You told me you would be there if the tables were to turn
But we've been there, and you don't care, I've finally discerned.
Sacrifices made on my end, you needed a warm body
I'll no longer pretend that you've genuinely got me

I keep collecting extra straws because the last one's drawn too soon
I'm rising with the sun and have to let you chase the moon
Selflessly hoping to help you grow attuned
While helplessly knowing that to love, you are immune

I'll always be there  
Even on the bad days
When I don't want to be for myself I'll be there for you
Waiting
It could never be a waste of time
So I wait and wait and wait and wait and wait some more
Living for what I love  
Not made to change only to understand, to level up
Hoping you can feel it from afar
During the times you can't look at yourself
You'll know someone loves you
Someone cares
For the thinnest half of a chance that could ever bring you comfort
That's why I'll always be there

The reality you feel
Is the illusion your insecurities have fed you.
The observations made become your assumptions
That destroy the beauty of the unknown.
The words you choke on
Distort truth to lies.

Then your silence feeds your fears
Until your heart begins to fill with doubt.
The possibilities dissipitate
Sabotaged any friendship, any hope, any adventure, any future.
Convinced by the anxiety that warps your mind,
You close yourself.

There's no way back through the twisted silence and physical separation.

Ruined.

smoking on the creek bed
standing under trees
never say what I mean too
rolling harder than the stream
poster boy for second place
my nightmares were once dreams
I can't sleep much
I still can't trust enough
I can't love ,can't even lust
the person I was is dust
something's killing me but I can't find the source
I keep moving but I have no true north
I'm head over nose ,plane into field
I'm not Jets to Brazil , my lyrics don't fit the bill
"touching you I start to bloom"
I've been doing photosynthesis with no light
I told you I haven't  been living right

life doesn't make sense at all
one day, it's okay
another day, it's not
life is an enigma somehow

life is like a book
it has a start
an end
but i tell you, it's no easy ride

life makes you insane
makes you think
makes you cry
and that's just a small part of it

and lastly, life is beautiful
it stays an enigma
a question
a mystery
because life has wonderful presents
just for you

I've been more distant tha usual
One word replies
There's an extra effort to make a conversation
And to keep it going
Our good nights are no longer anticipated
We no longer fall asleep on video
Hours at a time
Our everyday convos get shorter and shorter
My want to stay silent grows stronger

There's an extra effort from you to express your love
An extra effort from me to be an cold ***
Guilt rushes in and quickly goes when I don't say I love you back
Distance is my new best friend

You say you know
But you don't know how much I want to be honest
You don't know that the feeling of desire is slowly fading
I won't tell you
I'll just let you assume and guess
I'm getting a bit dreary of this effort
This effort to stay in love

trying to find the answer,
to the universe,
when it is not a question.

trying to find peace,
solace and purpose,
but finding distraction.

trying to love
the self-loathing
and bold narcissists

trying to find god
in the fine powder
of a street chemist.

trying to find comfort
in hard people,
but finding indifference.

trying to find words
out of turned backs
and stoic silence.

trying to find the way back
when I never
even departed.

trying to find courage
and finding only,
the faint-hearted.

trying to tell the truth
when someone only asked
for a dare.

trying to find a god,
who may or may not
even be there.

And although most days
I find myself deep
in sorrow and mourning,

I would not barter one second,
trade one moment,
for anything.