i had my words stolen from me
time and time before
strips of duct tape placed over my mouth
to keep me silent
because it was wrong of me
to feel anything but happy

and really
i’m okay
these words bled out
from the ink in my pen
were the raw emotions felt
that i couldn’t seem to verbalize
pieced together into
these innocent little stanzas
that everyone seems to write
from time to time
so what’s the harm
that comes from a few lines?

and if i wanted them out there
i would have told you
either shouted from the mountain tops
or whispered in the dark
if i wanted you to know
trust me
you would have known

but instead of dripping onto paper
the ideas, the emotions, the pain
whatever you want to call it
buried itself inside me
became ammunition
in a then loaded gun
pointed at my head
until it became too much
where any little thing
could just pull the trigger
but it was always better to keep me silent right?

so think think twice
before you steal these words from me again
because this time around
the ammo locks into
my fiery tongue
not afraid to fight back anymore
because I’ve found my words again
no thanks to you
1/27/2019

i will kneel on this floor
over and over again
for as long as it takes
to scrub the words
of self hate away
from even the deepest crevice of my mind
and the darkest parts of my soul
so i can finally begin
love myself again

                                           -recovery is not linear

1/27/2019

i was at work this evening
sweeping back and forth
back and forth
and back and forth
...12 times
mind plagued with compulsions,
ocd, anxieties
i hear the whispers
muttered by those who think
that u were the one
who did this to me
wow, u really drove me mad,
drove me crazy!

but back to the scene at hand
i hear the opening notes
of that band
i know and that song
that became so comfortable and
oh so familiar
...zz top, sharp dressed man

i’m taken into a trance
this image of you smiling on this couch
oh so deceiving,
yet so inviting
i give in and sneak a glance
of you
playing your own one man air band
drums and guitar
with you’re long hair flying everywhere
like a crown around your head
...before those toxins turned your hair
as thin and frail as you

there’s a tug at my heart
and it hurts a little
what’s this feeling?
i haven’t felt this towards you in a while
but it comes by sometimes
hand in hand with that deceiving smile
for a fleeting moment
...i miss u?
before i remember
what lay behind
that venomous grin

then i’m angry
for once not at you
but at myself
i hate you!
i hate you
i’m supposed to hate you
right?

i didn’t know what to feel
before i felt that familiar sensation
a heavy weight in my chest as
my heart rate speeds up
and i have to pull myself back
into reality
quick! before i lose control
thoughts spiraling around me
focus on something else
anything else!
anxieties, ocd, compulsions
maybe it’ll ease the weight on my chest
i grip the broom in my small, sweating, trembling hands
and begin to sweep
back and forth
back and forth
and back and forth
...24 times this time
1/22/2019

it’s no secret
that i’m short
it’s always been that way
and it will always be that way
stuck at 4’9 forever

and by the laws of physics
or science
or whatever
i don’t really
take up much space

but ever since i was young
i couldn’t help but feel
that i was too much
i took up too much of the room
around me

so a lots of times
there were these thoughts
always playing, like static
telling me how
to take up less space
or make less noise
and become even more
invisible

pull your arms closer
tuck them in your lap
tip toe, so floorboards
don’t creak under your steps
don’t move
keep still
and most definitely
do not let any words slip from your mouth
because any noise, and movement
brings attention
and attention brings judgement
from the people around you
so just blend in
and be invisible
never take up too much space

but that was not living
and i’m sad it’s taken this long to realize
that my existence is too beautiful
to be invisible
and blend in among the crowd
so i will stomp the ground
and shake the earth beneath
i will laugh and
shout and dance
and let everyone know that i am here
because i am worthy
of taking up space
-2/12/2019

every line and curve
a new road to somewhere else
love them all the same
       -the only hiaku i’ll ever write