
I hear the music and feel it through every part of my body
I am not playing music
I am in a field
I lay out in the field and watch the flowers lean toward the sun as it begins to beat down on me
I see the blades of grass flutter
I focus on the sounds that I hear
Whether it's the wind slipping in between the blades of grass
Or the bees pollinating the flowers
I kick off my shoes and push my feet into the dirt
I feel grounded
There is no other feeling than this
I begin to feel anxious and spot a tree about 15 feet away
I think about running to the tree
As I begin my journey I notice insects gravitating toward me
I am not frightened
I smile and push myself off of the ground to enjoy this tree experience
Everything is breathing with me
Everything is alive
I begin to climb the tree focusing on not damaging the bark or the branches
I feel like being in the tree will help me to understand the trees
It will help me to coexist with the animals living in the trees
I inhale life
I exhale and see all the negative energies flow out of me
I inhale again
It's hard to breathe
I've allowed myself to let go
To just be
Tears of joy roll down my face
The taste of metal is long gone
The sun is beginning to set
How long have I been here?  
I came here with no intention of watching the time
What is time?
I begin to contemplate time and it's meaning
Do I truly exist?
I am existing
I am coexisting