I am again...

Caught
              in the then and now.

Blind footfalls
              on the treadmill of life.

With a head
              filled with thoughts
              hands full of nothing
              and a heart full of porcelain.

i used to tell myself the same thing.
that maybe something was wrong with me.
that maybe love was enough for me but i was not.
i have imagined kisses a thousand times
i have dreamt of arms around my own
and i have written enough love stories for the entire world
and poems to fill books
and i questioned so much-
my beauty, my worth, my skin, my bones
and i traveled and walked away
from fear and self-doubt
towards bravery and courage,
towards knowing what i want and what i deserve
and i know love is something i cannot earn,
something that belongs to me as much as air,
that love is enough for me
and i am enough for it
and i am enough with or without it.

the time we spend in doing things
we think are necessary
with hindsight may appear like idle play
wasting a precious part of the allotment
we have been given on this earth

the problem is we do not know

and so we take the risk and muddle on
trying to do our best
hoping it will not be our worst

i want to memorize you
like a poem
sing to myself
the words of your bones to sleep
know your heart
by heart
and your voice
i want to keep it on the tip of my tongue
savor it
like a memory
i do not want to forget you

We often wonder why our hearts
get broken, and I think I am
beginning to understand why.

A tiny thing, so precious yet so
fragile, had to be undone before
it can be made whole again.

My guess is, in putting the pieces
back together;
we find strength in weakness.
We find courage in vulnerability.
We understand ourselves better.

And with what we lose,
we also gain more of ourselves.

You make me want to sip white wine
In the dim light
Listening to Frank Sinatra

Graceful dancing
Fainted laughing
The old sound of the victrola