my eyes hurt all the time
like i've just been crying
i think i'm just tired
its hard to focus on what anyone is saying
nothing is satisfying me
what am i working towards?

i can't do anything except
listen to music and stare
at nothing

the things i used to be good at
are no longer my talents it seems
i've let things slip away
i mean look at this poem!
it's a ****** mess
no effort put into it
but you see i just can't right now
i'm all strung out
i don't really feel anything

its better
if i'm not completely
outwardly content
because
when my room is clean
my grades are good
i've finished applying to colleges
and i'm getting along
with everyone
then there is nothing left
that upsets me enough
but doesn't scare me badly

so

my mind gets left with too much time
on his meddling hands
and he starts creeping
around the backyard
and digging
up past tortures
to taunt me with

Today as I look upon the hues in the sky
like pinwheel art
flaring and burning out
slowly softer,
such a perfect light
complementary to all
it caresses
I am saddened
as I realize
my most treasured time of day
is the one closest to its end
forcing me to notice
how little time I have left
with its beauty
till the night comes

i'm walking home alone
the tide is high
i can smell the salty marsh
the light is enveloping but soft
a watercolor painting
descends upon me
golden hues of orange and pink
are hanging above

Today someone told me
i wouldn't get very far
because i love writing
not science
because i love literature
not mathematics
because i love using my mind to create
not replicate
i'm sorry
but these are the only things
pushing me to pull the covers
off my body every morning
so they will to have to be enough
i'm sorry for your closed mindedness
i'm sorry for your blindness
i hope that this disability of yours
has not stopped your dreams
and it sure as hell won't stop mine

dim
one small lamp
listening to dreams by fleetwood mac
instead
i let the music sprinkle light in my head
rays enter me like a transparent lens
my feet are moving but i didn't ask them
the rhythm has control of my muscles,
singing limbs
i'm an accepting hostage
strumming on the guitar
behind my eyelids
i could slide through life like this for years

i get obsessed with things
until they make me sick
i love too hard
worry too well

i do this with everything
music, people, ideas, school

you need to
calm down
let go
honey

don't take hold of things
and let them in
with such a serious grip

you're ok
nothing is ever as bad as it seems
just let the anxiety fade
forget the sour aftertaste
and realize there's good
in everything

(you can love and want things to pieces
without falling to them yourself)

these twisting, turning days
of confusion
suffocate me with an intensity
that i feel may someday
   destroy me