Quit Date:** 10/27 11/1
A billow of smoke wallowing down the side walk
A Marlboro dangling from my lips
Enveloped by gentle sniffles
My glassy doe eyes ringed in charcoal,
Tracing cars whizzing around me like bullets,
And I think about pulling the trigger.
A shuffle and a lean, a simple solution
And as my body collides
With these guzzling hunks of metal
United with the afterlife through searing edges
Flinging my soul from this hollow cavern,
To be reborn in a new shell, or
To greet the most intelligent engineer, or
To hover in between dimensions, or
To be blinded by an ebony cloak of darkness, or
And deafened by an infinite silence.
This ensemble I longed for years ago.
And the sting of the needle
Flashed before my eyes like these swimming headlights.
And it’s 2011, attempt #2, I think,
I’m in my room,
I close my eyes,
I wait to die.
I open my eyes,
I’m in the hospital,
A mummy wrapped in saline-pumping tubes.
And I realize I’m bad at killing myself.
And I realize I won’t feel his finger nails on my collarbone.
And I realize I won’t hear my mother’s piercing cackle,
And I realize I won’t see my brother’s band on tour.
And I realize I won’t smell grass after it rains.
And I realize I won’t ******* name on his tongue.
And I realize I won’t ever get the chance to tell everyone that I’m so happy that I’m bad at killing myself.
I sit on the curb,
With a tight chest,
Shaking hands,
And a stupid grin.
Enough is enough.
I’ll quit smoking the day after Halloween,
This is my last pack.
© Gabby K 10/27/2015