Very much like the idea of energy never been made nor lost
This love isn't disappearing
It's converting
Into something more stable and manegable and malleable and sustainable

My mind had started to slow.
    Reverse this process
                     Let me go
                              Fast
My lungs become a freezer
           To hold the
                           Fire Ice
Close my eyes and feel the crystal-
                                     -ized
Ether poison of horridly wonderous taste.
         Feeling better
Not fast enough in my haste.
   While this is nice
              I want to FEEL the
                         Fire Ice
Rock to powder
               Powder to lines lines lines
          Lines that lie
With the promise of power
                Exhale, inhale
The burn I yearned
     Tears
            Feeling better burning higher
      From the
                            Fire Ice

eyes so tired
sinking into oblivion
searching to find
*love

Once I wore Yoga Pants to school
That day I got asked out 3 times
All nice guys
All nice people
But I said no to all of them
Why?
Because something about those
pants made them see something
they hadn't noticed before
And I didn't like that.
I didn't like the fact that they didn't
see who I was in a **** dress
or in jeans
or in other clothes
All they noticed was how my ****
looked in Yoga Pants
I wanted them to ask me out
when I wasn't wearing tight pants
*Is that too much to ask?

Inspiration doesn't strike me
I feel I have to earn it

My heart says,
       Write, for you have words to say
          Words to be heard
             Words to be thought on

My heart and head do not converse
I know this
As my hands are still frozen
There is no inspiration

Those slender arms
pale fingers
covered in blood

Loud whisper of leaves
touched by the wind

Bare feet stir the ground
covered in crimson

Death comes at once
mad laughter the witness

I look up and wear my best smile.
I say cheese just for
an added effect
plus a free cute little chuckle
they will surely buy into it now!
Falling into the trap that
I am ok
Even though
I'm not

I used to be able to go places
not caring about appearance.
But others stared.
I was the weird kid who didn't
smile
laugh
frown
or cry.
Apparently if I don't look the part
I become an outcast.
People tried to guess my problems

     Maybe she needs counseling.
     Have u considered ADHD?
     Is she depressed?


They wouldn't stop.
The questions surrounded me
I would lie awake wondering
"What are the theories they made today?"
I couldn't take it anymore.


I
Put
The
Mask
Back
On

I hated it but there were
too many questions;
my reasons became
less and less
believable,
and
more and more
suspicious.

I aways wear the mask now.
Can't forget to smile!
Say cheese!
Oh and laugh at that,
I imagine it was a joke.
Take that smile off now,
they might be saying something serious.
Wrinkle your forehead,
As if you are confused.
Because that's what normal people do.
I think.
And no matter what, don't take the mask off again.
Because they will know
this time
that it was all
just an act,
right from the start.

I look down hoping to see
something other than what I already know.
My God will be
oh-so disappointed
if I have actually done it.
Maybe I didn't.
Maybe its just my imagination.

But I feel it.
That
oozy
sticky
runny
warm
thick
trickle
runs down my am in
a beautiful
glossy
flawless
crimson.
I am so ashamed
but yet so relieved.
I feel like relieved is a wrenched thing to say.
It probably is.
But my morals died
the first time
the razor
and my skin
collided.

And as I stand here,
in awe of my art,
I realize that
oh ****
I have left a little pool
on the floor
and oh ****
it might stain.

But I don't want to clean it.

It catches the light in a certain magical way.

Does this make me evil?
Or simply confused?
Maybe my mind is not working
because I'm just in awe
of these
sick and twisted
but revitalizing
cuts.