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 Jun 2016 Jodie-Elaine
To the boy who loves me next:
Please understand I am complex,
and **** your cliches,
this is not some Tumblr post.

I am a host for emotions I cannot control at all times
there are some things you should know
before you decide that you love me,

Don't tell me that it's going to be okay when I stop breathing
especially in public.
Please don't go when I push you away, though. I don't mean it.
You need to know that I want you to fight for me when I tell you to leave.

My favorite color is purple and my favorite food is strawberries.
(oh and this weird vietnamese noodle dish I never know the name of)

Sometimes I will test you, and not in the "just checking if you were listening"
test kind of way

But I will see how far I can push you until you want to leave,
please don't.

To the boy who loves me next:
understand that the first boy to love me took a lot when he left.

I'm not picking up the pieces anymore, I don't expect you to.
But I am creating new ones and need someone to be there to hold the box of nails or kiss my finger when I've slammed it with the hammer.

Know that you probably won't do anything wrong,
well you might, you're a guy
so you're probably going to say something I will take as
completely sexist!
you pig!
don't you dare compliment my *****! *******!

wait! that's what boyfriends are for,
I'm sorry, I forgot.
I do that a lot.

To the boy who loves me next:
I'm a feminist.
I probably eat 10 bananas a day.
I love coffee and would rather wear my hair up.
And yes, I ****.

To the boy who loves me next:
my room will not be clean,
messy is as messy does,
and even when I don't do a lot
(which is often, oh boy do I have my days)
I am a slob.

To the boy who loves me next:
Chamomile tea is my favorite smell.
I will probably tell you 45 times a day that I think you're handsome
and mean it every time.

To the boy who loves me next:
I have scars on my arm
please don't mention them
I've put that behind me
somewhere you're allowed but cannot get comfortable

To the boy who loves me next:
I'm going to listen to the same song 150 times in a week because I like it,
and I'm sorry but you will probably have to deal with it.

To the boy who loves me next:
I'm sure you're going to like the song anyway.
I have three cats,
I can't take care of dogs very well.
I'm over emotional.
Baby goats make me cry.

To the boy who loves me next:
I cry,
a lot actually.
Don't take it personally.
You'll understand eventually.

To the boy who loves me next:
I like watching the History Channel but I've been watching Gossip Girl for a month now.
I pace myself because I become
emotionally attached to characters in bad MTV shows
faster than real people.
I want you to think I'm a bookworm but I start more than I finish

To the boy that loves me next:
You won't if you see me without my ADD meds.

If you love me next, know:
I like rough ***.
Pretty rough if I might add but I won't tell you that for a year
because I'm shy
You should also know I'm loud,
I don't mean in bed,
I mean roll the windows down because I talk
and get really excited over trivial things like
fresh fruit in season
and sometimes I ramble on about nothing
and you should be able to handle that

Can you handle that?

To the boy who loves me next:
I am apologetic and scared because I have loved once  
I never thought that high would bring me down to where I am now

To the boy who loves me next:
I'm going  to pretend I'm rough around the edges,
please see past it,
or at least love me long enough to let me explain.
The boy who loved me first knows everything.
And since he's gone,
you're going to have the leftover weight.

To the boy who loves me next:
I promise it will be worth the strength it takes to carry it,
I promise to love you back as much as I think I deserve to be loved at all.

To the boy who loves me next:
do it fully or don't do it at all.
My father is watching you
in this smoke-filled room;
of the three doors —
body, soul, and spirit.

Smoke engulfs
these stung eyes;
you search for the key
to unlock your
from numbness,
but you collapse
hand outstretched;

Where is my mind?
Welcome to my
smoky unconscious

The mask is..
…Confined, within four walls;
hear my screams
as he falls–
face buried in the pavement.

Conceal the moonlight
to rotate–
reveal the dark shade that
encapsulates my screams
drowning in faceless bodies,
to find they all belong
to me.

I am malleable,
unpredictable, unknown
I am the silence before the rainbow
or the storm.

I am simply

His lips are infinite possibilities
infinite time
that slip through the gaps
of my fingers;
piling immaculately.

I have lost
A  free-verse response to Daughter's "Smoke." Originally a blog-post:
 Jun 2016 Jodie-Elaine
She spends her day wondering if I wonder about her.
And I do...
How my mind wanders all day back to her,
How her body wraps around mine when I cuddle her in bed,
How elegantly she walks;
How gorgeous she is when she stops stopping herself.
How she looks when she walks out of the bedroom in the morning.
How shy she looks when she wants affection,
How furious she is when someone is being wronged,
How sweet her kisses are when she's missed me,
How focused she is when she's working on a project,
How she folds herself about when she's sleeping,
How she throws herself into everything that she does,
How she makes me feel when she's in my arms.
She who loved me when I felt I couldn't be loved anymore.
She who stood by me in the wake of my madness.
She who waited when I told her I needed to finish my work.
She who wants to just collapse against me when the day is done.
She who wants to have a home for all of our Loves.
She who wants to bring beauty and happiness to the world.
She who makes my heart sings when she sings.
She who healed me in ways I thought I could heal anymore.  
She who wants to wander the earth with me and mine.
She who I seek when the thunder is rolling so she's safe.
She who I feel is genuinely by my side at all times.
She who I feel has been in my dreams as long as I've dreamed.
I find myself waking up from a sleep that kept me for years,
Eyes widening every day
To see everything in the glory that it is around me.
The glory of her presence in my life.
I know she is mine from how her hands twists into mine.
She is mine.
I am her's.
We are ours.
Dear C,
For the last week
I've been feeling down
I didn't believe anything
And no conclusions could be found
And all I could think
is " what if life has no meaning?
what if the universe just wastes space?
what's the meaning of the human race?"

But somehow
listening to you rant on the bus home
about how your Harvard-trained substitute
"Can't ******* teach"
made my day
a little brighter
and pushed the system in my mind out
like the month-long rainstorm that just ended yesterday
I guess listening to someone vent
when you feel pent up
can make you feel a little more free

so thank you
I still have the existential thoughts, but I don't feel even half as bad.
Corset and buttermilk black lined eyes
Waltzing around the past
In Jeffrey Campbell boots
I knew the truth.

She's harmless
And perhaps
Nothin' special.

She entered the room like a little gnome
I felt no hatred.

She stood next to me like I was just another person
We made eye contact
Her eyes so clearly tattooed on
Teeth like yellow brick roads
Her hair surpasses the length of mine
Her hands tiny, perhaps more fragile
Cultured, worldly eyes
Fancy vapes and smoking trinkets filled the room
They had just moved in
And I shook a little on the inside
Because I remember the mornings
Where I awoke next to you
And your little face would be covered in white head pimples
I had to make you brush your teeth
Or wonder why you didn't read more books.

God bless.

And I don't mean any harm when I say that
But it kills me sometimes
That you have painted me with Lady MacBeth's ointment of red.

The breeze sweeps and lingers on my face
Reminding me to let go, be free
You seemed so different baby.

Sweet baby.
I'm so sorry.

But I don't want you at all.

I guess I get it.
I see what it is.
We didn't say our names
Or ask questions
She just knew
And so did I
And she lives next to one of my favorite coffee shops
The place I went and met my DP at for the first time
I remember that mystical encounter
And how we walked in the sun afterwards
And I admitted that you cheated on me.

Like a sword stabbed through a shield
I wonder if you treat her better.

You got all the right things to say
You know how to listen
To qualify and count on tiny fingers and toes
And sometimes I'll think with a sweet sick vengeance
How much it got you off to think of me pregnant.

Another had me in the shower in the early hours of this morning
And it made me think of how that was where it happened for us
But this morning, I let my hair be semi wet
Her face entered my mind a few times
And I wondered why
Oh why wasn't she with you?

I dream of her often
She always appears differently in my mind

Maybe in another life
We would have shared her vape
Taken an instagram pic
Gotten 5.k followers and likes

And been friends.
 Apr 2016 Jodie-Elaine
Firstly, sit somewhere,
You can never in your life,
And it won't matter whether
You are a husband or a wife,
As a matter of fact you can't
Just make a square in air,
With your right hand,
A circle on the ground with your toe.

That is 'cause your brain,
Now just so very humane,
Can't follow this paradox,
Conflicting activities both.

Now position change,
Get down on the floor,
Yes, on all your four.

And you can not breathe in and out,
As quickly with your tongue out of your mouth,
And your nostrils both not being used.
My HP Poem #1050
©Atul Kaushal

Like this post if you tried either or both.

If you tried the second, you might have realized that it is possible, just that there isn't much difference between you and your uncle's dog!

Hurt people and feel bad about it
keep hurting people and keep
feeling bad about it,
get hurt and
don’t be resilient,

make beer your
only companion,
**** a lot,
play the piano
on your thighs
when you’re stressed,
tap your feet,
it’s going to sound terrible
and that’s okay,
you’ll get used to it,
tremors will send
pain to your veins
like broken tea bags

don’t sleep,
eat terribly,
put turkey on
bread and keep
the skin on,
have a beer with
every meal
have whiskey with
every meal,
it doesn’t matter

hurt and feel bad,
know you’ll keep hurting
and keep *******
keep drinking,
read your mistakes
bookmark them,
you’ll keep coming back,

smoke cigarettes and
don't cry,  
fear death only when
you're dead,
and have a thin wallet,
there’s no such thing
as a rich poet,
cause we’re all
broken in some way.
Take this with humour.
Was doin' so well, so strong
What does the word strong even really mean
Bows and arrows on my back
A moon stamped forever whenever people ask
I say for my Philadelphia women.

Swan legs
Today it did hit me like an avalanche
And somehow in the last few hours
As I perused and watched over the art
That I've made with my bare hands
I realized it all makes sense.

I know you are angry
And secretly very sad
The women around me judge your madness
Your own best friends tell me I'm better off
I was feeling so resilient, so brave
And something today
Perhaps carried over from Friday night
When I tried to reach you
And realized I no longer could
So I slept in all my paint.

Theres no man to take the shoes off my weary feet
At this singular moment
I don't have a love to be frustrated with for his attitude
But I cooked myself a real nice dinner
Gabbing and venting on the phone
I go to bed alone.

I stayed up late tonight
To get it all done.
And it makes me think back to how impatient you would become
One time, only once
After we were all over
If only for that fleeting moment did we act like
"Obviously loved each other"
Note: e-d
Past tense.
I reread it and read it
I felt the ****** urge to cry
But the well up inside me
Could only let out a whiff or weeze or two.
I try to think of quotes now or poetic words
To tagline my movie that so clearly is gutted with us
But really,
Not really.

I see now in my minds eye
Yes, you absolutely did me wrong
My mother becomes heated and repeated
On the phone as I travel underground
I look around at my colorful life
Filled with spontaneity, holy hell so much newness
I'm starting to really settle settle in here
And not in that gross comfortable way
Everyone is right
You were just a harmful distraction.

But the feelings and reality now
Is that I must face that you have so hastily moved on
Slapped a sandwich with too much mayo
And forgotten your lettuce
But I'll always be a spinach girl.

Sour gummy worms
Combos cheddar cheese
Lime lemon gatorade
Ninja Turtles
Marty McFly
Your very favorite things.

Thats all I can think of.
I fell asleep last night thinking
How we watched Candy
And then we too,

I wish I could say that I hope you are happy
But I feel mostly regret, sadness, anger
The utmost betrayal
And it makes me think and ponder
How easy it is to get caught up
In all of those very words
In all of those very feelings
And it reminds me of being a 14 year old girl
Locking myself in my bathroom
Wanting my life to end
Because the first love of my life
Had seemed to have completely disappeared.

I don't know what any of it means
You made the comment once that my poems
Were getting longer
This one may be the longest in quite some time.

And it feels so good to write
It feels so good to visually create the words
I hear all day long in my head
But most of the time I don't even write
All the phrases and voices
Poetic intricacies

Periwinkle sweatshirt
******* how it hurt
I think back to the moments you really fawned over me
Crazy colorful hair
Or the night I danced at the Gentleman's Club

So I guess this new woman sleeps in your bed
Probably every other night
You stay at her place
I am sure you create dividing lines
Of you and her
Her and you
Perhaps she keeps her mouth shut
I heard she was nothin' special
A vape model
I don't even know what that means.

Remember when
You claimed I would someday be your wife?

Good riddance
Everyone close to me in my life hates you.
Its really quite a shame
I don't know what the future holds
But you don't even want to be friends
But its a retort, a threat
Filled with too much ***** and immaturity
Or all of the post it notes you never wrote me
I remembered dumping out the bottle of red wine today
And felt so glad, so glad
I followed my gut instinct
To pour your remains into
The drain
God bless. God bless.
I say in my most southern way.
I'll look back at this and laugh very soon
As times right this moment definitely border
The most difficult in my womanhood
Everything use to be
Everything just is
So big, so loud, so complex
So full

And sometimes I just don't want to leave the safety of my room.
But tomorrow is a new day
I'll pray to the moon, the stars
I'm so glad you aren't meant to be my sun king
But good try, good try
We can all laugh like bobble heads on fire
You couldn't keep up.
I was told today
And thats okay
Because I know you grip and sweat spite

Because I'll always be
Not just "The One"
Or the woman who told you not to call me "girl"
"Beautiful girl"
Or all of the phrases you so clearly
Recycled and used to swoon before
But I'll just be and always remain
A beautiful, biggest romantic love of your life
Literal ink stain

The swan that got away.
(And she freed herself into the ocean.)
My first screening while living in Chicago < Halloween Night

You cheated on me the night before my screening.

When I was in my darkest and most raw moment.

You decided.

But then you didn't even
Dress up in the blades I bought you on Amazon
For all hallows eve.

So I went to sleep in blue paint with another man while rolling on ecstasy for the first time that night.

You overheard and were so angry.

But you didn't come to my screening.
I cried all the way home over the phone
When you revealed what you had done.

The utmost betrayal.
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