i used to love you sober.



               i've been high for days.

your smile was bright and lit up the room like the sun.
even on the rainiest of days as long as i could make you smile the world always seemed bright and warm.
i was infatuated with you by means you could not and will not ever understand.
i chose seeing you over going to class.
i chose writing stupid poetry about you over sleep.
i chose waiting for you and loving YOU over learning to love myself.
i chose clinging onto lovely memories over forgetting how you hurt me.
but if there's one thing i didn't chose, it was loving you.
that's not something i could have ever chosen.
loving you isn't something you that's done by choice.
God no.
loving you is a dark trap that people fall into.
loving you is like the first rain of spring,
or the first layer of fall leaves scattered on the ground.
i didn't ask for it but by god it happened anyway.

months later here i am and I'm clinging onto this idea that somehow it was my fault.
maybe i wasn't open enough.
maybe i didn't text you back at the right pace.
but maybe all along it wasn't me.
it was you.

No longer will i only
write for you
I know there may never be a
final piece about you
But no longer
will you be my only muse

This broken piece I still carry
the one that fits in the empty
space of your heart
has grown too heavy
and it's time
to leave it be

The time has come
for me to mend my heart
without your name slipping through
its cracks

alnitak is the leftmost star in Orion's Belt.
it is located approximately 817 light years away.
that's 10,799,034,810,538,287 miles.

one day you asked me how much i loved you and i told you i loved you from here to alnitak, but you became puzzled and brushed me off.
as an astronomy major i live for the stars.
i love them.
each one is unique.
as a side effect, i often times find myself comparing people to stars, writing their bodies as constellations, their tongues as asteroid belts.
but with you it was different. you weren't just a constellation to me.

GN-z11 is the oldest and most distant known galaxy in the observable universe.
even with all that competition, you still somehow, made yourself to be the largest thing i could fathom. your arms wrapped around me like overgrown tree branches reaching up to hold the night sky in place. i felt warm in your grasp.
if a meteor decided to fall from the sky it was okay, because as long as i could keep you, the entire world could burn for all i care.

Stars run on hydrogen fuel. When stars fuse hydrogen into helium, they burn, releasing heat and light. when they run out of helium, they begin to expand and explode, causing them to become a red giant.

when you stopped loving me, i ran out of helium. i began to explode.
my inner thoughts and feelings of regret blasted around inside me at light speeds, looking for a source of fuel. but you were my fuel and you were nowhere to be found.
i turned into a red giant.
after you left,
all my eyes ever saw was red.
i saw red in the happy couples on the subway.
in the lady who brings muffins to lecture on Thursday nights.
even in my mother when she asked how my life was going.

after becoming a red nova, a star cools to a white dwarf, and a black. when a large star dies, it has so much mass that after the helium is used up, it still has enough carbon to fuse it into heavy elements like iron. When the core turns to iron, it no longer burns. The star’s gravity causes it to collapse, and then it explodes into a supernova. What’s left of the core can form a neutron star or a black hole.

and that's what you left me.
we were a bright glimmering star that illuminated the eyes of people around the globe. but we're nothing now.
nothing can compare to the way you made me light up.
now I'm a black hole.
I'm hungry for you.
i hunger for you.
i crave you.

..and we can only give
what we can give.
I opened myself
and handed it to you
in trust
peeled back the layers
of onionskin
as they fell
upon the ground.

My heart,
in shining pieces,
glows like diamonds
fresh from the earth
raw, rough
yet ever-true
pumping blood and lust
giving it so darkly
yet with infinite light.
My heart, yes, my heart
Only this
is what I have
to give to you.

How I wanted
          to catch
the pulses of light
to cup them in my hands
and hold them
like precious chalices
made of fine materials.
Yet they seem to have passed
so **** quickly
along the overhead beams
like a conveyor belt
in a love factory.
How I wanted
             to capture
their flames
like fireflies in a jar
so many points of luster
an inner glowing
up into the realms of faith
of wisdom
of kindness
of pleasure
How I wanted
          to light you up
and be lit from within
for our points of darkness
to meet and explode
as shooting stars
bound for the same orbit
expanding until they could
enfold it all.

Now
it is up to me.
I must calm
the heart and mind
caught up
in turbulence,
storms of inner fires
I must calm the winds
lest my deepest self
blow away
I must save myself
before morning
and let sleep caress
my inner wounds
let the bounds of
lovingness
forgive me
as I forgive myself
for loving.

Everybody always quotes about laying in bed at night, alone and depressed, but nobody ever states what it feels like to lie in the comfort of your own bed at any hour of the day, with no one to take and give comfort to. You're alone in the sunlight, empty and distressed over the fact that you have no one at all to spend your time with. The day is when you are meant to have fun, and be with people, but when you are explicitly alone then, well, that is when you feel the most deflated and dejected.