her softly rounded face is defined by lustrous black silky hair that is covered with white silver hair, and light wrinkles encircle rose-tinged lips and calm black eyes. clothed in a yellow flowered daster that matched the blossoming flowers around her garden she matched in perfectly. her presence, brings out blossoms.

her voice, which is soft but unwavering, has had a significant impact on my existence. when i was young, my hobbies were drawing and painting. when i went to see her, i always got excited to show her my latest masterpiece. she would compliment my amateur stick figure portraits and paintings as if i were the next van gogh while staring into my eyes thoughtfully and patting my head. after that, we would make my favorite dish for our noon meal together. the aroma of the food causes me to experience strong sensations of being hungry. her way of preparing food is delicate, much like the way she loved and cared for me.

her skin has become more wrinkled and her form has become more stooped as the years have gone by. her hair has become even more white. even i have been changed. i don't like arts as much like i did before. despite this, my adoration for my grandmother's timeless voice has not diminished through the years.

her wellbeing has been tested over the past few months by challenges that cannot be avoided. my fear stems from not knowing what will happen in the future. as we fast forward several years or months from now, will there come a point when she no longer recognizes me? or, what's even worse, her own name?

as i sit here in my memory garden of happy times, i can't help but wish i could wake up to the sound of her voice. these days, i find myself aching for her presence more than ever. that's how barren everything in my life appears right now. i hope i can tell her that i don't believe the old cliche that "time heals all wounds" since i’ve felt the same sorrow for far too long to believe that. i can't stop thinking about her, and it hurts to cry every single day. there has been a lot of change in my life, exactly how much effort should be made is beyond my grasp.

the enticing scent of her perfume has become less prominent over time. i am well aware that one of the most heartbreaking parts of moving on with life after a grief is that, as time passes, memories start to fade, such as the sound of her voice, the fragrance of her clothes, or the feeling of her arms wrapped around me. and do you know what's even more worst than that? it's the feeling of missing her voice, but at the same time it's the voice that i just couldn't seem to remember at all.

there is a young lady who, in most scenarios, exudes an air of elegance. her eyes are as brilliant as a star in the sky. she possesses the power, grace, and boldness that one would adore. she is a woman who never lets someone down and who doesn't perceive wrongdoing. her magnificence radiates within and pours outward like an adventure along a lengthy path. her dazzling smile illuminates the room as brightly as the sun breaking over the horizon, and it comes as no surprise that she is also very wise and works very hard. she is the kind of woman who would go out of her way to help someone who is struggling yet despite all of the effort she puts forth, no one ever sees her crack under the strain.
however, people will eventually become exhausted. people typically stop being the same person they were before they reached their limits since, after a certain point, they are needed to be tired. when people reach their limits, they tend to stop being the person who they were before.

...and that ended up being the case with her. that nothing, not even sleep, can solve her exhaustion, and that everything around her seemed to be pointless. she is tired of the noise of her sorrows, tired of always facing her fears, and tired of struggling with obstacles that continue to return in her life. she is worn out from squandering her days in a state of hopelessness, from having words stab her heart like sharp spears, and from leading a life that is nothing but a constant source of misery. she is dead beat of pretending that she does not care when, on the inside, she does care; she is tired of being imprisoned in unhealthy relationships and environments; she is fed up with hypocrisy and lies in a room full of fakes and shells. she is drained out from fighting against failure, putting up a show, and continuing to believe against all odds.

she's merely gotten weary of being so downcast. she genuinely wants someone to come and save her from her pain, but she can't even help herself from grief. and again, the whole world is neglecting her cries for help. now, tell me, how can she possibly be saved if the world is unable to protect her from enduring agony?

the world is such a harsh place.

...isn't it?

when i thought of love, my grandmother was the first person who popped into my head. there are so many moments from the past that i wish i could rewind again. throughout my childhood, my mother would typically take me to visit my grandmother when we were on summer vacations. these holidays were all about the unconditional love, the aroma of freshly cooked food that causes my mouth to water, and the joy of enjoying time with one another alongside the enticing scent of flowers dancing with the wind under the sun. and how could i ever forget the delicious chocolate chip cookies that my grandma would give me along with a steaming mug of milk when i was a kid? that could be impossible! the heavenly taste of those cookies, which i am reminded, were always prepared from scratch, is still very vivid in my mind.

her life was a rich tapestry, and love was her important thread that linked it all together. her smile and touch are like a ray of sunlight; she does everything with love, which is what makes the difference in my life and makes it worth living. when i needed someone to depend on and my eyes were welling up with tears, i had her to count on, and she would drive me away from my fears. despite all i'd done something bad, she was my brilliant sun, softly comforting me when i couldn't see the light.

as a consequence of the way that nothing in this world is permanent; everything is constantly changing. the once-clear blue sky has turned a somber gray. when she was taken by the angels from above, there were no more tales to tell. the memories of her smile, her warmth, and her love— it was all that mattered in the long run collapsed like a butterfly on the ground. when you lose someone, it feels like an attack. nothing can stop that person from disappearing in a heartbeat, no matter how hard you try to hang on. regardless of how desperately you try to hold them, they'll leave if they choose to go.

can you imagine a pain that was so buried within you? you can't conceive what it's like to feel something so deep inside. because whatever you do, you can only be wounded when they go. it is impossible to convey my misery on a plain paper using words that can be written down. the stabbing torment that extends from the soles of my feet all the way to the peak of the ceiling; that is the agony i am experiencing— the inability to think and act right.

i was lost.

every day, i'm confronted with hurdles that don't appear to melt away. i needed to be strong for the other people. i want to scream and cry but i feel like no one can see the emptiness of my soul. i kept on clinging on you to keep me sane yet thinking about us makes me feel terrible; i want to shut myself away and grieve alone. but the fact that you were beside me is what keeps me from going sane.

the memories of our time together are kept in a box. there are the butterflies i had when you were close to me, and now they are trapped in a cage of melancholy and guarded by a tear. you held my hand with such softness while we watched the sky all night. but still i sense there's something in your gaze. if you could only see, the way you tell me you love me and that we are meant to be together is gradually crushing every part of me. despite i may sometimes say or do hurtful things to you, know that i've loved you in every part of me. i put a lot of care into hoping that you are are always aware of how much your presence in my life means to me and how much of a difference it makes.

even when i am trying to protect you from getting hurt and act sanely, i still make mistakes. i want you to know how much i cherish and adore you because nothing else in my life compares to the feeling of being loved by you. saying goodbye isn't easy; there is a slew of unanswered questions. our love was pure and blissful for us at the time, and i can still remember our first kiss. everything, though, came crashing down in an instant. letting go is something i fight against with, but it's the only cure i've found for this disease—

to spare you from the pain and
to prevent the death of my heart.

do not let yourself fall in love with someone who is similar to me. for someone like myself will kiss you at all of the most beautiful places in the world, just like art galleries, beaches, and sanctuaries, because then you will never be able to visit such places again without having the taste of blood lingering in your lips.

do not let yourself fall in love with someone who is similar to me. if it takes remembering your name among the lonesome souls, i would forget my own if it means remembering yours. i will make you believe that storms are peaceful and that suffering is a pleasure. you will be swept away by the yearning in craving over something that is consistently reaching but never ready to hold you.

do not let yourself fall in love with someone who is similar to me. with someone who are reminiscent like me, i will wreck your home and hurl apologies at you, which will break apart on the floor and hurt you when you walk on them. i will come to fret about having loved you so passionately. i will always be regretful that i gave it my all without stopping to consider that i was becoming increasingly hurting so bad and exhausted. i will always be sorry that i let myself be fooled by the illusion of your love.

do not let yourself fall in love with someone that obviously acts like me—loves like me for the reason that they are all ghosts from the pieces you broke in me. keeping your safe distance from someone like me is not something you should consider doing. people like me are time bombs; when my mission is complete, i will spatter sorrow all over your walls in violent hues that would let you regret your door had never known my name. i'll never master the art of being gentle. despite the weight of our shared history, i would not be flushed away by the chapter of our repressed memories. you will never be free of the shadows you left behind. and the ghosts will forever haunt you.

humans will always find a way to end things and leave.
we always do.

and when i am gone, you will fully understand
the reason why storms are named after humans.

title: criesofashatteredheart.pdf
file size: 143 kb
date modified: 28/06/2022

introduction:

the idea of love lingers on my running maze of thoughts. the concept of my love is comparable to music that is exquisitely performed while staying in perfect harmony. but love itself is not perfect the way it is. my feelings for someone come and go like the tide. but at the very least, it's not lovely whitecaps dancing on my feet when i least expect them. they emerge to cause chaos just when life has a way of appearing to be a calm stream of consistency. they drag me under with such power that i feel like i'm going to drown all over again, to the point that i can't even take a breath in between endeavors.

methods:

he appeared in my life suddenly and unexpectedly, like a warm summer wind. in a single moment, my heart was captivated from my chest in a split second, and i was unable to stand. when he'd look me in the eyes and say the words i'd been waiting to hear my entire life, he appeared so honest. the things he'd say to me were so heartfelt and genuine as he looked into my face and spoke from the depths of his heart.

never in my wildest dreams did i imagine that i would be able to experience what he showed me. little did i know i’d expect the most unforeseen events in my life. in your absence, i was left to fend for myself on the edge of the universe. i'm on my own in the vastness of space because you deserted me. in between what i've buried and what i loathe is the emptiness, and it rang true. forever and always, a constant and ever-present reflection that there is no one else to trust and follow.

results and discussions:

you took everything you could get away with, but you were kind enough to leave the suffering behind. it is shameful of you to attempt to make amends for me as if i didn't have enough to deal with already. a roaring storm is howling here, and it continues to be there, raging deep within my head that refuses to subside. the very least you can do is let it be.

now i can now cut you as deeply as you have wounded me. i am tormented by the treachery of knowing the truth and never escaping the past. you took me up in the air, then let me fall to my knees and scream. yet i yearn to blossom like the sunflower even when the sunlight passes more dimly than the uncertainty of the promise of love. the dilemma of instruments may be found with thy beauty, and the betrayal of melody can be watch in the eyes when seen through incense. hence, that is the deception performed by the heart.

at some time in the far future, you will find yourselves wishing to the heavens that you had never turned away in our own little corner of the universe.

after all, it's the nature of love, and it crushes my heart that it had to stop before it could begin.

habang naglalakad ako sa lupain ng mga sirang pangarap, mayroon akong pangitain sa napakaraming bagay. ang mga paghihinagpis tila baga'y tumutulong upang madagdagan ang aking pasan sa mundo. aking napagtanto na ang kaligayahan ay isang kalinlangan lamang. sa aking pagkalumbay at pakiramdam ng disorientasyon, buong buhay ko'y nabuhay sa takot. ang mundo'y pinamumunuan ng mga batas ng poot na matatagpuan sa iba't ibang dako. kaya naman ay ang mga nakararanas ng dalisay na kaligayahan ay isang hindi pangkaraniwang pangyayari.

sa bawat araw ng aking paghihirap, umaasang makakaahon sa ilang butil ng kasaklaman ngunit sa kaibuturan ko, wala akong ibang makikita kungdi ang kasuklaman ng buhay. patuloy akong naglalakad sa mga anino upang maghanap ng liwanag ngunit aking napagtanto'y malinaw kong nakikita na wala nang ibang paraan upang makalabas pa sa suliraning ito.

sa aking buong pagkabuhay, dala-dala ko ang mga basag na pag-asa't mga tipak na salamin. ang tanging sinag ng araw ang natitirang kislap ng aking mga masidhing lunggati sa rurok ng tagumpay. kung iyong titignan ang marikit na lilim ng gintong apoy na nagngangalit sa kanluran, ito ay ang aking mga minimithi na nakalilim sa puwang ng kalangitang asul. nais kong lumipad nang malaya tulad ng isang ibon sa kalawakan. sa mga kislap ng mga tala'y nakatingin, hinihiling na sana ang panagimpan ko'y dinggin. lahat ng iya'y hindi makakamtan sapagkat ako'y isang hamak na bata lamang na nangangarap ng imposible. pinapanood malunod ang aking sariling mundo mula sa aking bintana'y natatanto, mga pangarap ko'y dahan-dahang inaanod.
sa araw-araw na aking paglalakbay sa mga repleksyon ng kadiliman, isa lang ang aking katanungan, isang ilusyon lamang ba ang kapayapaang aking matagal nang inaasam?

i am someone's story. in one person's tale, i am the girl who plays the role of the comic relief. the one who makes people laugh and smile, as well as providing humor. in one another person’s storyline, i am the main lead, bringing to life all of those desired characteristics. in another's eyes, i may be the wise sage who gives guidance at critical stages in their lives. however, when i stop to think about it, i find that i am the antagonist in someone else's plot. the bad guy, to be precise. and no matter how hard i try to change my ways, the reality is that i am who i am to them, and in certain situations, there is nothing i can do to change it. in their book of life, i am the arrogant evil villain.

but then you came. everything changed when you walked into my life out of nowhere. you appeared in my life like a shooting star and filled my heart with bliss. and i've never felt safer or vibrant than i do when i'm around you. not once in my life have i felt so alive. it seemed as if you were unveiling new layers of greatness to me with each passing moment. i've never seen that much gentleness in a lone soul before. in the shadows, you were gently carving out a space for yourself in my heart without me even realizing it.

you embraced my grief as if it were your own and showed me love as no one else ever could. everytime i felt like i was on the verge of falling, you stayed with me. when i was weak, you were my pillar of support. when i needed someone to weep on, you were there for me. because of your smile, i was able to make my existence on this planet worthwhile. for a long time, it seemed impossible to feel so connected to someone. however, it is quite simple to feel intertwined with you. i can't tell you how good it makes me feel. i've began to realize that i had no idea what it felt like to be truly loved until i met you.