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Cheryl Tan Nov 2015
.
please take me
and just hold me
don't ask why
don't tell me
i'm hungry
for a perfection
this world demands
i'm broken
but as these bones
collapse
and as i remain
empty
running
from reflections
only i cannot accept
flawed in my eyes
just hold me
shaking soon
just tell me
i'm
beautiful

- c.t.
Cheryl Tan Nov 2015
You loved us.
And that was all.
Cheryl Tan Mar 2015
I'll live all your tomorrows you left behind;
I'll paint them golden and make them shine.
I'll carry you through, though it's hard to part;
For you now exist only in my heart.

But life's toughest journeys were always meant for two,
And I'm blessed to have traversed this one with you.
And though you leave me now, our path goes on;
So I'll be strong for you, and I'll carry you on.

-c.t.
{I'd like to imagine there are holes in Heaven's floor so you can look down once in a while, and one day hopefully, be proud of who I'll be.} {17yearsoflovefromyou} {thank you.}
Cheryl Tan Nov 2015
through the woods
and shadowed trees
you run.

through the fear
and through the night
you run.

but darling,
denial is a funny thing.
you say you want to heal
but every cure
begins with the will
to know
to see

to feel.

- c.t.
you can't run forever.
you know that.
i know that.
Cheryl Tan Apr 2015
do you remember our little corridor
that blackish floor between two and three
where dreams were made and staged and broken
where we were free and still made eleven

your voice echoes along three black walls
and your laughter, along the green
i still remember what you said about your sister
and how i held you as you cried with me

it's three months over, but i see you still
dancing through a building in the sky
i hope you're smiling, where you are
free from the dark stage you chose to leave behind

it's funny how it all comes back in waves
maybe you miss it too - all the fun
maybe you're up there, smiling down
maybe you're somewhere, saluting the sun

and when my turn comes, i'll look for you
in another space unscathed by time
i'll embrace you tight in a fresnel light
and softly sing you lullabies

but for now,
i'll just keep going on
i'll keep you where time cannot erase you
and where no one can ever hurt or break you:
i'll keep you in our little corridor
the blackish floor between two and three
where dreams were made and staged and broken
where we were free; where we'll always make eleven.

-c.t.
For the ten of you: Jimmy, Dougie, Deanie, Normal, Mel, Phoebe, Charles' crazy wife, Trudy, Sunshine's guardian, and..of course, Suspicious Moon.

It's a different kind of pain - the kind that never goes away, and I begin to realise that nobody really will understand unless they experience it for themselves. So we'll hold on to each other until our turn comes. And when it does, when we finally make eleven again, it'll finally be okay.
Cheryl Tan Sep 2015
She loved to play with fireflies,
For short their time was, here.
Who knew one day the firefly
Held dead would, memories smear?

For fireflies, their lives are short,
And yet the light they give
Is set in stone in children's dreams;
In hearts touched to believe.

And all you did, and all you said
Still rings true in our ears;
In hearts you touched, my tears you hold-
Tells the world that you were here.

For as stars shine brightest before death,
Some lights may burn too bright;
Too bright to last, too bright to stay:
Too bright a light away.
"And the hearts that I've touched will be the proof that I leave: I has here."
- I Was Here by Beyonce.

dearest s,
you still come back to me in flashes,
all too painful to endure
.
but still i'll hold to you and your memory
until we meet again like before
.
Cheryl Tan Jun 2015
I know you're sitting there now-
Close by, at his bedside;
In that white hospital room,
Watching the ebbing distance in his eyes.
He's in a state of drifting, floating,
Here one moment, gone another,
And sometimes you wonder where
He floats to in subconsious slumber.

And from months of running;
Chasing currents of flowing streams,
You heavy heart grows weary
Listening to his slowing heart beat.
You've been holding on so long,
But now you watch him slip away:
Like water out of your palm;
Like light at the dusk of day.

Of all of a father's love outpoured,
I pray you'll hold on to his memory,
As the arms of life's oceans pull him in:
Out of your arms, out of your reach.

-c.t.
For L.R.. I've been there before too - that place where the divide between life and death seems a mere veil, a mere threshold of a doorway. And I know the strength you must summon to go on when you've been left behind is immense, but hang on, because that's what he'd want of you too. Let your heart take time to heal, as the thief of Time, life, it steals.
Cheryl Tan Oct 2015
But darling you know it lies -
Scales and markings around;
Maybe one day it won't matter
As much as it does right now.
So chin up, heart on your sleeve;
For now, just
let go,
let God,
let live.

- c.t.
Cheryl Tan Nov 2015
your words cut
deeper than i will ever let you see
but i know you don't mean
to hurt me or lose me.
and as my voice i stifle
afraid of burdens unborn
your voice, a chime unearthing
demons i thought long gone.

and once more
i cannot tell you
i cannot trust me
i cannot admit
the pain, the hurt, the fear
so for now, i guess
i'll just be
here.
just here.
Cheryl Tan Dec 2015
The soul that yearns perfection
Amidst numbness and the pain
A broken vessel reaching
For love and light again

These bones are breaking fast
And I am bursting at the seams
These voices will not leave me be
And my hollow heart still screams

Emptiness transcends the physical
Maybe that's why my plate's full at times
For what no food or drink can satisfy
Maybe my hunger's a different kind

- c.t.
Cheryl Tan Mar 2015
Little Emily,
Don't leave the place where the sidewalk ends:
Where white daisies bask in the sun;
(Circle, and circle, and circle.)
Before the winding, winding road begins
Where paper dolls with dreamers, run.

Stay on the sidewalk, Emily, don't step too far:
Ignore granny's piercing screams,
(They circle, and circle, and circle so loud.)
And mummy's moonlit tears that drown,
While broken rhymes you softly sing.

All you know is a face in gilded frames
Kept still in perpetual bliss;
(Circle, and circle, and circle, it goes.)
With whom you share the same eyes and face;
Whose life before yours is now yours to live.

The road ahead bends into a roundabout,
And repeats endlessly, the story of that man
(Circle, and circle, and circle.)
Who left the world too soon to see his little girl grow up;
Whose road ended where yours began.

A few years more and you'll start to ask,
"Why does the sidewalk end?"
(Circle, and circle.)
For on the roundabout, no daisies grow:
It just circles, ends, begins.

10 years later, and still she knows,
That place where the sidewalk ends,
But the daisies died in the crimson sun,
(Circle.)
And you step onto the road, where the chase begins:
So run now, little Emily,
Run.

-c.t.
{I don't ever want to know
What lies beyond where the sidewalk ends.}

This poem was inspired by Shel Silverstein's 'Where The Sidewalk Ends', one of my favourite poems, and by '****', CJC's current theatre production.
Cheryl Tan Oct 2015
She wrote your name on her paper heart
Swore to hold you close
But you could not see fragility
Under blue skies, rain, or smoke
And just like that she tried to hide
The rip, the tear, the pain
Your gushing river tore her apart
Like papered artwork in the rain.

- c.t.
.
Cheryl Tan Nov 2015
She was
A dreamer, with wings on her back
A singer, voice like honey in your ear
An actress, all the world was her stage
So many futures, and all of them hers,
but


She was.


- c.t.
I still miss you.
Cheryl Tan Nov 2015
you know what matters
is not the skin, but the heart
you know you've fallen in deep
and now you're falling apart
you've ever only seen skin-deep

but skin is all you have.

grasping at perfection
but the more you run it runs deeper
as you fear your reflection
and as this skin wraps these bones
and your heart struggles a beat
as you never find your happiness
emptiness swallows heaps
it's the weight that weighs you down again
and you've started to measure up
counting ways to perfection

but you're drowning in a cup

and it will take you nowhere
but these voices never leave
and you follow, engulfed

but you've ever only seen skin-deep

- c.t.
Cheryl Tan Apr 2015
We are all but stars still searching
The constellations of our souls
Seeking who we are and who we should be
Watching, as our galaxies unfold

Though change bursts constant through this light
Where two fearful broken hearts collide
Ethereal wonders light the universe
When the stars are you and I.

-c.t.
We're still searching for ourselves amidst the edge of chaos, and while we both know certainty and  broken insecurity rarely collide well... maybe, just maybe, this is the start of something new.
Cheryl Tan Apr 2015
{a Good Friday special}

On that day, through His tears and pain,
When love ran red through sin and shame,
Heaven stirred as He cried, "Forgive.";
Born to die so that Man may live.

The angels had sung when the waves obeyed,
When the water turned wine, and fishers of men He made.
The angels had praised, when He healed the sick,
And spoke of love so pure and free.

But when that love was made manifest
In His victory cry as He hung His head;
When they saw the Savior die for Man,
The angels were silent, as His love ran.

For is it possible, that a King would die
For a people of sin, and shame, and lies?
And when You took our place on the tree,
Your relentless love had set us free.

The Heavens opened, and rain fell down
As the angels cried, and man's sins drowned;
And through these ages of sin and shame,
Pour red showers of mercy and grace;
So today I come before you, Lord,
My life at Your feet, at the foot of the cross.

-c.t.
So I now learn to love,
For He loved me first.
Cheryl Tan May 2015
A bird flies free across the brook;
From springs of life it sips.
It paints its name across the skies;
Beyond the clouds it dreams.

On the ground in a small cage,
Is another, sitting still.
With eyes raised, its longing stirs
For a life confinement kills.

Yes, oft I wonder why free birds
Do not echo songs as loud:
As birds sitting within bars-
Their songs stir sleep about.

The seasons change, we learn with time
From people met and crossroads walked;
And with every newfound sigh,
Are whom that hear and whom do not.

I know now why the caged bird sings
As the world dreams at night:
'Tis the song of hope and dreams
That sparks its song inside.

For when from ash caged birds rise,
And when their wings they finally spread,
Each sacred savour of wind beneath
Is sweetest honey in most cherished *****.

And upon its journeys it listens still:
For only they can understand
What cries all free birds fail to hear
And frees those caged once like them.

-c.t.
In all this pain, lies, and darkness,
my prayer for you is this:
That you'll see why some have the hard fight,
and why for some, life's bliss.
For in that darkness will arise
a phoenix from the ashes;
I've been there too, I know the pain -
so just hold on to hope, please.

My personal reflection- inspired by Maya Angelou's 'I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings'.
Cheryl Tan Oct 2015
At dawn I stood upon the shore
Of pirates' gold and sailors' bells;
The silent waves to me did call -
A tragic tale the ocean tells:

Her love set sail by light of moon
And adieu bade he goodbye in tears.
She promised love, and he, return,
Raising sails flown four thousand years.

Into the moon, her love sailed on,
Both trapped in the hour of part.
At dark descent her soul was torn
By visions of unbeating hearts.

A trimster lapsed, Hermia returned;
Her crew moored with strangled cries -
For in tempests' wrath their captain downed;
To quiet depths evermore confined.

Her shattered soul, anchored with grief,
Witheld by curse of lovers' cares,
Stood still on high rocks at dusk,
Plunging down into despair.

Remember the hour their hearts froze,
Gripped by fear of Love's own berth;
In watery graves their souls abide,
Bound by Love's eternal curse.

- c.t.
A piece I wrote two years back. :)
Always been fascinated by tales of sailors on the high seas: the stories they lived to tell, and those that in seas still do dwell.
Cheryl Tan Mar 2015
doorbell, 2a.m.,
she stands there in the cold.
wrapped in a dark grey jacket,
and pain and a dying hope.
he opens up, lets her in.
the fire's warmth feels cold.
she starts crying knowing he'll
never love her again if he knew.

if he knew her darkest secrets
kept vaulted from the world;
all the things that she's ashamed of
that incarcerate her soul.
if he knew she knew she was wrong,
yet in weakness carried on,
how could he love her still?
where would that love come from?

but he opens her heart like a letter,
and reads it inside out.
then, in silent darkness holds her,
until no more tears streak down.
"i've loved you from the beginning,"
he says, and lifts a ***** silver plate.
he wipes it with his white t-shirt,
and with it clean, she sees her face.
"i love everything about you
amidst the mistakes you made
and now i know all that you've done
i love you more, i do," he says.
"i'll wipe all your ***** silver plates;
all the heartbreaks and the shame."
she smiles now, she understands:
she's white as snow, she's not the same.

he sees her to the door now,
as the midnight snow falls down.
he's wiped the darkness off her;
she knows where love comes from.
the snow does not feel cold now;
the cold was from her soul.
"go now," he says, "and when you fall,
you can always
come back
home."

-c.t.
{{as far as the east is from the west}}

thank you.
Cheryl Tan Apr 2015
Yes, darling, maybe now you can see
That I am not all I seem to be
Beneath the innocent laughter displayed
Is a girl brought to her knees in the fray

And in the closet, skeletons scream
As ghosts of my past jump out at me
Yes, everyone left when they saw the dark
There are just too many scars left on my heart

It's only been weeks, but i hope you'll stay
Even after you have seen the fray
Please darling, don't you leave
But I won't blame you,
because nobody could take it, you see.
Every scar is a lesson learnt; it makes you who you are and gives you strength.

{{Yes, I'm scared to tell you, because the ghosts of my past have scared so many away. My story's not complete yet, but I'm scared to go on, because I just hope you won't run away like them, afraid of the mess I am.}}
Cheryl Tan Apr 2015
{Good Friday special} ❤

with the rain pouring down, i come
in a white dress stained with sin and shame
with the rain falling down, i bow
at the foot of the cross, at the sound of His name

on the tree of suffering and shame
He took that place where i should have lain
cried out in unrelenting love
from Calvary's cross to the skies up above

with the rain pouring down, He saw
tempations, trials, but through it all
was an unmatched love for us who thirst
i now learn to love, for He loved me first

with the rain pouring down, i look up
at crimson promises bought with His blood
as i dance to the shower of a King who reigns
i sing, i smile, for i am washed white again

-c.t.
Blessed beyond belief. ❤
Cheryl Tan Jan 2016
Would you hold it against me
If i said there's nothing found
That i'll lay here and watch my dreams
Embers, falling to the ground

Would you hold it against me
If i had no strength to fight
And as tomorrow brings the war
Still, no tears escape my eyes

Would you fault it for its being
A doughnut on the shelf
Would you shun it's hollowness inside
It still tries to make its sweetness felt

For there are some that rake for dreams
With disparity in the dead of night
And others whose voracity
The world feared and extinguished light

- c.t.
Cheryl Tan Nov 2015
Wrap me up
In your arms
In your love
In your life

Wrap me up
From the pain
From the fear
From the lies

Wrap me up
Hold me close
Keep me safe
Wrap me up.
Never felt safer from the rest of the world than i did lying wrapped in your arms.
Cheryl Tan Mar 2015
You are
Not defined by a number
On a scale or on a card.
Not the likes on social media,
Nor what the world thinks you are.

You are
The pain in all your teardrops,
The laugh in every smile.
The times you failed but tried again,
The hope in every sigh.
You're found
In people whom you love,
And the ones who love you too.
In memories you hold so close-
In light, in love, and truth.
There's you
In that which you call home,
Where home embraces you;
Where you store your hopes and dreams,
And pain and sorrow too.
There's you
In all that you regret,
In the shame you hide away;
But remember that all that has
Made you who you are today.

I've found
This world has one huge flaw:
It speaks lies, proclaiming truth;
It's poisoned you to think that you
Can be measured, made, and used.

So darling I pray you'll see today:
True beauty lies within.
Don't let yourself define you by
Numbers or cuts on your skin.

You are
More than my words can ever say;
There's so much to a heart
More than the world will understand-
There's more to who
You are.

-c.t.
{i wish you could see how beautiful you are to me}

So smile. Because all that you are is all that's enough.
Cheryl Tan Mar 2015
she played all day with butterflies
she danced her heart out In the breeze
she laughed as the world passed her by
she ran in glades of hope and dreams

aT least, that's what we thought of her
at leaSt, that's whaT she showed
in lIght, she masqueraded truth
in darkness, she shivered in the cold

incarcerated to a world of Lies
snubbed her Light and all Her dreams
veiled in dArkness, she never saw
the light beyond, the love so free

what i'd do to bring her back
just to have her here again
lUnchbox, coke, griN on her face
broke all the rules, drove me insane

she'll never know how beauTiful
i thought she was - her wit and heart
yes, she brought our group to life,
alwayS there to hear me out

she never loved herself enough
it was a dark cloud, she said
it followed her around, hunted her down
but when we saw, it was too late

i guess some hurts don't heal that easy
i guess soMe pain never fades
i never guessed what we laughed about
was something that would takE her away

she played all day with butterflies
she danced her heart out in the breeze
but the butterflies soon fell to dust;
she fell from hope and broken dreams.

-c.t.
It's been two months since. And here I am wishing I could have frozen time to hold you once more before you fell. Here I am wondering who you'd be today. I still ask myself why, but I know I'll never know. And that has to be okay with me, somehow.

— The End —