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lost Jan 2019
I lost track of me
i got addicted
to the worst kind of drug


i struggled to realize  
how much you impacted
every choice, every action, every move

i can't wear that blue shirt
  because it reminds me of the way i
felt with you
the happiness, the smiles, the laughs

i can do this

i wore that shirt today
i didn't cry
but i did smile
not because of you
because the happiness that came from my friends
my teachers, who I see as parents
the boy, i call my best friend

i latched on to his hug for about 30 seconds longer than usual
he asked "you okay"
"all because of this"
i smiled and walked to class
haven't wrote in a while i kind of forgot how. how to put my feelings into words. i struggled finding the words and feeling i had for you. Most were good but i couldn't forgot all the pain and tears i shed for you.

i don't capitalize "i" because i can't stand alone.
lost Nov 2018
i can't seem to put my feelings on paper
or speak them
you have seem to take my breath
but i can still breath
how strange.
lost Oct 2018
I don't know what to do
I am stuck in this gap
its hard to move forward
or backwards

im trying to choose between
him and him

him one
nice, funny, calls me cute, noticed me
distant, innocent, awkward
him two
cute, nice, funny, and some notices me
seems ***** all the time, clingy, its always wyd

they both notice me and i don't know why,
i'm not cute
i'm not funny
i don't attract any similes
i attract stares
lost Oct 2018
my inspiration has changed
the passion i write with is different
"be who you wanna be"
"happy, that's all you need"
to write something worth reading by many
isn't as easy as you think, or it may be
people expect so much of each other
but don't hold themselves to that own standard
lost Jun 2018
blame. it can be passed person to person
but the true ones will own up too it
"i messed up bro"
"i did that bro"
but you can't own up to what you did to me
you broke my heart
then left
but i just have to move on
i put it all on you even tho
you weren't to blame
it was me
but karma will come and get you
i heard she's a *****
i really do miss you
lost Jun 2018
Dear Mom,
As I write this letter to you, I hope you realize how much you have hurt me. And that all you are doing is making things worse. I can't seem to say these words you face to face nor will you let me.
I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect 5 year old again. I'm 17 I make mistakes. I don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time, but I will never admit to your face. But that shouldn't be your reason for your actions.
I don't want anything to do with you anymore. You have made life more of a hell these past few years then you probably ever will. But the drama needed to stop. But you didn't seem to realize this. I hope this isn't breaking your heart but you already broke mine. As I sit here I'm not crying, and I hope you aren't either. But honestly, everything I'm saying I have tried to tell you before. But you don't listen. I hope this letter would suffice for you, because you aren't getting anything more from me. I am done with you. I am done with everything you so call "have to offer". I tried having a relationship with you, you see how well that worked. You haven't seemed to show me you deserve another chance. I have always resented you for moving away from me. Always have and probably always will. But that isn't the only reason. As a mother your duties are to take care of me. I am your child. I come first before anyone and everyone, including yourself. This might be harsh but its the real world. Time for both of us to live in reality.  This is something you struggled with, this and making my life a living hell. But that isn't just it, you seemed to use me as a pawn or a spy for my dad, which i never seemed to understand why.  You just ditching me to go hangout with your friends isn't okay either. You will always be my Birth Giver, but you really didn't deserve the title Mom. I can't keep going down this road that I have been going down. It really has been enough. I'm done shedding tears for you, done stressing, and done sacrificing my life. Maybe in the future when I don't need to be dependent on you. But right now I don't need you in my life. You are basically destroying everything I have tried to build and re-build in the past four years. Many of my friend relationships have been destroyed because I took all my emotions to them at the age of 12. What normal kids has these emotions? I bottled them up and expressed them at the worst times possible. That is what happens when your the kid of ill mother who strains every part of you. I'm sorry if this isn't something you wanted to hear. But this is what I need say. I wish you the best in life and all your health issues. I will always love you, but right now this is the best thing I can offer.
this is something that has been hard for me to stay. i put it on here because my mom will never see this. I hope one day I can send her this but I don't know.
lost Jun 2018
Laying awake night is probably one of worst things about depression.
Because you’re neither tried or energized.
You just lay there.
Depression isn’t just being sad.
Depression isn’t just sitting at home because your to upset to go out.
It’s so much more.
It’s hard for people to talking about depression.
Just like the incarcerated cousin at family gatherings.
Or the just not so okay uncle that’s a little to close with kids.
But not talking about “it”
Is something you shouldn’t do.
Depression is something that can’t be defined.
It’s like water in a glass.
Shape shifting.
But we all still love and appreciate water?
So why not depression?
Ohh because it changes the loved one?
But what if the loved one really needed you to be there
But instead you ignore them because you think they need space.
Be there. No matter what.
Attempt to talk to them. Don’t push them away
Don’t ignore them when they are screaming for help.
Would you help a loved one if they were in pain?
Or would you just watch them suffer.
That’s what ignoring the topic of depression does.
i haven't been on here in a while.
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