I fell in love with the sky tonight.
it was so open and so big.
The stars were shinning so bright just like the city light ahead of us.
I lay at the sidewalk of the San Juan Memorial & felt at peace.
Feeling the breeze that the ocean waves were creating.
The path was dark which made it better to see the stars and all the city lights.
it was perfect
It was super late….
3am
but it was perfect.

Walking on this dark road back to the car, i feel happy but tired
Suddenly as i keep looking down to my feet with a hoodie over my head,
YOU pop up.
WHY you?
It felt like a arrow just hit my chest
i suddenly thought of u after a while of not having a single thought ,
I was on the edge of crying.
i shook my head, trying to stop myself.
I walked way ahead of everyone else just so they dont see my face and ask if i was ok.
NO IM NOT OK
Im glad one of the girls kept an eye on me and helped me slow down because idk where i was going and i wasnt thinking.
I just walked.
I could’ve done something stupid
Thanks to her i didnt.
I was forming fists with my hands.
I got to a dead end of this walk.
The girl held my arm gently then my hand and helped me get back on the right path.
i dont know her.
we just met.
i dont even know her name.
BUT she was nice.

WHY U GOTTA POP BACK UP?
UGH!
I HATE U!
I LOVE YOU!
OH MY GOD, I DONT KNOW ANYMORE!
I JUST WANNA GO HOME!

Its been 5 months…..

& I know im still in love with you…

You still cross my mind everyday.

There is always something that reminds me of you, or something I wish we couldve done together.

Im sure you know i still care for you & still love you by the way I talk to you when you message me on Kik. We have cute conversations no matter how strange they be, there is still a connection between you & me.

I was asked by a friend:

“Do you think you’ll get back together?”

I told her I wasnt sure.

No for right now but YES for the future.

I told her I do have hope that one day in the future when we are a little older& wiser that if we bump into each other & still feel that connection we always had since the beginning…..then I hope that we get back together & give it another go :)

I cant give up on HOPE….so if it comes true in the future with you and I….then it would be a dream come true…. because I know that once I see you again, my heart will skip a beat & Ill know I still LOVE YOU…… ♡

I wish you good luck,
Good luck in finding someone who is willing to actually be patient with you…
someone who will sit down & listen to your pointless drama that you had with your family or friends
Someone who will HOLD you when they see you cry in front of them
Someone who will try and HELP some way that is possible
Someone who is willing to STAY even though you try to push them away when you’re mad at something randomly
Someone who sends you a “Good Morning Beautiful” text every morning just to put a SMILE on your face…
Good luck finding someone who is willing to actually LOVE you even though you can be mean & violent sometimes when youre upset.
I wish you good luck finding someone who is willing to put up with your Bipolar and try their best to understand you…
because its all I ever done for you…
I was good to you. 
Never once have I raised my voice, 
never once have I gotten violent or mad with you 
But you walked away…
and now you said you didnt love me…
You couldnt handle the 1 hour distance…
When you realize how good I was to you & that you will not find someone with the same kind heart & patience as me…
You’ll realize iv moved on…
You try to apologize and try to hold on to me again but…
im sorry…
IM GONE.

I know I love this girl so much & care so much about her when I feel like breaking down when something happens to her.

Why do bad luck or stressful things happen to her?

God, why would you plan a stressful life for a beautiful girl like her?

Why would you plan a life like this for someone?

God, I know you put me in her path for a reason & I tend to take that challenge.

Did you put me in her path so she can have someone like me to keep her alive?

Did you put me in her path so she can have someone as caring as me to make her smile?

To make her day better?

To show her that not everyone is the same and that there is someone out there that wont give up on her?

Someone who will show her love and care?

I don’t know your plan but I plan to stay where you put me

To stay there for her

To love her

To care for her

To keep her alive and to show her im there for her no matter what unlike people who treat her like trash.

 

God, can I ask you for a favor?

Can you watch over my girl for me when im not able to? Can you give us both hope for us to be together?

Please…..

IM BEGGING YOU….

Give her strength to hold on

I want to be with her…

I want to be the reason shes happy and alive and the one person she can turn to when she needs me…

 

When shes happy

Im happy

When shes sad

Im sad

When shes stressed or doesn’t feel good because of her anxiety attacks

I feel like breaking down because I wish she didn’t have to go through this ****

I never felt like this for anyone

I just felt sorry for other people and hope they get better

But for my girl….

Its like I can feel her pain even though I never felt it before myself….

I just want to break down and cry because  I WANT TO BE THERE FOR HER!! I WANT TO ACTUALLY BE THERE TO GIVE HER A HUG AND MAKING SURE SHE DON’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERYTHING ALONE even though she tells me that she prefers to go through it alone….

I know I CANT fix everything but I CAN be there for her…..

I want to be the person that will take all her dark smoke she has holding inside from her depression….

I want to be the one to put light and hope inside her and let her know she will be alright…

 

She told me she wants to start new once she graduates high school

She wants to start a new life without the negative people that brought her down to this…

& I want to be the person to be there when she starts new

I want to be in her new life making her happy….

If I lose her, I wont know what to do anymore…

Its scary….

Because I have hope for us and want the best for her

The best for both of us…

My world might just end if I lose her

So I pray every night that we will have a good life together

Because its what I want

Its what I want for the both of us

For god’s sakes

Please…………

Shes this girl who needs someone…..

Shes this girl who still has a brick wall up so nobody can break her heart again…..

Shes this girl who needs me….

She cant let me go as for I cant do it either….

I care for her way too much to just let go…

Her emotions gets to her sometimes but that doesn’t stop me …

It wont stop me from loving her….

Loving her til my heart stops beating …

or even then……

 

We met that one day for the first time…

She this girl that ran to me as fast as she could…

With all her might….

Feeling free for the first time in a long time

only for a hug…

A hug that showed our happiness…

Her freedom….

A hug that shows the power of our love……

The love that she needs and want…

The big smile on her face made me smile & made me say …..

“So this is how love is? im liking this” …

The one girl im starting to love….

The one girl I actually want ….

The one girl who trusts me enough to let me hold her heart and make sure it don’t break into pieces…

Again

She trusts me….

I want her to trust me ….

I want her to Love me as much as I love her.

 

As we walked into the woods

She held my hand so gently

We walked to the small stream just to show her how beautiful it can be…

My leg slipped into the water & she laughs

Her laugh is perfect

Her laugh is what makes me smile

Her laugh is like music to my ears

Her smile is PERFECT

So perfect that I wouldn’t change it

 

Everything around us was so peaceful

The sky

The trees

Our breaths

Our hearts

 

Walking back…

I kissed her scars…

I turned my head to her

The first perfect kiss was made

A kiss with passion

A kiss of love

A kiss so amazing that will never be forgetten

Our hearts were saying to kiss again……

  

Arriving in my room

So quickly we kissed

With so much passion in our hearts

Pinning me against the wall

Showing me her passionate love

The world around us seemed to disappear

It’s a good feeling because now……..

im addicted to this love

Late Nights…

wide awake

trying to sleep

so much in my head…

memories….

get my heart broken

& this is how i end up..

wide awake with my phone

laptop

& music blasting in my ears…

Thinking about everything:

-memories from 2014

-how i made it out of high school

-how i came out to of the closet

-how i fell in love with this girl & got my heart broken by her in just 3 months

-how will my life be this year

-how i met a new girl but shes leaving in a month & i want her to stay but i have to let her go

 A LOT of things just running through my head 

sometimes its like a riot

& i dont know how to stop it

Late nights are just every night 

where my thoughts are more active 

i cant control them

sometimes i just wanna shut my mind off

& sleep until im all healed

wake up all new and ready for anything again

Late nights are so quite

my thoughts are too loud 

……………….

Music ON

….

World….

OFF!