She had the habit
To shove her fingers
Down her raw throat
Re-flexing her repetitive gag
Her imperfect eyes, beginning to sag
I asked her what if...
We had a second chance
Belt up your baggy pants

I can feel two sides of me
Ripping my unsteady being apart
Your craziness drove me insane as well
You are still this way
A child with no words could tell
I can't help but repent on the past
In the back of my mind I listen to you yell
No blink of happiness will ever last

I watched a boy hug his mother
Their smiles outshine the tips of damp grass
How I would die to be him
To feel something within
That faint spark of joy
To wrap your arms around the one you love
I wished we had that for each other, mother
Will we have it above?

His wails put a knife to my chest
He can't comprehend the world
Where his mother went
Why his father is never to be seen
Why his family is struggling
Why strangers are so mean
Why school is frustrating
Why danger is obscene

His smile jammed the knife deep down
His mother is trying to get back up
But the only thing coming back up
Is her delayed dinner
He can't express himself
Without making a scene
He just wants to be normal
His normality is aware to me

His struggle pulled the knife out
I tell him that I love him
I laugh at his jokes
I pull his legs into bed at night
I check on his medication
I-I-I
How self centered I am
I need to try harder, stop his confused cries

His future helped me close my eyes
Say good night to the helpless
This strange little boy
That I describe in this rhyme
He is my brother
Can't even tell the time
But he can stand tall
When the world decides to fall

Dear Bliss,
Some day I feel as I I may be able to write an ecstatic poem
Of abstract hues
Of shimmering light
Avoiding the blues
Avoiding the fright

Dear faith,
Some day I feel as if I may be able to write a hopeful poem
Of curious faith
Of embracing hope
Avoiding struggling fate
Avoiding chiseled rope

Dear Me, Myself, and I
Some day I feel as if I may be able to tip toe
Across the ash
Without burning my calloused feat.
Some day

I
Want
           To
                Forgive
                              You,
                        But
              What
           Is
   Left
To
     Forgive
                   With?

I have nothing left
Where is my apology?
Your starving life was only theft
I have nothing left

I'm not sorry
I do not love you
Who was to declare, what was right and wrong?
I know it wasn't you

Help

Mother, mother, I kept your bracelet
Eat your food, won't you taste it?
As clear as mud, the bracelet reads, "****."
The word you mutter in your drowsyness to above
I will wear it, when I choose to perish
Perish, the same way you left me
I'm too far gone to heal the past
I think I caught your mental illness, spreading like a rash

Mother, mother, I kept your bracelet
It is locked up safe, unlike my heart, mend it, case it
I toss and turn in my haunted bed
Broken promises, no affection, some things better left unsaid
I stayed up all night, pressured to organize your scattered medication
Dad hurry home, she's having a seizure again
I tried to hold her down
She put her hand over my mouth when I screamed for help

I can't save you, until your turn around the blame

"Shut the **** up
Or rot in Hell"
I shrieked at my mother
As she scolded me
Her oblivious, furious stare
Making my broken heart unaware
I triggered it
She's going insane

She wouldn't let go of my arm
"Tell him to come back here"
She choked at my father
I saw the Devil in her eyes
Pure craziness
Disgust and despise
Why won't she get out of my life
I have nothing left inside

It took my life not to scream
"You're the reason my life was Hell then
and the reason it's Hell now"
What else do you call
Waking up in your life
To feed your torn down mother
Seeing divorce papers in sight
Only then she decided to hold down supper

You tried to yank me from my fathers arms
An unknown protection
A belt with great harm
I am starting to think
Calling you mother is wrong
You don't own the title
And you don't own me now
Please swallow one more thing for me

...A bottle full of pills
Leave my sorrow soul be

My mother's breath is tainted with alcohol
She's on my floor, sleeping away the dinner she refused to swallow
I try to forget she was never there, and remember how hollow
Her skinny love for me was, and I ate my way into her Hell
The first cigarette, the first drink, the first time I forgot to think
I was induced in her fairy tale, my morals wothout ink, to go on
I tried to slip away, grasp a hint of bliss
I did catch something, and that was a fish

Her name was Autumn
Her hands on my shoulders, mine on her hips
We were one glance away, and this time, it hit
An anchor she was, I left my dreaded life behind
I took her calloused hand, and she took mine
Our pasts weren't us, they were our luggage
We dropped it off far back, buried it, covered it
A pair of suicidal lovers, a kiss above the chin

I was pulled on a thread
Seven months of lies
She was a chameleon
No painful past of cries
She wasn't molested
Her mom wasn't at the end of the line
Her dad didn't abuse her
Now wasn't her time

She left me longing for another
Another Autumn, another lover
I didn't love her, I loved who I thought she was
I know I will see her again, when the leaves are dust
She is so sorry
Sorry I'm sad
She got to live the life
The life I never had

I yearn to forget the name of Autumn
Until the season leaves, fall from the pealing trees
I will lie in the lies of the baked brown leaves
Crumple them one by one, calming myself, forming ease
Chills form around my neck
The same spot my mother gripped my throat
It is so hard to love someone, who despises being loved
My mother, a liar, a man sitting above

My words to you
Always silenced by me
I starve them at the tip of my tongue
The same you did, when you were young
Not with your words, but with your food
I'm begging you, keep your sanity
Stay on your feet, a little longer for me
Or I will lift off mine, and onto a rope in your purple tree

I'm grieved with a lonely absence
The silence cannot set me free
Only your shriveled touch
The one I never see
You told me not to worry
So worry I had not
You told me you would get better
And better you had not

I only wish you understood
I would love you, if I could
I lie under your purple tree
A rope in my hand
A weary kid at ease
No longer on his worn down knees
To hang myself
In your purple tree

Your skin, is as thin as light
Your eyes, they're dim, as dark as night
You told me you would wake up today
I hoped and I prayed, where were you in May
June came by, my birthday arrived
You wrapped your bony fingers around my neck
Your frail veins poked at my weary skin
Let go of me! Sin after sin!

I suffered your wrath of rough brutality
Days went by, pain I wish I didn't see
No one understands me
No one can feel my pain
My anorexic mother
Took my internal existence of happiness away
I want to end my broken life
A broken home, a shattered knife

You cried for me to call the police
I ran for the phone, but it didn't cease me
I ran out the door, searching for safety
I got lost in myself, laid in my misery
Now I'm dwelling on the repeating past
Are you eating right? Are you done with your fast?
You will never be normal, I said it three times
Can I meet you in Heaven? Who is my mother behind this skinny disguise?

I dreamt of your fragil face tonight
The same skinny way it was when you were mine
Your grip on reality frightened me
You lost yourself in your calories
I hooked you up to your feeding machine
It wouldn't leave me alone, it wouldn't let me be
On and off it beeped and beeped
The alarm so high pitched, echoed, like your screaming

Nothing I did was good enough for you
Coffee was too difficult
Eggs was all I could do
I sang to you our song, chew, chew...
I am a bag of wind
Blowing meaningless sense into you
You dropped your cigarette, stepped, crushing, ashes
The same you did to me, throwing, mashes, crashes

I treated you like royalty
You deserved the best
On your death bed again
Varying on the wish that your small life would end
Why did you leave me?
When I needed you most
It was a tragic ending
I won't see you again

I listen to the sirens
File at my house
They remind me of your feeding tube
Why did you rip it out?
I'm hiding in my neighbors tree
I need some hope, don't find me please
Eventually, I could describe you as this tree
Never to be the same again, never to love me

The sweet taste of the warm tsunami brought a smile to my lips
It left a bubbly moustache, surrounding the mishap peach fuzz above my lip
Suliva also clung
And I held onto it so

Don't let go of me
Lie with me in the snow
You can sing a soft tune
That's all I needed to know

When your soft lips pressed against me
A lingering feeling crept up on me
HOPE
I will take it and run with it

What do you feed the wind?
I told her she looked lovely
Her ribs plastered on the outside of her body
Mother was the wind, complete perfection
Only one flaw
So tiny, So small
That was the problem
So tiny, so small

What do you feed the wind?
You fit through the holes of my fingertips
Yours were painted red, falling like your perception on digestion
I placed your cain into your wind
And we stumbled off, your beauty within
I wish you were to eat today
But there are always other days
Unless I take the easy way out, dismay

What do you feed the wind?
Father, stop calling
I know it's time to eat
I'm trying to feed the wind
I only pray it doesn't **** me in
Mother, what will satisfy your needs?
What else is there to feed the wind
Other than loneliness, your selfish binge

I'll regret zipping up the back of her skinny, white dress
I'll regret watching her walk down the aisle, one again
I'll regret watching her latest lover Hanz
Taint her lips with a ******, rich kiss
I'll remember her chanting words he said
"I'm a disappointment ..."
I'll remember her laying in bed all day
"Want a smoke?" She'd crazily choke out

I know I shouldn't live
In the future or past
But there's nothing left to turn to
No happiness will ever last
I will try hard to be normal
Careless, not meaningful
But my thoughts jumble up
And I'm labeled an ***

A ****** rich kid spat on me today
"You look like the kind of boy who shops at Glitters."
Oh really? That makes me feel great
"The last time I was in Glitters my mother had a seizure."
He also decided to call me a nerd
Reminding me of the boy last week who called me, "That gay one."
Everything, all of it, is my "mothers" fault

I don't want to be something I am not
But what I'm not is what I need to be
If only my mother would give it some thought
To **** herself already, I hope you rot

What will you say
When he stops breathing
Take the blame
Form a lie
Watch your torn children fall in line
Forget about him
Hide the tragedy
Let your teething guilt eat you alive?

Wait, I forgot mother
Do you ever eat?
Where did you go?
You're what I need
I yearn for a real mom
To tuck me in
To play a game, let me win
I'm a victim of your heartbreaking sin

Your starving toll to death
Became my triumphant downfall
People say I'll be okay
But what was the Devils price to pay?
A slap on the wrist
A depressed kid
Ending his life
Not wishing he never did