in a moment i’m a child
my eyes heavy in the back seat
a highway hymn and i’m nodding off
the tires singing on asphalt
the train rattling, perfectly distant

i fall awake as the car bends
through glass i meet
the curb we last saw your bicycle

i remember you ran away that night
off something no one really said
or really did
but you decided that ghosts
would be better at explaining

pedaling faster— until launching
forehead gashed, again
no emergency visit this time
in a reality made of rust
and rubber, you lost grip
a victim of your own imagination

i know we moved years ago
but i still come to the bend
just to see the way they paved over the grass
the wheels still turning
in my manufactured memory
your spirit rising, or smoking
i feel you here, still
and it hurts you don’t miss me
and i keep saying you’ll come around
but i forget that’s the kind of ending you only watch in movies
and i forget what channel we were on
before the power went out

How can you run when you know?
⁃Neil Young

America,
Our words won’t shake the world enough to grow flowers out of gunpowder, or bright red, blood-curdling screams.

But we can try

These kids were 14 when they closed their eyes for the last time
They were 14 when the stepped out their front doors for the last time,
Their fresh eyes were swallowed out the back of their necks

I look at them the way I look at a blank canvas
Opportunity cascading like waterfalls
I look at them as a museum that was waiting for art
Waiting for love
And America
I am waiting for love

I was 14 and I was stuck in my own head
Trying to find something to belong to but searching in all the wrong places.
I was 14 and I too thought more about ending my own life than I would like to admit
I was 14 and I never watched the news because it never pertained to me

You see,
I was selfish for thinking the news never pertained to me
I was selfish for staying so disengaged, desensitized
America, my home, my nightmare
Wake up
Blame the video games, blame mental illness
But America, look
You’re killing your children

Wake up,
Because I am sick of praying
I am so tired of feeling helpless
Maybe there’s something we can do
Let's make our voices heard
Let's turn our lost blood to ink
And scream to ******* artist himself,

I’m sorry, Mr. President
But, did you get more than you bargained for?
We’ve been patient Mr. President
And we’re ready for your response.
Wake up, Mr. President
How many lives must be lost?
You’re a ******* artist, Mr. President,
But you can’t worm your way out this time
Don’t choke now Mr. President
This problem is kinda huge.
This country is a divided wrist, Mr. President
And your stubborn orange skin makes it seem as if we’re going to lose.

select

delete
are you sure you want to erase this item?
yes continue.

select
delete
are you sure you want to erase the happy times?
...
select
delete

oh, this one too?

select delete all memories
are you -
yes
yes i am sure

i have these ideas i can't seem to get across
just bubbling and fizzing and making a mess
my thoughts my head my notebook undressed

never put me to bed
don't tuck me in
no kiss goodnight
i write
so many places i needed to go
things i needed to buy
things i reminded myself to remember but
I forgot to remember them

words
two or three lines
all meaning something but adding to nothing
i can't finish anyth-

when you have nothing to be sad about
nothing to complain
just the unexplained emptiness
broken up sentences
fogged head
tight chest

they took away my razors
and now they watch me like a hawk
instead tonight maybe i'll touch myself
maybe ill pretend it's you
a feeling worse then sliced skin

the tinged sadness of faded scars
wars ended on bad terms with
no final conclusion
just itchy wrists
diving headfirst into grey
submerged in a numbness
finally a creeping smile across a blank face
perhaps a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply

out of the blue
i'll laugh to myself
your words were untrue
i put our our hearts on a shelf

never drew a line between love and lust
you took cupids arrow and stabbed hearts of trust
i'll bleed out just to see your crooked smile
just gotta pick up the phone and dial

but the numbers were blurry
i couldn't remember
the sounds of the waves
way back last september

been trying to stop myself from feeling
a contact high
a midnight drive
been trying to stop myself from feeling

i'll see you soon

Made love to the puddles
Formed by imaginary friends
Imaginary rain clouded minds
Imaginary people
Imaginary boundaries
Keeping ones heart away
Ripping
Tearing
Bursting at the seams

Water pours into a glass
A pessimistic stream
Filled to the brim
But claims a half empty life
Uncovering skeletons
Digging up a half buried knife

A body a waterfall
Pressurized, cascading
A river of consciousness
Floodgates, brainwaves
High tide, kisses the shore
Like clasping clammy hands
Nervous souls
Too afraid to try
Too afraid to dive
Not afraid to die

Sipping something strong
through commercialized styrofoam cups
Tighten your jaw
Steady your lips
We're all parasites
Attaching our hips  
Breathing in moonbeams
collecting dust
Wrapping our heads around
Whirlwind
Motion sickness

we have yet to close the eyes of our youth
we stick their hands into a boiling ***
cover their ears from the slight moan of truth
feeding sweet nothings till their teeth rot

age seven
yet petrified of existence
bliss was tangible in glimpses of innocence

ever feel so scraped off the earth
as if a surface was mopped clean in your absence
ever feel life was a mistake since birth
you bury your hands under blankets and sheets

high 70's the sun is shining
but im pessimistic moonkissed and turning pale
chest rising and falling in a fitted box
a resting coffin in fort Lauderdale

a maddening mood
meditating to a simpler tune
immune to absolute ammenitiy
we lost our minds searching for serenity

There's been a ringing
In my ears
A pain in my throat
Bottle these words inside an eloquent note
Wash upon the sea
These bones, these hands, these knees
Crawling
But never back to you
February 29, 2016 3:47 am

Every night I feel the gun reload
Expload inside this old head of mine
Unlocking this virtual mountain
I'll eventually  have to climb
Rain seeps in the soles of my shoes
A train creeps in my rear view
Depressed something manic
Stressed and I overthink I panic
Night turns to day
My mind decays
My body lay still
Cars passing out the windowsill
and with an evanescent glance
spilt dirt over a hideously fleeting romance
And with a kiss of a razor
My vessel collided, a glacier
You took me by my swollen wrist
Pain stricken by a twisted kiss
Tongue tied and mechanic
Young love sank the titanic

Your blue eyes are ice cold
Frost bitten veins
Numbing the thought of your resting head on my pillowcases
I don't feel a thing

And maybe we're all a little burnt out
Pinched nerves voices shout
Inside my head this
Roller coaster is only going up
Anticipation
And
Regret
Swim inside my plastic cup

12:13 it's time to revive a mind
Been so long it seems the place has died
Crawled so far, Dug so deep
The brain cells muddled and weak

Into the back wall of my skull
Every bit lip every hair pull
Thriving in conditions humid and moist
Blank stares and numb hands were never my first choice

The ceiling inches towards
And the walls cave in
Motionless finally still
My bed is a sea of swarming ant hills
Fire red and a thirst for chaos
The world spins, a petty life lost

Abandoned Unkempt
Letters sealed but never stamped
Petty crimes and petty lives
Blood stained newly wed wives
Lilac scented angelic ****
We are flowers taking form

2:03 am 1/07/16*
Stream of consciousness
My head is exploding and voices are screaming in my head
I lay here in a frozen bed amongst frozen sheets and icy skin and my frozen mind begins to gnaw at my insides and claw and claw and claw*


My nose is cold and hands are shaking... Breathe in breath out
Moments of clarity and disparity
You took my hand when you should have let me drown
My room is the same temperature as the stars outside and I'm here staring out my window watching my hot breath fog the cars and I'm screaming at the hidden sun asking why
it always sets behind the tall trees and I wonder
Because if I was a sunset id cast along the sea... I cast my rays until I made sure everyone could see but then I realized.... And I made myself sick
A humble sun never
wanted to lure
A humble sun was there when you needed something to hope for
But is dark
The sky is cold
My skin burns
The pain has once awakened me
but the wind has seeped
into my veins
numb
Lifeless
To hell they said
But what for....
Darling,
it seems I'm already dead

When you carry the weight of worlds
Soak up like a sponge
Wring out the pain
Wash over a lie
Smile
There are many forms to the sickness
My mind is fogged up cloud mist
Leaking imagination
Bleeding color
Gray

You're sweet talking misery
And death wants a try
We'll all take turns, spin this wheel
We'll never ask why

Come dear, walk with me
I'll show you a world that will bring you to your knees
The souls are dark the sun is low
A record we spin we spin, oh
We'll take our chances dizzy and scratched
Sometimes your the candle sometimes your the match

And it's one am and my eyes are wide
My heads ******
Thoughts are like car tires
Pulled out of the muck
Mind formed on brain mounds
Matter and debris
Burnt rubber
Whispers in the corner
Soft enough to make you scream  
We live
We love
We succumbed to this wondrous disease

And there used to be an woman behind my door as I slept
Awoken, uneasy at the edge of my bed as  I wept
For days and weeks my eyes would cry
Tossing and turning
All that lives must surely die

The woman spoke in expressions
Her face contorted and her eyes all black
A way out I suppose, a final escape
Her thoughts are armed words... Prepared for attack

The woman in my dreams is unknown
She visits unexpected
She visits briefly, seeming to have no purpose at all
She hasn't a name
She hasn't a face
A simple woman
A blue coat
A hunched back
Uneasy, yet comforted

I thank this woman
I do not know
I thank this woman

The edge of my bed grows further away
Time may mends the wounds
But you just wish the people could stay

Reaching out towards hands cold as ice
The feet he danced in a month ago
The veins blood flourished weeks ago
The heart that loved days ago
Stiffened bodies shattering hearts
His face now reads calm
Our heads are shaking

wake up
*wake up, god ******, wake up

Help me stabilize
Intoxicated roads
Slurred sentences
Sipping away drifting apart

We exist in rain coated streets
Red and blue blaring
The sirens that simply take
There's no comfort in these sheets

A drink to think
A smoke to cope
A lie to hide
A note and rope

A lukewarm December
But my soul grows colder
Scraping my skin, ice, dirt off my shoulder
Chilling my spine
You body bleeds cherry wine

Dreams of a white haired horse
Summer night, quiet
Swinging chairs on the wooden porch

Is it better to be left alone
Time for your mind to freely roam
Or feel like no one is listening
You drown in explanations
You sink under

Staying awake is as hard as falling asleep
Followed by demons
Followed by voices
The sounds they creep into my skull
My thought out thoughts are boring and dull

I fade out in my words
Clinging to each word you haven't heard

....

*This poem will fade out as well
I realized I'm a sad contradiction
If you read this far.... I'm sorry

Resonate in my breast bone
My ribs cage my heavy heart
As the strings play a soft song
A song only for us to hear
We sing along

how long will you be invincible
pertaining to feelings far too visceral
toxic tears stain glass faces
glass hearts shatter leaving no traces

and how long will you stay asleep
lie after lie, how many secrets will you keep
so close to death but you can't wake up
a car crash was never enough

mindful of the people you manipulate
become in tune with the words you articulate
bent to their knees, bent to your whim
everything thing they do, they do it for him

the boy is a mastermind
no concept of time
his vision blurred his head spun
I know now why it hurts to stare at the sun

What it is to be numb
Creep inside my mind
I live for the moment
To see the color of your eyes once more
The struggles they hide
Those sorry eyes

I never meant to harm
But the battles lost on bare arms
A war without a victor
Synchronized... We pull the trigger

But I forgot the way your lips felt and I'm
Sickened by the absence of your laughter
My attempted fix was all too late
Our days of being something great
When you gave me all you had
I just wanted to give something back
But being something to someone,
And coming up short
And emptied out heart I was never enough
Realizing that this was going to be tough
Backing down to leave room for someone else to take my place
Quick, painless to leave without a trace

Some call it treason
My actions without reason
Turned away on what once was
I never wanted to be the cause

You needed closure
Now I'm one step closer
To find an answer dreaming
Useless misunderstood meaning
Insomniacs do they dare
Sleep is but a begged nightmare

An explanation, darling
For this life, we're just learning
A method to my madness, dear
raw open wounds, decisions unclear
Neglect and shots from the cannon
Love wrecked and abandoned

I can't bear to be the tear from your eye
Honest I've tried
The damage is done
And sometimes wish that I was gone
I hope you find her out there
She'll be able to prove, show love, show care
The girl who can mend your stubborn heart
she'll treat you as you are, a work of art

And how does one recover
If it effects you everyday
And you can't take back the things you did
Or the things you had to say

I don't see how I'll ever breathe easy
Becoming a monster so beastly
Days and weeks without feeling sober
Wishing for the day this will all be over
I want to detach myself from this life
A silent night, suicide

tick tick tick tock
blood drips down from the hands of the grandfather clock
slowly surely
time stops for no one

swift motions
tide notions
bottle slips, add more to the potion
overdoses
sinking
the bottom is where we collide with ourselves
a realization
the prison in which we have been stationed
no metal bars
no space confinement

blood soaked sponge
only frozen mouths
staggering steps, a drunken lunge
incarcerated swollen minds

these green eyes hide weapons of mass destruction
those green eyes could ****
targeting ones own skin and bones
at the girls will

The lullaby
That's she played
On heart strings and razor blades
The sound was heard, sweet serenade
The girl was her own hand grenade

Am I awake or am I just breathing
Just want to be proud of a life leading
Now let me rephrase
Sickness sinks this is how I'm feeling
If I was just born to dig an early grave
And like a sitting duck
Smell of rust
Running water

Darling when you're shaking
Death will hold with still hands
This world is too small for our taking

Carefully your mind assembles
Brown eyes turn dead black
Your body trembles
Look down

The void seems empty and bleak
Nothingness is numb and lukewarm
Reaching out now, old bones creek
You begin to vanish into the void


The wells are dry
You choked on that one last wish

Nostalgia is a car wash
Where you're sitting shot gun
Front seat, lets watch the water run

And then we'll drive
Take a scenic path
Bathe in thorns and roses,
A ****** floral casque
Go back to the place we planted roots,
You're born again, lace up your boots
Feet are locked in, we're on the grid
We're alive tonight, everlasting kid

And if we reach an the end in our road
There's a million places we could go
The oceans breeze, or skinned knees
Graceful angles in the snow
The breaks are locked, the car skid
Iced roads tonight, you alright kid?

A highway has potential
Scenic as the scene of the crime
Big trees and pretty flowers
Don't compare to life lines, kid

And fighting for another breath
Someone heard the voices cry,
Is there a heaven? A god or so?
A hell or what's beneath?
Another empty bed, no sleep tonight
The fire in their eyes went out long ago, kid

when choosing colleges this fall
you may want to keep in mind
all of your new experiences
and the old you leave behind

check if they offer good coffee
one that fills a stomach warm
and you must always always ask
if they offer outer space dorms

now, you may have a lot on your plate
as for flying books and new roommates
costly things a school can bring
to keep you there from fall to spring
but i believe you'll fare just fine
in this year's college season time

There were furrows in his brow
Kept his music much too loud
Paper skin and paper grin
To his chest, a heart we'll pin

Veins are ****** tunnels
A carbonated bottle
A lump love funnels,
Bubbles over, feeling sober
Dismal future, no four leaf clover
Afraid to search around for a light
Afraid to wait around and see that it might
Not be all that worthwhile

He lived to take flight
Dark crimson in a ****** vile
Injection withdrawn, thin paper smile
Down below,
Ground is coming near
And before the pavement
A vision was clear

A final thought rummaged through his brain
A blissful blow, a final aching pain
A florescent concussion, an angelic cheer
A temporary life he lived
For it was not death he feared

Tuesday September 8
11:59 pm ~ virtual mind

And maybe I could sleep forever
Until my feet turn to clouds
My souls to dust
I sleep as my limbs grow light
Inching toward a numbness
Like never before

Maybe if I could sleep at all
I'd realize that my dreams are real
The only thing that's make believe
is this life we're all pretending
We're so ******* small
in the scheme of things
Don't you ******* forget that

And my dear,
Don't let your big head get in the way of your beautiful mind
Confine in me, what you never could
I've always counted on a pinkie finger
For a trust as strong as redwood

It's true, the sun will rise
This galaxy is hidden in your eyes
A perfect paradox we saw
Exchanging vows in a funeral hall

With a world so vast and mesmerizing
I tipped the flask that you were hiding
Stream of consciousness, waters rising
Broke the dam,
the lake is stagnant
I've always attracted your sadness
like a magnet

And I know I'm not a mind reader
But ****, I could creep inside
I'm swimming in concrete
You're walking on clouds

Let go of your mental restraints
A lucid defying of limits
For the roadless traveled
is not a road after all

Submerge,
fresh supply of water
Alert,
Every inch of torture

And I'm tired of feeling lukewarm
Lately, just not in the mood
searching for a sensation to fill a ******* adjective
Blank spaces, wrong words
Deemed to numb to live

Reckon I'm Reckless
A wreck when I'm reckless
Tear open my chest
They'll call it love
But love feels like shards of glass
Pierced my heart and vocal chords  
Now, I found the perfect place
Necks can bear a heavy necklace

Headstrong
What's right, what's wrong
Call on the broken mirror
Can't see eye to eye
Overwhelmed by lies, tick the time

And spit the words out, vainly cursed
Pathetic bloodstreams, veins rehearse
Trickle down the back of my mind
Slipping away and the moon is bright

Watched a face turned blue
Confused about "how are you"
And death peered through a window
Fresh bodies, new blood, young girl

Headstrong
What's right what's wrong
Call on the broken mirror
Can't see eye to eye
Overwhelmed by lies, tick the time

The lost, unspoken, ruined regrets
Twisted tongues, burnt cigarettes
Filled to the brim I threw myself into the ocean
Washed up on shore, unsure before
But the salt seeped into my wrists
Sea level rise, afloat miserable bliss

Headstrong
What's right what's wrong
Call on the broken mirror
Can't see eye to eye
Overwhelmed by lies, tick the time

Can't see eye to eye
Overwhelmed by lies, tick the time

And how could anyone have known
That two hearts beat to a car drone
That two minds read music notes
Sipping strong, heavy coats

Stumble up the corridors
Bodies intertwine with the floorboards  
Breathe in breathe out
That's what's life's all about
Take your hand and trace these lines
Lines created, she said "i'm fine"
They fade away like a setting sun

Why didn't she jump?
Was she afraid to fly?

Hinging towards  life's favorite question,
**Why?

And our hands touched the water
Our heads faced the wind
We took a mental picture
Sand salt and skin
Emotions a mixture
Anxiety we've grown akin
And for a while I forgot
And I wasn't sad, I wasn't scared
If anything I was ill-prepared
As this took me by surprise
But the way the moon hit your eyes
Late Thursday night drive
You made me feel alive

Sixteen
Stressed and unimpressed
"Is this all there is"
What ever happened to the dreaming little eight year old  mind set,
imagining the glorious teenage years

Who ever imagined an anxiety ridden problematic teenager who thinks she's got it all under control

In reality she's just a couple of unfinished sentences, a sad contradiction, misunderstood and depressed, and she doesn't know where it ends

Where is the time going,
She locks herself in her room,
she'd rather be alone, but she needs time,
help

she wants someone to notice,
but she's got her stubborn head in the clouds and she's not coming down

You are everywhere at once and no where to be found
The months pass by and the song doesn't make the same sound
And I've got a couple things to say to you
Words that were lost in the storm

The sky never screamed so loud
And I'll never be one to make you proud

If I was the sleeping tiger
Then you poked me with a stick
Anger on a sunny day
My heart reaped fire and gasoline
I pour myself into a paper cup
The poison who laughs as you drink me up

You smothered the flame
Threw me away for fortune and fame
I feel your heart freeze the ice
Reminders of the damage done in my peripherals
You killed me sweetly with a smile
Dreamy summer night funerals

And cold humid hearts strummed along
Muggy lovers
Sticky fingers
Lustful perceptions

You threw me for a loop
Watch your step
Its a heart war, clear the battle field
Here lie the wounded troop

Wrestling your thoughts
Danger is around the corner
Fire is in your eyes and hearts set in motion

Keep moving forward

Your veins are cold
Bleary eyed girl in the backseat
Heads foggy and sick

Anxiety is a trap
You imprison yourself in your own mind
The last bit of optimism is shut down and you cant flip the switch
You are out of control

silent screams
overthinking
*you did this to yourself