he had loved the color orange
passionate orange,
relaxed but caring
deeply

she loved him
as much as he loved
the orange hue in the sunset
vibrantly

he loves her
passionately
caring,
but not relaxing

they clash and orange
is no where in sight
red, violet, blue, green
they splash on their bodies

and other times
they are no other color than
orange and it's siblings
mellow and together

she wishes for them to be
orange, but sometimes he
becomes red and she is
every shade of the end of the rainbow

she becomes violet, then indigo
she transitions to blue
she darkens to the deepest shade
she is only blue, darker than black

he is red, extreme red
he is full of passion
he is fiery and about to explode
he is so bright that he illuminates the whole world

she wishes they could become orange again
and she believes he does too, but
something had happened and they were
only the siblings, no orange around

anxiety crawling around my skin
head full of empty thoughts
nails in torn and scarred skin

talking to my therapist
fourty-five minutes of talking
feeling self conscious

tired of going to working
tired of going to therapy

tired of messing up
tired of falling down

tired of waking up
tired of existing

my apologies mean nothing

i told you how i felt, why i didn't do what you wanted
it meant nothing to you

because "no excuses", right?
if you were on this website,
you'd know i was writing about you.

but you don't know about Hello Poetry,
or that i even wrote poetry.

now, i'm left crying, wanting to self harm again
and you think i don't want you in my life.

it seems more like you don't want me in yours.

my back hurts and has been hurting
for a really long time now

it's not just an ache when i bend over
or when i stand too long

it's constant, reminding me its always
present with its constant throbbing

each disk of my spinal cord feels like
its carrying all my weight on it

but i think they are carrying much more
than my own body on them

my bones are carrying you
but it's not actually you

it's the old you
the memories of you

a genuinely happy you
the one i met back then

the one i began to fell in love with
but you seemed so distant

even though you spent every waking
moment with me, and only me

we were distant, and then you told me
you loved me, and wished i felt the same

flustered i told you i loved you,
i had from the start

we dated for less than a week
but i carry you in my body

every loving memory of you
of past you

in between my bones you sit,
closer to me than you are now

and sometimes i still think that
i love you, but i don't want to.

this girl
*******, this girl.

she was heaven and hell at the same time. all four seasons at their fullest, the snow, the sun, the flowers, and the baked leaves. she was determination and shyness, happiness and sadness, all at once. all at one time. she was the sun, the moon, the stars, the planets, and the vast emptiness of space.

i was dull. i was the long roads in the middle of nowhere. the places people lose themselves, lose each other. i was empty. i was all those nights you dont remember your dreams. i was all those places you didnt go, because the other was better.

she was everything.
i was nothing.
she was my everything.
i was her nothing.

do you hear that?

the sound of my heart

beating loudly

and passionately

just for you?

or is the sound of

your insults

too loud for you

to concentrate

on more than my

appearance?

i get too attached
i get too focused
i get too comfortable
to strangers
to new people
to old friends
too fast
too fast
too ******* fast

i hate myself for it,
i can't think about you, or her, or him
without wanting to pick up
the small silver solution
and push it into the feelings
and have it all wash away
like when i used to stand in the shower
for hours at a time to just think about things
but now i cant stop thinking and it gets too difficult
to stop thinking and just fall asleep to
temporarily leave this dastardly plane of
"living"

you asked me to be mean
but i couldn't do it

you asked me to be upset
but i could only be disappointed

you asked me to do this
and i'm trying to help you

but i still find a way to **** up
and feel so wrong about it

i'm just being mean
but i'm trying to help

i always wanted to graduate and leave the hellhole of high school
i always expected that when i was graduating that i would receive a scholarship from some state college
i always imagined i'd fall in love with someone between high school and college and that would be the love of my life

i wish i could have left high school when i knew what i wanted to do with my life
no colleges want me & no one was there to fall in love with me

if i stayed in high school until i knew what i wanted to do, i think i would be in high school until i passed on.

i have not touched your skin and you have not touched mine,
i haven't felt your warm breath on my skin, on my lips, and you have not felt mine,
i do not know what you smell like, except for the bunny plushie you shipped to me, and you still have yet to smell my fragrance.

i love you though, and you love me. i love you more than i have ever found myself to love someone, and we have dated, yet this love i have for you, can not be bounded by the love someone feels for their significant other,
you are not my girlfriend
you are not my best friend
you are not my wife
you are not my soulmate.

you are my everything, you are the reason i continue breathing, you are the sounds when everything goes silent, you are the pleasant cozy scents when everything is rancid, you are the glimmering sparkle in a sea of darkness.

i am glad that in all the alternate universes there are, i am living the one where i met you and we are closer than a married couple, than twin sisters, than a mother and daughter. we are closer than the human vocabulary can explain.

i could go on for hours about how much you have impacted my life and how i'm so satisfied with you being in it.

and sometimes i still get sad when i think about how there are alternate universes where i don't meet you, or i don't become friends with you, or i even hate you. but those universes are ******* out by this one, and the other ones where we are close, ones where we are still dating, ones where we live right next to each other.

you are the most important person in the world to me, and we have a love that is so much stronger than anything i've ever felt before, ever seen before, or ever even read described before.

i.
love.
you.

Usually I enjoy talking about my completely
Not worth listening to feelings but
Undoubtedly people have lost interest
Such as a girl who
Used to vent to me like I vented to her but
After I vented too much she had
Left me behind and found new friends.

i still miss you
every day
every night

i don't get to sleep with anyone who is there in the morning

i don't have someone who talks to me the way you did

i miss you

i miss us

i feel sad
with out you

but i'd feel sad
making you stay
with me

why do we teach children the wrong things*
why do we tell children* if they are being teased by the opposite gender, it's love
why do we tell children that santa claus and the easter bunny exist
why do we tell children that everything is going to be okay

we are teaching children that love starts slightly abusive
we are teaching children imaginative creatures just to tell them they don't exist later
we are teaching children that all pain goes away

Barnaby hands me my daily
  cup of coffee, but this time, it's night
  time, and the coffee reminds me of the war
  but not the allies annihilating the Germans or Japanese
  but the war between me and him every time
  he confesses his love to me, the words pierce
  through my heart
  I will never love him as much as he loves
                                        me, I'm disgusting
  like the taste of the coffee
                                        just beans in water.

when you are told you are worthless

over and over again

you begin to believe you are worthless

and you try to make everyone else

also believe you are worthless

i cried for a good two weeks
after the main incident
i had told you i was sad
but i never told you what else
i had let happen

i stopped eating and
i stopped trying to breathe

but

the body won't let you stop
breathing, your body knows
you are a holy temple,
made to love but also to
be loved.

i was made to love you.
but i was also made to be loved.

brown eyes are my favorite
they are spiraling and layered
years of depth and emotion

he has brown eyes
they are full of life
and a purpose

when he stares at me with those eyes
i feel so loved by him
and i feel touched by him

i want to be enveloped by him
held forever
safe.

i love your eyes marcus.