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 Dec 2015 Joyce
eli
lost breath
 Dec 2015 Joyce
eli
you ask, "why i haven't killed myself?"

I.
the day she died,
i remember my father telling me
there are millions of good girls out there
then i realized, she was the one in that million
and for her, i'll stay alive for another trillion

II.
my hope that one day, this pursuit of happiness
will eventually peruse me to joy and success
but i wear anxiety like a dress
to the point i've made this whole 'killing myself thing' a mess

III.
for all the heartbreaks i've endured
there will be one girl that invents the cure
but i reject love to the point it's lost its allure
and death is the only thing that has become sure

IV.
why i haven't killed myself?
i am already dead.
we said we'd grow up and meet in a coffee shop one day
now you're gone and to see you again, my life would be the price to pay
but you have reserved your soul in me, embedded like espresso in a latte
push these pills away, and hear you whisper "there are other ways"

V.
i outright refuse to hear my grandmother's religion talk about suicide in an ignorant manner.
i rather not be the talk of Christmas dinner
and rather endure my aunt's repulsive dessert than become the devil's bread-winner.

VI.
why i haven't killed myself?
i am already dead.
i am finally starting to find love again
and i'd rather the ink of this pen die before i enter Heaven's den.

VII.
i can't handle seeing my brothers at my funeral
hear them whisper of all my "wasted" potential
then see them leave to use drugs as their coping utensil

VIII.
i would get to see her again in heaven
but she would bring my heart into a deep descend
as she says "to me, you are forever dead."

IX.
everyone would speak about my sacrifice
but i wear pride and it shreds my skin like knives
and god forbid, i disappoint my loved ones before i end my life.

X.
why i haven't killed myself?
can't you see it? i am already dead.
i died the day she left and i'd rather my final words to her
be the last thing i've ever said
than a stupid poem about how i kept wishing i was dead.
for her.
Dear dream girl,

Before I let the words unfurl
Let me thank you for meeting me there.
It's a place I know but have never been,
It's ground soft, like a nostalgic sin,
And I wait,
Wait for a sound or a feeling,
Sortof sitting, sortof kneeling,
You are there.
How you found the lair,
Or why we started talking were questions
I would not far,
to ask or know
Your face would change in your tone,
I had my bottle and you had your phone,
But neither of us would let go of them.
You didn't like talking unless I said something first,
And I was always left with a thirst.
There were walls like we were somewhere artificial,
Manufactured for a short use time;
I didn't reply, but you said "it will be fine".

The walls have reel to reel projectors,
With a hum of ghostly patriotic defectors,
With a weird blue tint,
Memories of terrible heartache stints,
My demons playing on the left
Every time I yelled or was jealous,
And zooming in it shows your smile
Or the sadness on the other end of the phone,
Or the craving to be with me at home,
And on the right was you putting walls up,
Fighting on things that now really don't matter,
Zooming in on me smiling,
Or the me just getting sadder.

I asked you to meet me here tomorrow,
Because I'll take all the time I can borrow,
The door closes,
And I'm awake.

From toes still in the water,
With love.
 Jul 2015 Joyce
Kevin T Norman
Roots
 Jul 2015 Joyce
Kevin T Norman
My hands may have let go,
but my heart didn't.
 Jun 2015 Joyce
bones
silence..
 Jun 2015 Joyce
bones
your words
give me flight
like a child dreaming,

but childhood
dreams have all
of a lifetime to land,

silence rushes at me
as sharp and
as deep as grief.
 Jun 2015 Joyce
Shiennina Marae
How in love are we?
Can you tell?
This is me trying.

I have been every shade of someone else
But with you, I am myself
This was something I was supposed to be immune to
That I claim I’m better at
This is going to hurt
Loving you is like reaching the heavens
While planting myself deep into the ground
Bridging them with all our words of love and promises
Always the certain words, always the uncertain future
You are my release from this trap of skin
Whispering my insanity, breaking the naked eye
Each of my 206 bones are aching to fuse with yours
If I didn’t say I love you that night
That would’ve cost me a whole universe
Thoughts of “You ruined it” came rushing
But when you inhaled my words and let out a smile
I knew you wouldn’t let me destroy this alone
You never let me hurt the poems in my lungs
Always the air to breathe in
You let me breathe
You are one of my birthday wishes I never made but came true
I swear to god you can see a mosaic of you on my nails
A museum of half-drunk thoughts of you in my head
Your irises are deeply rooted in mine
Hands fit, shoulder blades never cutting each other
You're already in poems I haven't written yet
They will never lose a hint of you in them
We never needed that relationship anatomy
We are our own perfect piece of the time frame
I found happiness in your tired arms
I stopped hiding
You are safe in my mouth
I am always hungry
Never distant
But never close enough
The corpses of my questions found light in your answers

Our lost became our home.
Our broken our ceiling.
When we started building again, that ceiling crashed
Now we see stars, the swirling galaxy that made this worth the pain
When we said “I love you”
We meant “I am ready to be consistent with you”

How in love are we?
Can you tell?
This is me trying.
The first and last parts of this poem are MM's words *intense love for this girl oh my god*

June 1, 2015
 May 2015 Joyce
Xan Abyss
She was only seventeen
In a town called Mexicali

Purple lipstick, hair dyed green
Wouldn't let her leave without me

And she liked things obscene
That I won't talk about here

But her **** you wouldn't believe,
So I had to keep her around...

My marijuana girl, my marijuana girl
Her eyes lit up
When I lit up
My marijuana girl
My marijuana girl, my marijuana girl
Smoky dreams
and tequila screams...


...My Marijuana Girl...

She was a wild thing indeed
Life carried by the wind

A little wink is all she needs
To drive a holy man to sin

My bloodshot eyes were hypnotized
My head started to spin

She can blow you up or calm your heart
Like nitroglycerine

My marijuana girl, my marijuana girl
Her eyes lit up
When I lit up
My marijuana girl
My marijuana girl, my marijuana girl
Smoky dreams
and tequila screams...


...My Marijuana Girl...

*Mi chica marijuana
My marijuana girl
Lyrics.
 May 2015 Joyce
dazmb
Yew Tree
 May 2015 Joyce
dazmb
we bury the dead
as bone deep ghosts to ourselves
relying instead
on the earth
to return us uprooted
as something pagan and pure
 May 2015 Joyce
dazmb
there is no map for forgiveness
just a maze of bone deep navigation
through static
and the unknown frequencies of love
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