these poems are the only thing keeping me alive
i write from keeping from crying
from thinking about all the calories i had today
whether i has enough water or to much soda.
these poems are the only thing getting me out of bed
i can only write sitting at a table.
these making me get out of bed to just write a poem
these poems are the only way i can count the days
i can't count them by the times i slept because i take
multiple naps a day
i count the days as how many poems do i not have published
so the days when i decided the published the poem
Those days don’t matter

Do you know what dying feels like?


Could it even be put in words?

thirteen reasons why i love you
1.You made me smile like never before
2.I never seemed to cry when I was with you.
  3.I thought you were the one
   4.The memories weren't scaring
    5.The pain wasn't as strong while being around you
     6.My scars started to heel.
      7.My smile never leaved while around you
       8.I was actually happy
        9.I enjoyed being around you
         10.When I laughed I wasn't faking
          11.When we talked it wasn't awkward
           12.My emotions were alway defined
            13.My heart wasn't confused about you
                                          thirteen reasons why i hate you
1.You can't make up your mind
2.You never said you wanted us to work
  3.My emotions never made a difference to you
   4.My feelings were alway wrong towards you
    5.We never did what I wanted
     6.We didn't talk about our problems
      7.I wasn't want you needed
       8.I did things that you didn't argue with you
        9.My beliefs weren't agreeing with yours
         10.My friends could never hangout with us
          11.Changing opinions wasn't what you ever wanted
            12.Changing for me was alway a no go
              13.Someone alway came first
                                                         one reason why I left
1. I loved you
                                                     one reason why you left
1.you didn't love me

People don’t realize
Everything I do
Has a purpose

Why do I have so many key chains on my bag?
So that when I walk it drowns out the sound of my thighs rubbing against each other

Why do I sit sideways on my chair?
So that you don’t see my thighs spilling over the edge on both sides

Why do I always wear jeans?
Because they hold in all my fat

Why do I always wear long sleeves?
So that I can hide the scars on my wrists

Why do I always wear hoodies and sweaters?
Because it hides my body fat

Why do I always straighten my hair?
So that it will frame my face and hide my double chin

Why do I wear four pounds of makeup?
So that I can hide my acne and disgusting face

Why do I play with the ring on my finger so often?
Because I do it whenever I'm anxious, which is often

Why am I always smiling?
Because on the inside I’m breaking but I don’t want you to see

You see
Everything I do
There’s a reason behind it

all i want
to do
is cry

why?
i don't know
it just
feels right

everytime i cry
the more i die
i'm afraid that
if i cry
i won't
recover