When my life, time, this experience
Of mine is ended and I return home
I know that I impacted very little
No grand actions will my name be known for.  Not good or bad.  Most I've noticed are thought of, missed, mourned for, no more than two generations after passing and those are the very best of the best lived.  No I'm one to be quickly forgotten.  Save for my son.  I've as a friend been inattentive.  Lover? Well, short term.  Never the one.  Never ever after.  Family will miss me slightly more than others that have only barely bothered to attempt at learning anything about who I was.  Just my son.  That he will keep me in his heart is all the peace I can ask for.  All I will need at the time of passing.  Though if I taught him and it took he will miss me but when in memories find himself laughing.  As it was all I lived for was to see his joy or hear his laugh so I tried endlessly to create only the best, only the happy memories by which to own my legacy.

Witness within
without control
watching The systematic
sabotage of something
good being broken
It was my voice, but
all too strongly
laced with malice
My words sent
by my device and typed
out by hands
like mine
Hurtful
accusations that
I knew
could not be true
Blame and
shame
and petty thinking
were tools
that ruined
I fought, but I couldn't
make my mind stop
racing
Only break
a little more inside
knowing
the consequences
She would hate me,
put up walls and take
away new roads
Rightly so,
I know how unstable
my cursed and
That hated self Looks
to those that
stand close when it
gets out
more than once
lost
had to go alone
following
Each time
I've been passanger
witness within Again
and again
and I know,
that our connection
it broke
Is gone
for no good,
I hate him
I hate that
I am
him
to the world outside
of my skin

Before I acknowledge
This vessel, these surroundings
From within, this vantage
Resting comfortably
upon a pillow
I take measure, this life
So pours forth my gratitude
In concert the steady cadence
This heart, filled in love
Joy and those dearest
As I simply breathe
And appreciate
Another day ahead of me.

Unremarkable, therein lays the unresolved.
I long after special, treasured, vaguely memorable.
Perhaps this is a folly on my part, wanting
As here I sit, hesitant, gazing out of the window.
Same as the last, the one before, prior, after.
This routine spoils the hungry fire and dims the brilliant light within.
Colors seem different, shaded, washed in grey.
Opening the door I dutifully commit myself,.. once more
The beginning, here at another day.

It's intensity is consuming
Frighteningly all incompassing

Flashes of bright brilliant need
Hunger and heart crushing pain

Boiling new and old ache
It rises and is my world

All at once, all I know and how
It demands that pressure be bled

Straining containment
Poetic explosions errupt
Volcanically ejecting line after line

All I can do is attempt sense
As I let the beast go

Screaming silently at the world

To get it out before
I am but embers, dieing out

Amidst the smoke and wind

I let a fool hearted notion in

Same as before,
now I know it

That half of me, never quits

It only wants
as it does, love

Knows no end to patience

Feels not this ache,
nor this weight

Simply that the loss is not

The way the foolish man ends

So I suffer again
and I know it

the ****** up fact
that I'm an idiot.

Sweet bitterness is this recollection

I am hurting in countless ways

Outwardly this shell I witness
Has begun it's declining dive

To depth of self loathing deep

Knowing that I am alone

Still it is my own sadness

I hold on to even here at the end

The precipice I hesitate in aching

Mourning over my choices

Over you

Don't pretend to understand
The pain from my angle.
To your living you cannot  
No matter how pure you are
Good intentions and Well wishes
Are expected where as she,
They will be along
when least Expected.
I've given up so that proves this
As complete *******
Doesn't it?
You've got some one,  holding you down. I am only now starting to see
They all are better off without me.  
Only now dealing with never knowing
Real love, from the type to walk away.  
It's hard to be alright with if I die alone.  When.  I meet far far less that actually see me

Don't they say
They know me
But I don't
know anything
Now that is
Off and out of place
Yet I am here
Where my heart is
Mattering nothing
To very very little
If at all
Leads me to then
I am impatient
Mostly tired
Sick throughout
Endings are lasting
Hellos require judgement
I am simple
And I am tired
Me here alone
Always within
And literally
In the present
Home comes after
After is the door
With no latch
No handle
Enter by invitation
None without

All I try

Nobody beside me.

The reason

I lay awake

I'm not alright.

Tired and

Not finding life

No joy

So lonely inside

Contemplating

Why not me?

Can't I?

Don't like this

Darkness

Thoughts and sighing

Solitary and used

Qualities

Meaningless as asking?

Alone.

Terrifyingly ready.

Myself.

Two pools of grey blue envy
Are they, them,
flawed and positioned
Better at false ways
or lessoned

Lovers of the love
that loves me not
Or in her own words
crossed the lips
Perfect and missed,

now differently
Friends,
yes I miss this
so I accept

To listen
to how the others,
them, they
Meant so much
more,
then I will ever

Ever did, will know
though so polarized
are the views, the needs,

my own wants,
and never to be
desires us as
Friends,
co creators,
bound by legacy

But green eyes visions
of my measure
Never were as lofty
as ego whispered

I foolishly wanted,
I thought, I was enough,
to love to keep,
but...

Did she ever, once,
briefly, momentarily,
no... I think not.

I may look but not touch
Love
from distance,

and consider my luck
to be friends
and not lovers

They
fill out that place,
in her wants

What have I not,
that they replace.  
When love is all I know

and hold and so
the reason
I suffer and hurt anew
As friends
so close, but...
Not.

To not be wanted
Well, then it should be simple
No need for awkwardly
Nor is there an inkling
Same with doubts,
No more pleading
Or pretending it didn't hurt
Clean finality in it I guess
Simple. Selfish.
Not being wanted.
But not what you want
So simple isn't real
It is brutal and honest

A lot of this rotten ending
Is at its core, mine, my fault.
I know it now, as i then could not
See it for an awful, unfortunate
Though those words fail,
Falling short of all I cost, us.
So much, too much for a choice
One, miscalculation of an emotion
Keystone in importance, it was
To lie or act falsely I was not
I could not, because I was in love
With one like I never knew
Love was abundant, cherished
More so than I held for life itself
Therein lays the real reason, love
I chose to love you with all I had
Every last fraction of myself
I gave freely, I wanted for you to have
Every bit of how I was feeling
The thrill and the beating chest
Ache that made life worth living
My mistake came as consequence
The cause and effect,
I wish I had seen this, I didn't
Known before one can give,
So very much, one must have
Accepted the equal amount
Not from another, from oneself
I never learned how to, or the importance, see?
to love you, came natural easy, but
Having never loved myself.
And for this, to us
I say I am so, so, very sorry.
That this part of
Of this, of then, of us
what was, and isn't
Was my fault.  
Now loving myself
Us far more difficult
It begins with forgiving
That is where I am now.

If an artists placed intent
Found or fell upon me previous

If that moment were the muse
Talented articulating digits
Any shade pencil and finest stock
Would not draw me then in colors

If that artisan waited, watched
The angel apparition's arrival
The grey and paper composition
Bleeds anew, colors washing through

That day we met
That vibrant yellow hue
Was hope

So long had I none in me
Felt not, endlessly

Upon my eyes you fell
My heart, when you spoke sang
Your gentle voice an ivory white
Brilliant and feather light floating

Such color in a life unattended
Such contrast as to balance
My love struck eyes knew
That I must not lose such sight

That artists drawing
Was of me previous
To the moment I met you.