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 Dec 2016 Jasmin A
Alice Baker
I knock on the door, shaking.
They answer, tell me to come in.
"I am not my self" I say.
"That's okay" they say.
I hesitate, brace for impact.
"Its okay" they say.
I stumble, asking for forgiveness.
"For what?" they say.
"For everything"

The past four years have been a triumph of self loathing, of learning to apologize while regretting saying sorry.  I have felt I am not even a person without a bottle or a pill. I do not know where my story began, and where I wish it ended. But I am slowly learning to be okay, to accept myself, I think that is why it has taken me such a long time to write.

The thing is, I don't know who I am, I have been a couple different souls: some are weak, some are strong, some are as passive as ocean sand.

I'm 22, female, and lost.  

I have contemplated death many times, I've attempted it even more.  If you are still reading I applaud you.  Bless your soul.

Sincerely,
Still alive
every dog has its day,
every day has its dog
if you claw your way
into the lap of the gods.

© Matthew Harlovic
 Dec 2016 Jasmin A
Jor For
No vacuum jet engined cleaning appliance can sound like mountain wind drivin through leaf bare trees. Like a a wood peckers nonchalant brain damage or a boiling something in this woods.
The boiling is jabbing my brain like impatient school nun with rulers.
I'm almost there. I almost got it.
Stream of conscious *******
Golden wings flutter lightly across the back of my hand, relaying to me traces of dreams only their feeble minds could capture. Soft, flickering melodies descend through their grey, wintry-like gazes, as their quiet thoughts echo through their silent, fragile words. Endless emotions reverberate from the walls of their minds, as I gaze at their rapid movement, endeavoring to weave their tales together. Still, reality and fantasy keep swimming aimlessly across my brain until finally, finally, I stroke the blank page with my pen.
  One by one, those butterflies stop, as they scrutinize the wondrous obsession which led to my desire, my passion. They watch as my fingers drum impatiently against the page, somehow sensing the troubled confines of my imagination. It wasn’t long before they stop floating by. Instead, they begin to watch me, with those intelligent, naive eyes of theirs. Whether it be from confusion or amusement, I couldn’t tell.
  Still, even with my now small audience gathering near, I am left only with a memory of what once was my own. I could only pick up my pen, and write down their movements, their thoughts and emotions, the curiosities and sanities that possessed them to be near me. I wrote down the beauty of their strong, fragile wings, all the while keeping their quiet sonnets to myself. I read and reread, write and rewrite, until there was nothing left of the forgotten, neglected space I once dreamt of.
  And so, I could only gaze back at the butterflies from my own madness, all the while looking back at the page I filled with my own words. Black words, golden words, words that carried both blessings and curses, words that tore my heart asunder, while keeping my sanity whole. Then, in that same breath, I shoo my butterflies away.
  I begin my story.
Because characters are people too, and they can be so very annoying.
 Dec 2016 Jasmin A
Blossom
Looking at your sleeping figure for the last time
Sprawled across the comfiest couch we have ever slept on
I smile as softly as your snores that barely fill the room
Give your left cheek a swift kiss
As my silent goodbye you'll never know I gave

I slowly tuck the blanket around your hips and chest
Knowing how much you need to be held on to
Then walk out the familiar door I will never see again
Turning off my hurting heart the same way
I am forced to turn that golden, squeaky doorknob closed
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