To think and wish what ifs...

To look to the past for what might have beens...

To gaze upon what once was and what could have come to past.....

Leaves one's heart tender and aching

Until you realize, what is

Is good and true and joyous

In its own right.

I'm sorry I latched onto **you

I feel as if I'm becoming a *****.
As if my body is no longer the temple feminists and my mother claim it to be.
I just feel my body isn't my own.

I meet men every day.
Once I searched but now I let them find me.
It's not like they sit long enough to hear my words.
To hear how educated I am and how I'm pretty cool to be around.
Nah, all they want is my womanhood
And I, being weak for words and a pretty face,
Let them have it.

"That ***. ****, that ***."
Is that my redeeming factor?
"Those eyes, ****"
Is that the only thing about me, clothed, that interests you?
"****, them moves"
Boy if how I work in the bedroom is all you seek I need you to keep moving.

Because I'm sick of being the ***** of my friends

I had a conversation not long ago that most of my male friends wanna "hit that hard"
I gotta say, for a second I was flattered.
After being called ugly since I was young, being wanted in any way is flattering to me
Call me pretty and I'm yours.
Call me **** and I'll show you.

****
Reading my own words have instilled in me a will to stop but
The fact is that I won't
This destruction of my psychosis is simply the beginning, and certainly unbecoming
Of a girl like me,
I'd call myself a woman but that would disgrace the ones who work hard and love harder.

Nah, I'm done sneaking out of my house to hit it and quit it.
I'm done lurking in shadows for love.
The simple fact is that I don't know where this derailed train of self destruction will lead me but I have my one way ticket
Might as well find out, right?

The people are too loud
and my music isn't loud enough
I want to say a few words
but my brain tells me to shut up
So I write my thoughts on a piece of paper
then send it off
to a place on the computer
where poets can read
and like what they choose
we can't always win
but we'll always lose
to the voice in our mind
that won't let us say what we please
but maybe that's just my mind and me

I close my eyes, against the bright light
and try to count the stars,
yes with my eyes shut tight
they flit away, my thoughts, like humming birds taking flight...

I try to latch onto it , only to fail
all the while whirling in a boat, trying to sail

I search for it , but in vain
and i'm left staring at the spot it'd lain.

It teases me and taunts me of the paradise, that exists,
just out of my reach, floating there it persists...

It stays there the memory of a time without taint,
and i follow the path that my tears now paint.

She stares at the phantom girl, her eyes open wide,
and feels the feelings crash into her, tide after tide.

she ventures unafraid into the dreary , cold foreboding dark
the cold does not bother her and she moves on guided by a spark.

just beyond the realm of darkness, where she sees an inviting spark,
the memory that taunts her, it lies just beyond the dark...


She wades in through the murk,
just out of her reach does the memory lurk.


Through and through, drenched with fear
as the doubts mount in numbers in the sidelines and leer.

She runs towards it rather than away,
facing the demon , unyielding to its sway.


Its stares at her, with dark dark eyes
taunting her yet again with promises, that are all lies.


She stares back at it, through all the shadows,
that lurk
all the fears and doubts and beyond all the despair in the murk.

The memeory rushes into her like a deep breath of fresh air,
to fill her with love and happiness and all the joy that she could bear

But suddenly, its blown away just as soon as it came
disappearing within seconds,with a passing gust of air,
she realizes nothing can ever be the same.


That life is but momentary,
and you don't live long enough to hear all the commentary

That all things
Love and Hate
Fear and Courage
Truth and Lies
exist side by side
and one thing has to die, for the other to survive
and this is the rule by which,
they all abide.

I open my eyes to the brightnes of the sun-rise
all the fear is washed away and so are the lies...

Oh no there goes another tear
As I swell up in fear..
My perfect skin is hid in bruising
The fights I'm always losing.
   I beg him to stop
He laughs as the tears drop
One hit, two hits,three it never seems to end
Is it bad I hoped it was the end..
She layed there covered in blood
It was like a never ending flood
   I began to feel so weak..
As whimpers began to leak
That was that she took her last breath....
That painful night ended to her death,
Now she is forever gone...
As for your the one in wrong!!!

I was a caterpillar ,
before I became a butterfly .
The pain I had to endure in order to transform into the beauty I am today .
This is my tale .

In the forest there was,
My cocoon wrapped in the finest silk,
With a power to live in a colorful world.
To dream and conquer goals.
A Vivacious soul spinning in the purest silk
Growing and maturing as I spun.
Wishing for freedom with my beautiful wings,
Counting the days to be free and soar
as a lively butterfly
until
You winded into my community
Lured my queen and her uneven monarch.
Tempted to sabotage my purity.
For that you,
Lured yourself into my vulernable cocoon
with that trust,
you decided to disrupt my process.
How can one man ruin my nesting site?
And I had faith in you ,
to be a figure
I never had.
I wanted.
My heart ached for it.
I needed it.
To be loved .
To be nurtured.
To never be like those stray dogs
looking for a home.
This was the moment .
Where....
Innocence stripped, heart captured.
My Freedom gone.
You were naive to comprehend
On what you were doing...
You would stab my cocoon
with your sickening poison .
Over and over you stabbed .
Ruptured the veins of my innocence .
To break my finest silk .
Purity banished.
Stabbing your poison was
Making my cocoon
useless ,
worthless ,
unwanted,
colorless,
I tried to run and I tried to scream
but I was devoured by this poison
It was the love I deserve.
Couldn't escape , numb to the pain
For every poison injected, I began to
Question God?
Where was he ?
when I shed out a tear of help.
Where was he?
when my cocoon was destroyed.
Was I loved God?
when I muffled help in your name.
I hated myself ,
I stay in my cocoon
afraid to see my future.
I wasn't going to be a beautiful butterfly
Battered Butterfly
My life seemed to be colorless
No one wants a battered butterfly
My life....
It seemed it had ended
when poison sunk onto my helpless body .
No one wants a battered butterfly
Imprisoned to these chains.
Being poisoned every night by different
Predators.
Oh God....
Those predators ...
Battered lifeless little butterfly
Was I ever loved in my nesting site?
But then again nobody loves a battered butterfly
How can I reach to heaven when
I was worthless.
Believed I was a vile *****.
Tricked into a poison of hell.
Battered Ugly Butterfly
***** Little butterfly.
There was no light in tunnel
There was no holes in my silk
To escape this poisonous nest.
Why?
Because I believe nobody wants save a battered butterfly
How can the man I trusted ruined me.
I thought you could be the one to complete my lovely monarch .
To complete the missing piece.
But you continued to misuse me.
To haunt me.
To barricade my heart
To own my soul
But one thing I can truly say
You never once won over me.
You never imprinted my change.
I endured your pain
That was a sign of God
To show me what strength I am capable of.
That was the light that I found,
You had no control to inflict pain anymore.
Because I became impervious to your pain.


I am a beautiful butterfly
reigning over my monarch
with no thought of you.
**That is my freedom