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Leilani Jan 2018
It’s true what they say

The person that cares least, wields the most power
Leilani Dec 2016
My love for you may seem
Conditional

But my rage and deep despair seem
Endless

Your actions, your choices, your words
Push me to the point of irrational cynic

I cannot face you
I cannot look at you
Only to pour through memories of my childhood
Now tainted

And yet I still feel
I must succumb
Must yield my pain
To save your pride

Today
Your 60th birthday
I cannot wish you well
Not yet
I'm not to that stage
Forgiving

I cannot, through gritted teeth
Say 'happy birthday'

I do not wish for your happiness
Because your quest for happiness
Drove you to infidelity

And I didn't wish for that
Leilani Dec 2022
Her almond-shaped gaze squints slightly
as if to question “how can this be?”
A wave of solace overtakes her
A sun break streaming through,
dissolving every cloud,
tiny particles of warmth beaming
every last cell of her, radiating

Safe and held in the caress of his softness
Deep desire seeps from her, dripping from each trembling thigh
The same which hold him,
locked in a grip of passion
An unfamiliar yearning
An indescribable pulsation
Each wave overcoming her attention
Each longing so visceral, they leave her
crying out in gasps of predilection

She rests in pleasure of deep golden hazel
Asleep soundly knowing those eyes,
those hands have taken her in completely before finally releasing her to a slumber of immeasurable possibility

She feels awakened
A diverging electricity courses from her
A dichotomy of unknown-mixed-certainty
jolts her palpating heart with exhilaration
Each story from his lips weaves continual mystery,
twinning a heightened awareness;
That pure contentment graces her just at the sight of him
Leilani Jan 2016
A fair price to pay
So much we must weigh
Everyone has their cross to bear
If only there were a scale for despair

I glorify the uncertain
Making myself the aversion
Till I'm blinded to God's sacrifice
There's nothing left to romanticize

"It won't always be this way"
Is the message they send
"I just want one good day"
What they can't comprehend

Cowered small, no reprieve in sight  
I wish there was anyone left to fight
Unarmed, all defenses have fled
To the constant unbearable noise in my head
Written on a day when I was more depression than person.
Leilani Dec 2016
I'm convinced
Heaven and Hell don't exist

Not like I thought they did

I've experienced Heaven
An innocent first kiss
Holding a new life
An unrelenting friend

I've experienced Hell
A malignant lie
A body broken
Unbearable pain

Heaven and Hell are not places
we go
We experience them everyday
Leilani Jan 2016
I stare
at this screen as if unpracticed
Though my reaction anything but masked
So naive we can be to feelings abstract

I see*
You lack clarity to recognize beneath you
As if you really see, truly view
What it is I so badly wish to say, hope to do
Of all that surrounds, subjects, and subdues

I fall
Forward into the plot of despair
Who will hear me, who will care
But then I recall of one passively there

I shudder
To think of what you would say now
Watching you breathless, wanting for air
Made my own lungs hostile, for how unfair
That which I craved, you had to bear

I know
The cancer was quick, it took you well
I really was not sure how to tell
You
Now there's no chance, no choice
Oh, how I miss your beautiful voice
Recently lost someone I love very much to lung cancer.
She never smoked a day in her life.
Leilani Apr 2020
Lately I have felt convicted,
about all, which I don’t have to worry.
About all that has others afflicted,
out of work, hungry, and thirsty.

Lately I have felt burdened,
for those that suffer with sickness.
For those whose conditions have worsened,
at their end, only masked faces bear witness.

Lately I have felt culpable,
that I am deemed essential.
That my work is somehow untouchable,
while others’, made to seem incidental.

Lately I have felt completely content,
that I get the opportunity each day,
to relish every single moment,
never again, wish a minute away.

You see, I have come to realize
reasons for why I came to be;
To love others, acknowledge, and empathize,
all of which for others, feels unseen.

But I have also learned something crucial,
a truth I could never before believe.
I need no one else’s approval.
I need not always to achieve.

I am beginning to believe I am worthy.
I am starting to believe I am enough.
Where was I going in such a hurry?
On myself, why was I so rough?

There is nothing stronger than gentleness,
and nothing so gentle as true strength.
To be vulnerable is not a weakness,
to care, converse with others at length.

There is nothing more precious than time,
it is neither here nor there.
We can live either by default or design.
We can choose to take or abundantly share.

For me, I will chose the latter,
no matter how much or how little I possess.
For me, now loving myself matters,
loving others, the ultimate success.
Leilani Dec 2016
Where do I begin
What is there to say
To convey
The emptiness
Leilani Dec 2016
I sift through grief
True affection denied
You have no sleeve
For your heart to reside

Ambitions pretentious
Your lies paper-thin
I know what's precious
Who you trying to win

The time you crave
Does not include me
Others' influence enslaved
And I, unworthy
Leilani Jan 2018
I’m in a perpetual state of punishment for a crime I had no knowledge of committing.

Your indifference is colder than any passionate exchange of anger. At least emotion, even negative, means you care.

Each encounter between us leaves one less piece of me, stealing what I thought was given willingly.

My heart no longer aches, just my eyes. Each disdain-filled word piercing through my corneas as if a car flashed its’ brights just around the corner of a hairpin turn.

Each time, more blinding than the last. Each time, I lose control of the wheel. The car spins out of control and I crash. Hard.

You just keep driving, unphased in the slightest. Par for the course. You’ve seen worse than the havoc I’m left in.

Is it comforting to you? How many crime scenes have you walked away from scot-free?

I finally understand. The blame falls to me. Even though this handiwork has your distinct signature; boy who gives zero ***** for anyone but himself.
Leilani Aug 2017
Haunted by rejection
Caged by your selfishness
Your forceful restraint of love
Knocking the air from my lungs
Without having to throw a single punch

Surrounded by star-kissed love
Reminding me of that which you refuse
That which I have refused myself
Why did I settle for this emptiness?

My heartbeat for you lessened
Each unanswered text, every forgotten call
No time made up for those tears
The loneliness that came, nothingness

Your crass words
Lightning to my gut
Crevasse-like holes you created in me
Never quite filled by drunken nights

Those words, assuming and pompous
As if you knew my heartache
Arrogant and pretentious
Downplaying the sound of my heart
Pretending you know me
Like you ever tried to know me

I was daring, courageous
Not circumventing vulnerability
Unrelentingly, unashamedly
Convinced
How worth it we are
How worth it I am

How dare you say
"Make love to me"
As if I haven't been trying this whole time
Every second I was with you
Yearning for that love in return

Your quiet rejection inflamed my heart
Creating in me a fire
Anger masked as butterflies
I thought "if only"
If only I try harder
Then
Then you will see
How beautiful it could be

Could have been
Leilani Dec 2016
These eyes, no longer my own
My heart changed its beat
A snake has a hold of my stomach
My body admits defeat

It's merely following suit
After all, the body trails the mind
Rage overtook that system
When my father decided to resign

You might think a job
I guess you would be right
Twenty-five years of marriage
Forsaken overnight

Now if you are uncertain
This was not foreseen
He was fairly content a man
Although a bit extreme

He had all he wanted
That was insufficient
So he went quietly searching
And one lie became malignant

As I reimagine the events
Not by choice or reason
I can't un-hear my mother
Her sobs weak, uneven

I struggle to relinquish
The semblance I have left
Of the life I knew just days ago
Before this unthinkable theft
Leilani Dec 2016
Tonight I talked with God
It had been quite some time

I really wasn't sure why
Then I realized the talks ended
When I began imagining my own end
Because why acknowledge the creator
If I thought his work was ****
I refused to commit  

I refused to talk to a God
That might hear my prayer
Something shallow
While souls are extinguished
Wars are waged on innocents
And their prayers sure as hell
Weren't heard

But Tonight I talked with God
I'd given up on waiting
On place-holder euphemisms
"God isn't surprised"
"This happened for a reason"
"You just need to pray more"
"God shuts a door...
"He'll open a window"
**** your window
The only reason that window exists
Is so people like me can jump
Right out of your life

Tonight I talked with God
I yelled
I screamed
I cried
And asked for reasons why
I said it was okay to be alone
If he would just get off his throne
Every once in a while
And meet me in this ******* pile
Of suffering that I find myself in
Leilani Dec 2016
What we did
Meant something
To me, not you
I get that

Now it's all
Said and done
All you care about?
Your ******* reputation

Can't have it get out
What you did to me
Nope
Can't have that

Even though you did it
Just as I did
No denying that
My bruises are proof

Have you no shame?
I guess you do
But it's directed at me
Not at you

Now it's all
Said and done
All you worry about?
Your ******* reputation
(Not going for style-points here. Just letting my anger out in a jumble of words that might possibly faintly resemble poetry.)

.
Leilani Jan 2018
I dial your number

My body responds - shunting all blood from extremities to my vital organs
Prepared for the threat that could occur at any moment

My toes run cold with every unanswered ring

Voicemail.

My fingers have gone numb
My heart doesn’t understand what to make of this

You pull me in close and push me away like a yo-yo you were never done playing with

Down
and
Up and




Down

Does the string never end?

I’m so far down now, the yo-yo must be in on the joke
Conditioned to a cycle of deep anxiety

Till every firework feels like it may be a bomb
Something meant for joy
Instead, an imminent threat

You of all people should understand why
I coward at the sign of a spark
You are a vet after all

I let the fireworks hit me, knowing full well it will hurt
And it does hurt. And you aren’t sorry.

I guess I’d hoped for better than cold hands and an empty heart.

— The End —