Every night I wake from the same nightmare
Screaming ****** ******, flames echoing across the room.
Blink and I’m an infant, a 6 month-old cavity
In a crib crying rivulets of blood,
Drowning; sweat gushing in from all sides, boxed in like the pile of
ashes I still hallucinate about sometimes
(Would you rather burn or drown?)
Dean always chose to drown.
And in that twisted way he was his own man,
Always sky blue over jet black, but me; I
deserve to burn.
I guess it runs in the family.
Charred black: that’s my destiny. Hooked on IVs of
Liquid coal, onyx adorning my veins. In this (under)world
I
am
King.
My throne is carved out of fallen stars that
Couldn’t put themselves back together again. I sit on
Lipstick-stained skulls
(They have names, names that ring in the hollow of my
Heart, names that whisper;
Counting down the hands I’ve let loose, let go)
Its a tightrope of insanity that I’m tiptoeing on; teetering on the frayed
Edges between darkness and
Light
I cannot tell where I begin, where I end,
(is this all but a figment of my imagination?)
For Mom, Jess, Dean.
Dean
They are the cobwebs that still linger between my muddled mind,
Tethering me to a world of lies;
A world that has no place for a boy with a blinding smile and nightshade lips,
A boy who once dreamt of a love so good so pure
–but that was before–
Before I dug out the demons I’d thought I’d buried six feet under
the fireworks of that night on the 4th of July,
do you remember?
But that was the rose of my previous life,
Now all that are left
Are the thorns.

You say tell me everything
So I do. 
I tell you about how the sun rises and how it sets
And how the sea retreats from the shore after every wave
Grasping at the singular granules of sand
And not being able to hold on. 
I tell you about colourful dresses and sunsets and carnivals 
And of the deep sea fishes that have mastered the 
Art of becoming invisible 
BUT
But--
Underneath all this talk is hidden tension between us
Do you feel it too?
This small winged thing is hiding beneath layers and 
Layers of thick paint do you feel it too?

I haven't mentioned though, of the other things. 
They live under the paint too.
Along with the ravaged dreams and spoiled memories
They live off me, like parasites on a host. 
I am afraid. 
What will happen when they consume me?
What will happen to you?
 
So don't say tell me everything
Don't say nothing at all.
Pack your bags, go home, never see me again. 
And then make sure to take the splinters out of your back 
From that time I slammed you against the door.

She slays with her pen
Scarlet ink spurting out with every mighty swing
All around her the battle rages
Severed heads littering the snow white ground,
Staining the snow crimson
Beside her, two loyal beasts:
Alliteration and Metaphor
Snarling savagely by her side,
Hounds from the pit of hell
Her troops: the grammar nazis were the 
Elite of the elites: the crooked criminals didn't stand a chance.
And so, in a matter of minutes the war had been won
Silence, except for the drip drip of ebony blood
And the roaring of a distant thunderstorm.
She finally sheathed her sword, 
Her mark had been made.

From my ******* button eyes,
I have experienced the world.
The colours, threads that make up this fabric
One which can only be seen--and observed
From the corner of a room,
My corner,
The one under a piano, home to
Abandoned playthings and
Languishing crotchet notes, and staccatos.

From the corner of her bedroom
I watch her laugh, mouth agape,
Hacking out unintelligible sounds, and feel
Feel how the air rejoices at her mirth,
How it allows waves to travel--
Announcing her joy for all the world to share.
And I watch, watch her leak,
Leak her troubles, heartbreaks, hurricane of
Emotions
All into a puddle, tiny as it is.
Watch her face remain steadfast, strong even as
Inside, she dissolves, like white paper in acid.
Burning, burning...

And I experience all of her,
Her emotions, fiery temper, icy demeanor,
Warm hugs, cool attitude, everything,
Like the seasons of the earth.
With my ******* button eyes, I stare,
and I understand,
This entire world that has slowly been revealed to me,
The ball of yarn inside a person, waiting to be
Unravelled.

you are addicted to falling, which is to say
you exercise mind over matter, a grand reclamation
of flesh, is to say
you crave an escape from monochromity,
into monochromity
chase honesty into a corner
you howl out Death's name like you mean it.
is it too late? when your slippers grow cold but 
the memory of regret still lingers where it struck you mid-
air,  regret that wins when you lose yourself to
gravity's palm
so learn to look down-
learn to let go.
let ghost

The girl sits
Lonely in a corner
Blank empty space  in the
Classroom of laughter

The girl breathes
The tiniest movement of air
Invisible
To everyone but herself

The girl tries
Tries to laugh
But nothing comes out
From her cold empty heart

The girl stands
Mere ghost in the midst of mortals
As vacant as her existence
A ghost she felt inside

The girl staggers-
Broken body falling
Apart she goes
Never to be heard

She saw no stars,
no fiery orbs of heavenly light. 
She saw the twinkles in the sky,
glitter in the black pupils she knew of 
--shining shaded thoughts

She saw no moon,
no kind mister smiling silver.
She saw the faint crescent of a 
Shadowed smirk and raised brows
--she tried to forget

She saw no rainbows,
no bright colours, no *** of gold.
She saw how the sun loved 
the rain it was made to oppose, she saw
--a girl she used to know

She saw rivers but they were of tears,
And flowers but they wilted fast,
And fruits but all they did, was bind her to 
The hell that was her past.

She thought of how they all said:
It's okay, he can't get to you anymore, 
It's gonna be safe darling, he's not gonna escape,
You'll be fine, I promise. 
And she laughed a laugh that spoke of shattered promises and 
a scarred existence. 
They were wrong, she knew. 
He would never go away however much she bled, 
However much she sat on her bed and waited
For the darkness to come, but it never did.
So she bled--

Like how he had made her bleed once before.

Though the sun has fallen and
the birdsong drifts to sleep,
The stars have only just awoken.

In silent sorrow the willow weeps
Upon the thirsty ground
A rumble of thunder, Zeus starts to speak
The Earth drinks up the sound

She tilts her head up to the sky
A gentle caress of cheek
The sky splits open; a battle-cry
No more tears left to keep

Angelic sighs descend from above
Silver droplets from the heavens
They whisper and tell me of holy love
Of the Rose and the Dove

The rest seek not the storm’s embrace
But to the sky will I chase
To drown in cloud is my joy
Away from filthy human ploy

Leaves soar on wings of wind
Exultant as the bird
It whistles a song; a sweet violin
By mortals yet unheard

He paints a layer of hurricane grey
Above the spring-bud green
Wide brushstrokes of smoky display
An emptiness unseen

*Under the sky, and over the ground,
Silently, peacefully crawling, not making a sound
The children of the storm
The faery mists that hide my form
Reveal my heart, my soul
And allow my spirit to frolick as a blithe foal

I want to untangle this
Web of you all of
You your hooded eyes your
Pursed mouth your
Ebony Eyes that pull me in,
Shatter me like black holes. 
Untangle the web that you 
Have woven in my
Mind unconsciously and 
Im trapped 
Trapped
Tra-p-p-e-d
Flies in a spider
Web I'm cornered,
Helpless but do I really really 
Want to untangle you
I do but i dont i dont i dont
I dont i do dont i do Dont want to
Untangle me from you.
Me and you we're too 
Past gone to
Be saved, or is it just
Me and my fraying strings and 
What is left of my heart maybe 
Just maybe

Nursery
Blurred shapes, lines of
hazy memories.
Babbling and wailing and curiosity,
Why, why and whys, and kissing boys
And not caring how others
thought of you.
Bright-eyed smiles, hopeful

Kindergarten
Fun-filled days of
Tricycles and grass under my feet
And swinging and falling and
Getting up.
Of giggling and friends forever and
Most of all,
Innocence that know no bounds.

Primary
No more tolerating of
Un-done homework.
Punishments and ugly laughter
And friends who ditch you
No more chortles, guffaws,
Only eye bags and rumours
brought by knowledge.

Secondary
New chapter, new
Friends, new school,
new, new, new...
Balancing precariously on an
Angry horse,
Threatening to buck and
--send you careening--
over the edge...
What's new?

It took just one teeny tiny slip
The slip of a tongue
Oh
No.
Mocking laughs, eyebrows
Raised high
But not at you, oh no no,
It wasn't even yours to tell
But you had to, didn't you?
Hesitation, what should I do?
Laugh along, as you do, in your own
Special way , but not this time
Maybe it was the shimmering air
That seemed to whisper, graze your skin
Or maybe it was the way
Your smile ended at your cheek
You were always not that good of a liar anyway
I could always tell, and you knew it
Was that why you
Spun away from me, put on your mask.
The one I had thrown away
I wonder when you had picked it up.

In the end
It was your conscience that
Killed you, murdered you,
At least the part of you that I cared
To search for
The burning part of you that
Seared itself into my memory.
I didn't mind, no, really
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes
You didn't think so, always the perfectionist.
Lately I seem to be a friend of the devil
He told me about his precious gifts to me
And why they seemed to
Latch on to me, like leeches, like glue
Like me and you, before all this happened.
I don't mind, really.
Now you act like it's a
Daily masquerade
You can't keep hiding, I did find you,
Remember? Please... I need you
You think distance will heal? I don't understand.
I really don't. Don't understand why you closed
This door, the one we painstakingly carved
Together.
I miss you,
I really do.

To me, fear is the epitome of her,
Icy cold, blistering, scorching hot.
Indecisiveness, living in a
Nightmare.
Her hand, from which supported me
As I wobbled on my two feet,
That carried me when the world
Was out to get me.

Ironic,
How is has become a weapon,
Along with her mouth,
And I feel like dying...
Every second you are here,
Every sight of you makes me heart
Beat faster.
And I try not to think but I still think I cannot help it.

And the words that come out are from my deepest fears
"*******! Get lost you *******!
Get out and never come back! *******! You pig, you monster..."
And people will think I'm exaggerating, that it's no big deal.
But it is.
And I spend my nights wishing I could die,
Or at least sink into the ground, be buried alive.
Oh I bet she wouldn't notice anyway.

As now I sit in my locked bedroom,
Its half past 1am.
I want to be a filial daughter, return everything
Back to you.
I imagine that would be fun.
For me at least. But for now
I rejoice, I won't be yours anymore.

And this poem, I will
Keep secret, for fear
Of discovery.
For once, you won't own everything.