As a child the frustration and aggravation we caused our parents counting down the days until Christmas or our Birthday.

And those afternoons in elementary school trying not to doze off while counting the minutes until the dismissal bell would ring.

The older I got the more I've counted my life away.
Count the years until 16 to be able to drive and be free.
Count the years until 21 to be able to drink and feel like a grownup.

Counting the months then years of the length of each relationship
Waiting to be wed.

Then counting the negative pregnancy tests over and over becoming hopeless that I would ever be able to count little toes and fingers.

Counting the tears that I shed for my husband, as the fairy tale family I dreamed of turned into a nightmare.

Counting the nights left alone, scared and waiting for him to return home.

Counting the minutes between each contraction.
Counting the moments before my miracle would arrive.
Then counting the staples in my belly where she had to be taken from my body so that we would survive.
Finally counting ten piggies and ten little fingers

Counting the hours and days daddy left us alone and scared in the hospital for him to party and drink.

Counting the paragraphs on the separation papers
Counting the steps to the court house
Counting the people watching as my romance and love was flushed away

Counting the almost endless nights praying for me and my baby
Counting her smiles, counting her wishes
Counting her Birthday's

Counting the moments I am blessed to be her mom
Counting the hours of work to be able to return home to her.
I will spend my lifetime counting.

I hurt myself in little ways
In the beginning.
I’d force myself to spend time
With people that I didn’t like,
People that didn’t like me.
I’d end up frustrated as the tears
Cut across my cheeks
Drawing invisible scars.
That was only the beginning.

I began to deprive myself
Of the simple pleasures.
I’d throw up after every meal.
I was dehydrated and malnourished
And it still wasn’t enough.
My mouth burned and
My stomach turned on itself.
I couldn’t sleep at night.
I didn’t want to.

Stage three of my self-hatred.
I secluded myself from my friends.
There were days that I
Wouldn’t leave my room,
Wouldn’t leave my bed.
There were days that my head ached
From the tears that burned as they fell
Onto photos of people that I used to be,
People that I wish I could be again.

After that, the inclination grew stronger.
I couldn’t decide between drawing blood
Or refusing to draw breath.
One bottle of pills, one locked door.
And it would all be over.

*** skriver sig ind i månen og
folder sig over og ud  i  en oval
form så *** kan passe ind og
tilpasse sig og i smalle sprækker
gemmer *** på hemmeligheder
om glasvaser  og *** har glemt
de andre nu
*** vander sine planter klokken
03:42 og så fletter *** sit hår, der
dufter af jord og ligner mosaikken
under hendes negle
det er svært at blinke i en regelmæssig
rytme, og det er svært at vogte over
de tunge øjenlåg, der hvisker gul poesi
om begravelser *** aldrig var med til

CONGRATULATIONS
give me decapitated heads,this is my prize(everyone is out to get me)
dont throw away the axe, it's yours
(STOP SCREAMING ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD YOU ******* COWARD LOOK AT WHAT YOUVE DONE)
everyone in the world is screaming right now
yourfaultyourfaultyourfaultyourfault
come on,******* **** me
CONGRATULATIONS**
and im dead by tomorrow night

Never say no to pizza
It's like saying no to happiness

The pitch black midnight sky
stares back at me.
Beyond the bright stars
There are things we cannot see
Secrets that the universe hid.

When it all turns into dust
I'll remember the way the sky made me feel.
Fearless and strong
Infinite and free.

Dark deep eyes are all I see.
I want them to absorbe me
I want them to bring me in.
Peace and quiet, stillness and fallen strings.

I will no longer be in this nightmare
Liberation is all I seek.
And when the night falls on me
There will be silence, there will be sleep.

I'll fly and bring you with me.
Stardust outlining our slim figures.
Cause all I want is your light to be brighter
The moon will drown in jealousy.

*Who needs to live forever if you don't belong to me.

I am constantly finding myself to be this easily agitated, but overly loving person, and that is because of you.

*******.

I've been attempting to search for the girl I once was and can't find what I'm looking for.
You took the best of me and left me with this.
This person I do not want to be.
This weak soul.
Weaker than I ever thought I could be.

I used to be strong.
I chose not to fight back because I thought you needed me.
I wanted to help you.
To be there for you.
But you made me this person.
And I hate who I have become.

You aren't even here to help me through it.

When I finally need you.

Yesterday he asked permission to kiss her.
"When pigs fly!" she said, with a laugh and a scoff.
Today he marched in holding a pig with wings
Duct-taped on (so they wouldn't fall off).

He tossed it in the air, I swear it did fly
I know because I saw him kiss her goodbye.