These days...

Are you sitting alone in the quiet and cold
or surrounded by friends with your colors and smoke
Are you thinking of me as you fall back to sleep
Or grinningly praising the silence and peace

Is your love still the same
Are you glad that I'm gone
Do you miss me at all
Are you happy alone?

Yeah
These days...

I knew that I cared more
****, probably too much
but now I can't eat or find joy in the comfort
of knowing you're finally happy - you're free
But did it really take you not talking to me?

God, just tell me straight
Did you want me to stay? Please...
know I'm around
Are we better this way

...these days

You're still my everything
Yeah, that'll never change
But I need commitment and love
not these tears you're proud of
You say you're a man; are you happy again?
Well, ****.

I still see you and Zuri,
I still miss my lover,
but I need security the way you need me not to hover.
I want peace and partnership
You want casual relationships
We both can't win
and we're fighting again

These days...

I get it now
I really do see
Insouciance doesn't make you worse than me
and being so invested doesn't make me right.
We want different things -
is this worth the fight?

And one day I hope you will want to be mine
But you need some space
and I need some time
to forget your ambivalent shove toward shame
and the way that it hurt you to call out my name.

But I am still here
Your pain is still mine
and though I know love tends to fade over time
I swear that mine won't
One day you will see
One day you'll remember

And it will still be
...these days.

You hate when I stare--
Those long, unwavering looks that let me feel like I’m touching your soul,
they’re my favorites.
But you don’t get it…
Don’t get that I’m marveling at you
Your words, your mind, your gestures,
The way your lips melt into your cheeks
and your eyelashes curl so far they touch your skin,
or how your entire face softens when you smile.
I’m memorizing you:
Line by nose,
curve by smile.

I stare because I want to hold your waist,
to touch your arm,
to feel your hand around my shoulder.
I stare because I’m dying.

What is it now?
Is my love too strong?
Do I expect too much?
Have you forgotten about me again?
It feels that way…

As I crave the warmth of your remembrance
someone else has caught your smile
and I have slipped your mind.
It’s understandable, really—
Or can I be so understanding?

You are it for me.

I wake from dreams about you only to curl into the cool, crisp spot where you should be lying in my bed.
I eat breakfast and wonder what you’re doing;
I listen to music to ponder how you feel.
When I’m upset yours is the first number I want to call
and my delight is yours to share.

You have the power to move and remove me
because I will always fall into you and yours.
There is so much to say…
But sometimes I just stare;
I stare because I’m dying.

It's vicious.
He spits honey-coated excuses
Just as I misplace forgiveness
Sliding under him,
Rising over me
As snowflakes fall outside this Brooklyn brownstone of mistakes.

But these pebbled streets
and long-forgotten sidewalks,
crossed daily by hundreds
...they soften everything.

It's beautiful and tragic
as I remember nothing and everything
If only for some time,
if only in this place.

This crack in the sidewalk, his hand in mine
That tree with the branch that hangs too low...
his eyes
a smile
true love.

This is where I come to forget.

Confetti,
paused to shimmer in the broken sunlight.
And all I thought was of you.

I’m incoherent?
Well you listen closely:

The world spun past me while my heavy heart reduced all within my grasp, my vision to slow motion
and I stood with my palms outstretched, fingers curled as if holding onto the solace of sanity
The solace of you
The solace of clarity

But what if I’m gone tomorrow, now, baby?
How can you still love me the same?
I need a chance and you need to move on
I know that you’re weak and my body’s to blame

Just give me a moment, a reason to hold on
Let us not abandon this pain
Cause you and I, it’s the good kind, baby
We’re better than this
We’ll make it go away

Can I tell you something?
Something real, something deep—
You make life worth living
Without you I’m lost
and this may be the deepest part of the dark

But I’ll be yours forever, baby
Only as far as forever takes me

I changed my sheets today -
the ones that smelled like your cologne...
Actually, "tore them from my bed with the ferocity of Midas" may be more appropriate.
Because I couldn't stand to spend one more night pretending as if you were here -
or as if you were ever coming back.

I washed that shirt you wore
You know, my favorite one.
The same one I've slept in every night since you left
just praying to find some morsel of solace
to delay the impending insanity of sleep deprivation.
But just because I could smell you
didn't mean you were there...didn't mean you were real
and I almost started to wonder if you'd been here at all.

I didn't eat today
or the day before that, if I'm being honest.
Food has no taste, no pleasure
without you at the table, fork and knife in hand
ready to devour it - and me.

I went for a walk today
down the street to our favorite spot
and I didn't spend my time wishing you had your arm around me
or wishing you were holding my hand
or wishing that your warmth was pressed against me to help tame the goosebumps.
Or at least I tried not to.
But who am I kidding?

I met someone new today.
He smiled at me and said something forgettable..
then asked me to go to dinner with him next week
and there's nothing I'd like more than to say yes
but still...

After all this time
I know it's your face I would see staring back at me across that table
and your body I would wish for
lying next to me in bed.

It's days like today
when the sun is shining and the wind blows just a little
that I can't seem to get you out of my head.
But then again, I wouldn't stop thinking about you even if I could.

Yeah, it's definitely days like today
that make me remember our walk in the park...
how we sat there for hours
because we had nothing better to do than to get lost in each other's thoughts.

And as we ran back to our apartment
to become a tangle of legs and lips
you stopped me to kiss my forehead
and whisper,"This is perfect."

Yeah, it's always days like today
that turn into nights like tonight
when the breeze starts getting colder
and I curl into your body
only to find you're no longer there.

It's nights like tonight
that my thoughts become heavy with hurt and regret
and I roll into a ball under my sheets
to protect myself from these memories of you.

It's nights like tonight
that turn into 4 in the morning
and 4 in the morning somehow becomes afternoon.
Yeah, it's definitely nights like tonight
that make me wish we'd never met...

I think of you through tear-clumped lashes
and down another beer
saying
maybe this 2 a.m. will be different.

I don't want you to see
I just want you to know
that I can't breathe, I can't eat, I can't sleep.
My bed seems empty
and I feel so weak but
I can't think of anyone except you.

These streets
These nights
The dark of the city, the dim of the lights
all remind me of you.

Oh tell me you love me
you need me, you want me.
Lie to me. Now...
just give me one night -
one night of hope and delusion,
one night of sleep
with you lying against my back
and kissing me for sweet dreams.

Then tomorrow...
tomorrow I'll think of you through tear-clumped lashes.

The lights of the city sparkle from outside my window.
They, this view, will always remind me of you.

Water splashes down at my face and up at my boots as I walk these cobbled streets
- the same ones we used to stroll
hand in hand
white dog in tow
glancing up at the brownstones we passed
and joking how we'd live there one day.
Only I wasn't joking..

Remember when you kissed my face
and wrapped the strength of your arm around my shoulder like I was yours,
the only one?
I do...

Because the thing is I'm going to miss you.
I'm going to ache for you
and maybe cry myself to sleep a time or two.
I wonder if it will ever be easy to let you go
the way it was for you.

I'm not sorry I have to go;
I shouldn't have to convince you to love me.
But I wonder if you will remember me
and each night we spent wrapped in each other's arms
watching movies and knocking my laptop to the floor
because we were so eager to touch.

These are the things I need to know.
Because as I stand near this window
and watch the lights flicker on with twilight
I remember you waiting there,
watching you throw your bag over your shoulder.
I remember waiting for the smile and wave that never came
and the call that never rang..

and still
it was the sweetest goodbye I've ever known.

I think of her
running her hands over your hair and across your face
and it makes me sick.

Because I know I get frustrated with the way you want me
and it may seem I don't appreciate you
and I know I need to work on letting you have your space.

But she doesn't know you're self-conscious of your scars
or that touching them makes you squirm.
She's going to try to kiss you
and maybe you'll let her
but then she'll find out your lips are soft like clouds
and she'll never want to stop.

She's going to start growing weak when you speak
because every word has a meaning
and eventually she'll learn which smile is the one that means you've let go of the past
- if only for the moment.

She'll start to grow sad when you need time alone.
She doesn't know that painting's your whole life
and she won't understand.
She won't know that writing's the way you escape
when your mind is too narrowed on your past to focus on the future.

Because you won't tell her about Nigeria
or why you have to feel in control
or maybe you will, once you're sure she's the one.

But I guess if she makes you happy, I'm happy.
Because that's all I've ever wanted for you.
No wait - I'm not that selfless
because I still love you, too...

Philadelphia warlords slip sideways in a cantankerous bed of grout.
The mind denies what the body acknowledges
in its treacherous games of hope and wait.

Quickened footsteps beat mercilessly on the pavement in a forward-backward pattern
that helps no one and speaks to shadows,
yet sacred bloodlust and cramping desire
provide an outlet for the city lying at his feet.

Only a fool speaks softly in a time of war.

Rebellious minds harbor fugitives in the explosive hour of the darkening sun
Allowing wandering eyes and covered whispers
towards holy crosses, ***** on a distant lawn.

Dark faces and shortened noses appear at twilight to provide refuge
from the "war goin' on outside"
taking our own
and beating them senseless with shoe-polished silverware
and books on secret societies.

Yet aside from the divine and acknowledged kinship between us
lie two drunken, disorderly dreamers
with false hope of vows and six-digit salaries
buried beneath violent shouting over fragile egos.

Existential cruelty of a long abandoned Friday
Remembered once, twice
then forgotten by 8 pm.

The shots of Chiraq and memories of Hatshepsut linger effortlessly on his doorstep in the dark of sunlight,
but smiles in his lap disappear on the pavement beneath skyscrapers
before the dead of noon.

His mind travels to the curvy bodies of Monroe types.
A palm, a fist, a thumb
caress ******* and legs before he wakes
to find hair on his pillow and lips in his face
where only days before a yellow sky and bright green eyes waved and faded.

And all because interracial pride and prejudice leaked toils and tensions in the face of Basquiat
Where once African princes and white German queens
spent Tuesday afternoons charming their ways into each others' beds
and sighing at the disgust stamped on the faces of strangers.

Lonesome misty Monday mornings
watch me gaze upon the swells
where the divers reach for rescue
over, under, paddling out..

Yellows, blues, and grays - so cloudy
gentle clings and hopeful sobs
Boaters bobbing, drifting; unsure
of their worthless, urgent trust.

Bring me freedom from this grieving,
save me from this endless doubt;
wave to me in sweet surrender.
Hug me goodbye

These tears...
...fade out

I'm not someone you should love now, baby.
I'll ruin your life,
I'll drive you crazy.

I'm the boy your daddy warned you about.

So listen to my heartfelt cries
my tearful pleas
these long goodbyes.
Know it's not what I want to say
but I can't bear to hurt you this way.

I've seen your tears,
watched your heart crack
And I wish I could take you back.

You made me happy
I felt alive
Life was more than the way to survive.

But you deserve more
My life is too heavy
And we are both too broken already.

Maybe one day we'll find this funny.
I can't be the strength for your scars now, honey.


Oh, by the way - I'm in love with someone else.

Sagging verses of the dead man's past drift aimlessly over
the peaks and valleys of her soul.
"Break my bones but not my mind,"
she pleads - no, whispers.
And now she cries
for revolutionaries deem her spirit weak and body fragile
in its current state of civil war.

Forgive me while I bathe in ice cubes
and brace my back against the wall.
The smokey glow grows weak, is thrown down
on shadowy depths of the concrete floor.

"Give me peace, no, bring me comfort"
in the form of coke and gasoline.
But before we dance upon the ashes...

I learned of saints and sinners from Elizabeth's ghost
and the truth about life versus living from Foreman's wrench.

Yet tomorrow's sunrise left soldiers
blinking at the pain in numbers
printed on fragile forearms and bright red shadows
singing lullabies.

I miss the call to prayer of my heroes town
The slow, mournful, writhing rings
that reach toward the black-cloaked beauties with
heads bowed over their smiling eyes

His voice trills and bows
And I remember the chills it sent up my spine to hear the intensity and sense the powerful devotion
that one man
one voice
one word can bring.

Inshallah

Hello, I hope to be your smile
I want to ease your cries
I want to hold and love you, darling
- There's beauty in your lies

Tell me your story
tell me your secrets
But not a sound from me
And if you want to hear my whisper
You'll wait on bended knee

I'll give you a piece of myself now, gorgeous
No, not my heart; you don't deserve it
You'll keep it close, you'll keep it safe
Now tell me you love me and make it perfect

Oh wait, you do?
No, that's not news
Not after all I've done for you.

Your heart is mine!
I've won! It's time.
Just stand there and
I'll wave goodbye...

The paint-splattered teardrops of yesterday's surrender left me lying here alone,
shattered and lonely,
alone with my colors as they seep slowly, mixing across the floor.

The wood splinters with every new vision,
becoming what's yours and bleeding me dry.

But when I think it has finally broken,
my steps they smear into hushed clouds of white
looking up at me with gracious eyes and heavy smiles
screaming, "Give me love," and release me from this unraveling thread
binding arm and hip to restless mind and peaceless soul.

The salvation of yesterday's tomorrow
creeps blisterlingly by,
torturingly
resurrecting stale hopes of today's past.

In silence we dream of golden canals
and fluttering kisses
of the white man's world,
left superficially untouched by loose laws and pendulous light.

Only history's kings remain incumbent.

Zestless promises of the white fence linger ceaselessly in the campus of hippos
unencumbered by the passive revolt of tomorrow's yesterday yet
lost in the oceans of affirmative action
and unsteady governmental regimes.