Venus fly trap of intrusive thoughts
a broken record of do or die
tangled up in fear and weighted down by the comfort of a blanket in the moment
if I leave my head even for a minute,
I risk delving into the deep end,
the drop off point

healthy minds must go through tragedy too-
it's not that whatever we do,

we set fire to what becomes loose,
we get through it

we know it must happen to feel happy

Right here in this moment. I’d like to be sealed. An envelope for a future generation, to exhibit how great life really feels

right here in this moment. I'd like to be forgotten. A ripped piece of paper, thrown away, left in the closet.

You will not take me alive for I am too powerful.**

You will take me dead, because you are a coward.

It holds you down in the light of day
But no one can see to believe the pain wrapped around your veins
No one can see because you wouldn't say it
You wouldn't frame it in a way that makes you seem like a villain.

Looking in the mirror every day
We see ourselves in the exact same position
Not changing in any way
Getting used to our flaws
What drives us crazy and up the wall
And the proportions of our face
The rotation of our waist
Never questioning what lies underneath
Your blood and teeth
Hoping that's what everyone else sees...

I've had a bad day

like that gay song announces
every time it plays
and the words have never cut into my soul
like today-
the knives breaking every last bit
of flesh I've ever birthed
how do you stray from these bad days?
sing a sad song
just to turn it around?
evidently-
it wont work
sad songs bring me down
sometimes I'm okay with that.
but not today
not today am I okay with the fact
that my life completely and utterly
SUX!

when she learned how to sing
she forgot how to talk
and when she learned how to run
she forgot how to walk
so when she learned how to love
she had no foundation
so the walls kept caving

When I asked for silence
I didn't mean silence
I meant get out of my mind
because I am supposed to be the master

I'm left somewhere



where is to be determined

Wait till I build myself a home
With no walls, chairs, or a kitchen
...But for my love
A place I can store my love

I let my heart out to play...
Wasn’t watching it like a responsible person,

And it ran away

dim the lights
conspire to undress the day
and find the light

I am no longer functioning
a machine that is now broken
in which used to create works of art
that now has grown dusty and
has an out of order sign taped to the front
someone who has lost their parts
and is now in search of
finer
more effective parts
it seems like most people are in need as well
but where oh where
are the spares?
surely someone can help
this world is bigger than we first thought
so maybe they've got something I need
I am leaning on the greed
of my needs
not want ya hear
I need
I went to the mechanic the other day
he says we ain't go no room for the lame
the kids who live with shame
on a day to day basis
he says I belong
in an insane asylum
contained of young fools
but him bringing me down
will never turn me around

~machine

you may not understand me
though that's fine
because at times
I don't understand myself

*I don't understand what I could have seen in you.

I have a fear of fearing
I want to fly and be caught flying
I should dance when it's not sprinkling but pouring
I could wear a hat when I'm swimming
I would yawn when I'm most alive
I am amazing when I'm around guys
I put a piece of yarn between my toes
I wish I had a magic potion in which made toads.

random

in a world where the greater population believe in Jesus more than themselves

A month ago.

How much I miss it

"It's not my fault."
Well that's actually right.
It's a series of generations
that have changed your life!

As I look back and see blue skies rippling without end and the gold of a morning sunrise, I am fine,

But every time I'm fine I cross the line of worry and my arms go numb and my legs won't sit still

I know things are fine
But that's just a ploy to get to my inner joy, a place so delicate that breakable is not soft enough

I am fine

-

A connection between two souls
emerges from an uncertain eye
nothing will happen though,
we both remain shy

oh sorry
don't let the flames burn you
for all the ***** deeds you've done in your life
oops, not again
shouldn't of let the dragons out
they are hungry for flesh
come this way
here's where we'll lay you to rest
no food no air
nothing there
but the regrets you hold
the lies you've told
let me know if you need anything
and oh yeah
welcome to **Hell!

the hardest truths are the simplest
but most difficult to understand

Just shield me from the consequences, feelings, bitter opinions of the roaring audience. Opinions are only opinions until they take form into a rolling ball knocking down all others. Then they are a destruction. Bulging eyes and red cheeks~ you don't have to get so mad. Fires are not supposed to flood our bodies, and I know you want to feel alright. So let us all believe what we want without hurting others

The more you think
the more you wont
the more you do
them more you will

if you knew
you would take it back
one day the suns out
it pours the next
your heart is still here
in disguise in every act of kindness
in every good thing
Your heart is a fossil

I'm sorry that I never listen

as I listen to my heart beat in an unfamiliar way

and late at night as I lay in tear soaked pillows
I hear the rain for the fifth time this week

"sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down"

hello
he said he had a great memory,
but do you think that applies to me?
Hey
he kissed the inside and out of my mouth
a closet full of fragmented words
and unfinished poems
worries and expectations
hi
he doesn't reply with meaning, he replies so I will leave him
sup
I don't think it's natural to cling onto something and you're not even a thought in his head
you ask yourself- you've never been after him before
he found you..
Why am I the one storing the pain and backup of feelings?
holding tenderly what was there
and you'll never know his words verbatim running through his mind,
and if that's all I want, what do I get?

I wasn't even looking and yet...
I still get hurt
-

When you've seen your own devil~
everyone else seems to matter much more

I don't know you as well as I know myself
and I want you to know I want you to smile

I want you to complain about the lines around your mouth, I want you to laugh when you're older that you were so happy

laugh as so and make sure you know that those lines draw the perfect picture
abstract may it be,
but all too beautiful the same

the grip I must feel to have the wheel
to truly have it and not let it slip through the sweat and tears

tighter than where the sky meets the grass, tighter than any connection you've ever had

they shake and want to surrender any day now
but everything's so precious

I had to say goodbye to a friend because she was too much like me, too much like the thoughts that could **** me

an illness that mocks me in my sleep,
repeatedly choosing for me

faking a sense of control that only allows me to pretend
I'm not too grown up for this

the cruelties don't go over my head
they swoop and land

cutting me in deeper
drowning me in my own tears

lifting me up and drifting me away

and yet I remain to wander

Some things are too good to be true
And others are just that good

Do you ever not know what you're feeling

A gust of wind laying to rest any sin

But you're latching onto something

Something so real but something so unimaginable

You wanna understand but how far do you travel?

Do you rip your heart apart just to understand

Split your mind in half because you can't take it all in

dandelions are beautiful
yet my dad is stuck on the premise of it being a ****

mow it down
rip it to shreds

a beautiful nuisance

Today I ordered hot coffee just to let it grow cold
I climbed into my clothes and walked around in them
something felt odd, something felt different

the coolness racing down my throat
it still tasted like coffee-
but not as good

but these things have never annoyed me
have never made me want to get angry

love is so much of a better feeling
it tingles and mingles around in your body
hugs every loose end tight
makes you feel safe in your own skin-
love can do a lot

I can depend on the wind to keep me moving
the air to keep me living
the grass to allow me to have a presence

I no longer fear what's ahead because what's in me now
has no count down
it's permanent while it exists
and temporary pain gets flushed out

Yes, today I ordered coffee
and funnily enough, I let it grow cold

Still-
nearly every crinkled blessing, every gift of knowledge, whose arthritis gets on their bad side from time to time and words must be repeated because they do wanna hear, it's just harder

soft hearted, but tough spirited elderly. I see quite a bold line between middle aged and elderly. It's like the sun setting into orange from red. Appreciation for being able to live. That's as simple as it is. Bills go up the wall and you live for the smaller things, watching tv. A smile always ready for a young adult or adolescent

I continuously feel guilty

because there's always someone to disappoint
always someone to look the other way

is this what it's like to be the bigger person?
is this what it means to agree to disagree?

these thoughts don't make sense

standing strong for as long as you can,
and sitting down to retrieve a breath

my routine
till death

-

and maybe I've hit the drop off point
maybe I've done all I could do

torn away the last of the good
to see what remains
and maybe I'm looking for attention
or not paying enough

dropping the ball
picking up when things were good

don't do this to yourself

He has eyes that wander
Wander through creaks and upstream
Down riverbanks and across the jungle floor

He has eyes that escape
Escape the connection of two souls merging

I don't know I can be enough for someone who is always searching for better

hope runs its fingers through knotted hair
and exhumes hearts that were laid to rest

a gravely thought surfaced in the head of
the ones who once did pirouettes
with their words, risked reality for the sake of dreaming,
everything's normal you just can't get hurt

hope runs its fingers through our lucky days
and assures us in time another will come
out of the bushes straight our way

it's the caboose, the last fall, the remainder of it all
it nests in hiding, look up
higher than you think possible
its dust has marked park benches
you wont see it until you put on glasses
you wont see it until you move one step forward

some days it doesn't come out to play
but it isn't a game, it's the key to
a door that has been locked for ages

look, I have closets full of combinations
that were destroyed under the flames of
pure misfortune,

I really do believe that through this quest, we will find that individual key

Once we do,
we come to life

you're always welcomed

Knowing he will try
Is much better than a lie

if the only thing you care about is your **** size,
you've got BIGGER problems.

Not today will I stand to fall back down. I’ll begin to swell my eyes into bodies of water that no one really knows what’s underneath. I won't reply to your text, because you do that to me. Leave me on read as if I’m a book from your childhood that you forgot even existed. You’re waiting. For a response I’m guessing. But I can’t respond. I just write because I can see what’s happening to me instead of just feeling it. I really really like you, this is the longest, first true relationship I’ve ever been in. This time I’ll leave you on read. You can have a dose of what the silent treatment is. Am I first on your priority list? I say this because I know you hang out with your guy friends and never have time for me. I can’t lie to myself because I want this relationship to be my final. I have to know what my heart feels and you say you have to clean up the mess you made. How big of a mess did you make?? And does it take you all day? I knew coming into this it hurts either way. But for god sakes I don’t want it to end this way. I’m not giving up, letting go of the rope of uncertainty. Because with what you’ve said it seems like you like me a lot. A lot a lot. I know there are things you have to do. Like, your dad’s home so I can’t come over. What were you planning? I love your kisses and intimate moments, but is that all you like about me? I’m upset and angry because it makes me feel better. That I can depend on myself more than anyone else. You work everyday and are completely unemployed from my life. I want to work on this, but I know you’ll never read this, as will anyone else. That’s not the point of writing this. I just wanted to, without words, tell him how I felt. Excuse after excuse, I’m starting to expect a “no.” But I can’t stat waiting-I have to keep going. We’re already treading on water and the age difference doesn’t help. My dad already doesn’t the relationship, and maybe he is too immature. He’s going to be a sophomore in high school and I just graduated high school. He still has a lot of memories to make.

I like your eyes right after you cry

crystal and repaired