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ln Jul 2017
you say tomorrow will be better
you say the world will start over
you say the sun will shine again
my empty, sacrificed soul is lying on this godforsaken land
in a sea of opiods i am a bubbled addict
a bubble that ceases to exist
a bubble that is overlooked
a bubble so blank you'd almost consider it dust
dreams are for the hopeful
but where is hope when every inch of your skin feels like a graveyard
where is hope when blood feels like it is draining out of your body at the speed of sound
where is hope when the lump on your throat blocks your airway and you feel your body shutting down
where is hope when you question everything that you are, am i even a thing
where is hope when the answer never seems to stay
where is hope when this temple feels like it was built only to shatter
where is hope when the ground I walk on turns into a sinkhole and the water I drink turns into a sea monster
where is hope when the sunshine i bathe in turns into a third degree burn, my skin sCREAMING RIP IT ALL OFF
where is hope when my parasitic mind is looking to swallow me whole
where is hope when i sit on this empty highway and wonder if
tomorrow will actually
be worth fighting for
where is hope in this funeral
don't ask me where's the body
i am the body
your forced eulogies and apologies, don't ask me
don't ask me where's the body
i am the body
this is the funeral, i am the funeral
ln Feb 2017
Depression - My Story

I suffered in silence. For months, I felt like I was making excuses for myself and being lazy. The once bright, smart, cheerful me disappeared a bit at a time. With each wave, I'd feel more exhausted than I already did before. I felt tired, hopeless and dead on the inside for as long as I can remember. I started losing interest in some of my favorite things and even basic things like eating and showering had drained the living daylight out of me.

And then I tried to reach out to my friends. My head was telling me that I needed help, I couldn't do it on my own anymore. My body was reluctant but there were only two obvious options - help, or death. I tried therapy once, I gave up. Soon, everything kept *******. My life was out of order. I couldn't get out of bed for days, I was self-harming. I saw myself get into substance abuse and was counting on alcohol to get me through my days.

My grades suffered too, I could no longer focus on anything at all. I couldn't sit through a 2 hour movie, I couldn't pay attention to a one hour lecture, I couldn't finish a novel for over 6 months and I still haven't ( I'm the kind of person who finishes at 400 page novel in 2 days, mind you ), I couldn't hold conversations without zoning out. My sleep schedule was altered terribly and all I thought about was death. I was numb, emotionally empty and gone. I had lost my willingness to live and through all of that, I kept pushing myself to achieve good grades just to prove that I could do it. That, being my biggest mistake.

Each time I felt like I had won the battle in my head, it would last a week at most. I would then find myself falling into the same black hole and crawling, choking, gasping for air and trying to find my way out of it. I felt like I was doomed into eternal damnation and that was it for me. My life was over.

And then, came hope.

I think I finally accepted how terrible things were  after my numerous suicide attempts, and soon I had no choice but to leave my Pre-University course and seek for help, and this time quitting was not an option. I will always remember the day my parents and I decided that I would pack my things and leave college immediately. Two of my closest friends sat on my bed, we held hands and exchanged prayers for my recovery. These are the very friends who opened their home for me every time I had an episode. The very friends who rush from class with food for me every time I am too tired to get out of bed. The same friends who cook dinner for me, wake me up each morning. Send me messages of encouragement, and most of all - constantly pray for me. The same friends who saved my life, time and over again. And through it all, chose to love me without ever complaining.

Order still isn't restored, I still have my ugly days. I still see my psychiatrist, I'm still on antidepressants. But now, I know that my life isn't over. As a matter of fact, my life has just begun; and I have a purpose. One of my greatest dreams is to inspire people and so, I want my story to make a difference to anyone who feels like they are alone. To anyone who feels like the answer to all your suffering and pain is suicide, to anyone who feels like depression has taken over their lives and to anyone, who feels like no one understands. To anyone who feels like it is over.

Depression isn't just the lack of love, it isn't just the loss of a loved one. Not just how you feel after a broken relationship or when you fail your exams. I had more love that I ever deserved, I had all the support in the world. I had amazing people around me who more than anything - wanted me to survive. I'm not there yet, but I know that some day, I will be.

My depression does not define me. My scars carry more stories than my heart ever will, and my smile, it carries stories of how recovery; like I once said, isn't a myth. It is possible.

Through it all, I owe my greatest thank you's to my family, friends, lecturers and psychologists for never once giving up on me, even when I did. To the people I barely even knew who reached out to me every time I was starting to sound suicidal on my social media accounts. For never complaining, for being my rock. I love each and every one of you so much.

A little note to you, reader.

Hey you,

First, I want to tell you that you have nothing to prove. You live for yourself and every single one of us has a different journey. I want you to know that things will get better. It sounds clichè, I know. Everyone says the same **** thing, I know that too. But I promise you, the sun will rise again and the storm will pass. Darkness will evaporate and light will surround you. The weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders, and life will restart. You will live, you will get through this. I am with you. Now, and always.
ln Jan 2017
i still am trying to hold back my tears as i write this down. i thought about on my way home and debated with myself for a good 3 hours and decided that i have to write this, if not for people, for myself.

i visited the ward as a visitor today. it felt weird to be on the other side of the door. it felt weird to be on the other side of the glass, and it felt weird to look into the eyes of someone i once knew.

it hurt that as soon as i walked through the open doors, i hear the screams of a man speaking in a language i did not understand. it hurt to watch him being pinned down by 2 men almost twice his size. it hurt to watch his mental pain being temporarily stopped with physical pain.

it hurt as we started talking. it took almost every ounce of courage inside of me to hold my tears back, because i knew that me crying would dampen his spirits and affect his recovery. and i knew exactly what that feels like.

it hurt to sit back and watch him explain his illness in terms i knew far too well. it hurt to hear him say " stay here, you would understand this more than anybody else. " it hurt that i understood. it hurt that for that brief moment, i didn't want to understand. i didn't want to be in there. my legs were shaking but i listened anyway.

it hurt to hear him explain how the electricity worked and hurt his jaws. it hurt to tell him to be strong, because i knew how much it would take out of him to just try. it hurt that he cracked up jokes in the middle of our conversations, i didn't feel like laughing at all.

it hurt to watch so many people suffering from illnesses they never asked for, it hurt to watch so many of you suffering from the pain you don't deserve. it hurt to just sit there and not be able to do anything about it. it hurt.

but it hurt because it wasn't my place to feel hurt, it was yours. it was your place to scream and shout. it was your place to cry and break down into a million pieces.

but it hurt because you couldn't, because in your head you are fine. in your head, you're at work. in your head, none of this ever happened. in your head, 20 cops didn't restrain you. in your head, this is a perfect world.

but it didn't hurt because i knew deep in my heart that no matter what, the way i feel about you will never change. the strong, courageous, brave, joyful, kind, happy man that i grew up knowing will always have a place in my heart. no amount of ect's and antidepressants will take that away.

*so thank you, for opening my eyes to all the pain in the world.  thank you, for making me understand that there is greater suffering in the world. thank you, for teaching me the value of gratefulness. thank you, for educating me, even if it was through your suffering.
ln Jan 2017
you may think this is going to be a list of how i almost killed myself about 10 times, or how i was stuck in the psychiatric ward but no, it isn't.

1. Depression taught me to rely on God. I found my faith and realized that my God is bigger than my mental illness. I found light even in darkness and learned to lean on Him more than I ever have, and I am so grateful.

2. Depression taught me to stand on my own two feet. I learned very early into my diagnosis that I had to save myself because no prince or princess charming was going to come in a pumpkin carriage and sweep me off my feet and no fairy godmother is going to flick her wand and take my illness away. It was my battle to fight.

3. Depression showed me the people who loved me for me. It was quite easy to figure out the people who wanted something from me and the people who wanted me. It was heartbreaking to realize the truth, but better late than never hey? Cutting off everyone who only chose to be a part of my life for their selfish needs has done me more good than any other choice I've made thus far, I am so happy.

4. Depression taught me to be kind. Being thrown into what felt like the deepest pits of hell taught me what pain truly feels like. I had always known that mental illnesses were torturous, but experiencing it first hand is a whole new level and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemies. I learned that everyone is suffering and we all fight battles, and how important it is to recognize that the person next to you may be going through hell and just chooses to be silent about it. Be kind. It may not mean anything to you, but it may mean the world to the person next to you.

5. Depression taught me that I am a strong *******. It tried to break me, over and over again. It put thoughts into my head and told me I wasn't good enough and I would never be, good enough. It told me I had to harm myself to feel things and it told me I would be better off dead. It told me I wasn't worth of love, happiness, kindness - I wasn't worth anything. It told me to wreck myself because I meant nothing anyway. It told me to make decisions that only made me feel worse because at that point - I would have done anything to take the pain away. But here I am today, able to write all of this without shedding a single tear. Because I am strong. I suffered, but I survived. And nobody will ever, be able to take that away from me.

6. The last, and most important lesson. I've always wanted to change lives, make a difference. Depression taught me that I didn't need to change 200 lives at once. I didn't need to change the world when I was 18 years old. All I needed to do was listen to someone, give someone a hug. Talk to someone when they needed a friend. I was changing the world, even if I didn't realize it. And I will continue to do it.

To everyone who's wondering, I'm off anti-depressants now. The fear of relapse constantly does bug me, but my will to survive exceeds everything else. I am a fighter. And so are you.
ln Dec 2016
First off, you probably already know I am a people hoarder. I keep everyone close to my heart, even the ones I know I shouldn't. But like poison, you crept into my blood stream and choked me. You watched me suffer and scream for help and watched, because that is what you are - a watcher.

I want you to know this wasn't an easy decision to make. Regardless of good or bad, you played a role in my life and kept the balance going. But I've decided to disrupt the balance - as silly as it sounds. I told myself I was going to give, and give until I have nothing left to give. But I've seen emptiness. And the dark scares me.

I've realized that it is pointless to **** myself for someone who doesn't see my worth. Call me petty, call me self-centred. I will not sacrifice for someone whose intention is to use me. There is, a fine line between being kind and naive. Unfortunately, it was you who made me realize the difference.

I'm sorry you mistakened my kindness for " hey please step all over my head because I'd never find out anyway. " I'm sorry you thought I hadn't heard of the story of broken glass. When glass breaks, you can fix it. It'll just never look the same. Glue, tape - hate, love. I tried it all. It never really does work, you know. The story isn't cooked up.

I'm sorry you took my company for granted because I don't know if my absence will affect you - but I should learn how to no longer care. Don't get me wrong, it's going to hurt. But sometimes you have to just pull through - because that is exactly what life is about.

Having you in my life has affected me terribly in some ways. You watched as I hit my lowest - as I fell into deep rubbles, as I walked out of it fighting, only to hit the ground again every single time. I'm sorry you had to see the worst of me, and didn't know what to do or say. I forgive you - you didn't deserve to see me that way, I apologize.

I still wish you the very best in everything that you do. You were once upon a time all I thought I needed, but it is time to let go. I loved you then, I love you still. I'll light up candles for you occasionally, and I am sorry it had to end this way.

Take care, stranger. I think I'll miss you forever.
ln Dec 2016
i am twirling in a dark space
the door is slammed shut, i heard the keys were right down the door
there are no windows,
there is no laughter

all i have known is my head locked between my thighs,
all i have screamed for is the help that never seemed to be enough,
all i have felt is the tears running down my face,
all i have heard is the laughter - this silence is deafening

i have tried to reach for the door but i can't find it,
how do i let the light in?
how do i open up my heart?
how do i let this pain float away?
how do i ask sadness to let me go?

i am stuck in this room,
i am stuck against this wall and i can't see,
the dark doesn't scare me anymore,
this now feels like home.

the dark is my home,
don't call my name for i am long gone,
all that is left of me is the shell of the person i once was,
i am a walking, breathing, corpse

don't ask me to feel,
all i remember is pain.
don't piece the broken fragments,
i want to be gone.

*i want to be gone.
ln Nov 2016
my heart is empty and my mind won't shut up, it keeps repeating a mantra " you're not good enough, die. you're not good enough, die. you're not good enough, die. " every part of my body aches just to drag my feet out of my bed and i am freezing cold under the sunlight. i feel like i am in a crowd of people and everything around me is moving at the speed of light but i am stuck in one place, unable to move. everyone keeps moving and i am screaming but no one will stop to listen. i am drowning in a sea of people, i am suffocating. the voices won't shut up. i beg for them to leave me alone, just for a day - i say. i hear the laughter in my head and it's true - i will never be left alone. i reach for the blades and i hear my parents ask " will you ever stop hurting yourself? " " why are you cutting yourself? " - BUT MUM I AM ADDICTED TO THIS PAIN. i don't want the alcohol, i don't want the cigarettes. i want to watch myself bleed to death - i want to be in a coffin. my mood jumps suddenly. suddenly i am the happiest person in the entire ******* universe. everything is funnier and i laugh at the stupidest things. someone trips over and jesus it's like i've never seen someone fall. my books drop and it's like i haven't heard a sound like that in my life. my sister laughs and it's like i haven't seen her in 2 years. then the voices come back and i forget who i am. i am so sad and i scream at everyone around me. my heart is empty and i am worthless. my existence is purposeless and these antidepressants make me even more worthless. my fingers are freezing and the voices get louder. my blade runs back and forth and my mum says these scars aren't going to fade, ever. but mum, i don't really care because i don't even know if i want to be alive tomorrow. " i want to see you get out of it"  but mum, i was never given a choice. depression ****** my soul like a vacuum cleaner and anxiety followed because it was her best friend. bipolar disorder then followed because three is a charm? feeling like dying isn't a way to live and i am so tired. i honestly am so tired. i am tired of hating myself, i am tired of starving myself because i feel so ugly. i am tired of binge eating and then throwing up at 12 am because that's how ****** it feels like to be upset. i am so sick of this void inside of my body that jusT WONT LEAVE ME ALONE
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