pain was always more convenient
than
   feeling
         nothing
         at
                 all.

I've grown
accustomed
to saying sorry
even if it's not my fault
to saying thank you
when given pain
to accepting defeat
before the game
to walk away
because I was never
needed to stay.

I've grown
accustomed
to the opposites
all my life
I've lived like this

and I grew up
knowing I will
always be wrong

maybe
they needed someone
to blame
maybe
they needed someone
to carry all the weight

and no matter how hard I fight
I'll always be on the losing side.

don't let your hand
dangle
at the edge of your bed
a monster
might take you
and whisper thoughts
in your head

don't let your hand
dangle
at the edge of your bed
use it to wipe your tears
or to calm your chest

don't let your hand
dangle
at the edge of your bed
keep it close
keep it to yourself
take care of it
until you find someone
worthy
of holding it.

I stitched
your name
here
in my chest

and every time
someone got too close
don't touch this,
this is not yours
was what I always said

people came
and people left

I still waited

but one day
the stitch ―
your name
untangled itself.

every
I love you
that comes out
of your mouth

wouldn't do

I was just not ready
to be found