So tall, old oak wood
So stronge, long roots in the ground
Some comfort he brings

Lost in a body that remembers
She can feel every touch
Unable to move an inch
For if she moved she'd loose to much
Content to stay frozen
With his memory on her lips
But restless to get moving
And travel many trips
She is frozen by the fear
Of moving on and letting go
Yet set in motion by the need
To do what freezes her so

Write me into the world
Leave me a mark on the shore
Carve me a heart in a tree
Paint me on all you can see
Read me aloud to those who'll listen
Sing me like your favorite song
Whistle my name into the wind
Shout until the mountains bend
Picture me as I was before
Remember me like a child's dream
Feel me beside you as you go
Hear the love I couldn't show

Put me down on your paper
Keep me up in your head
And when no one can hear you
Hold these words I have said

Thank you to everyone who liked and shared my poetry. It was nice to have a place to reach out but I feel I should go. I've been keeping more and more of my writing to myself, it is hard to be open when any emotions I let go leads to backlash. I'm probably going to leave my page up here and post some more things from the last few months but after tomorrow I'm not going to get back up here. This is a chapter I should of closed a long time ago.

One day:

One day you will not love me
The way you loved me
Once apon a yesterday

One day you will love her
And I will crumble
As my heart with you will stay

One day you will look back
And our love will be
But a sweet, memory

And that one day is the day
That my love for you
Will bloom into misery

Extention:

Today:

You do not love me
The way you loved me
Once apon a yesterday

Today you love her
And I love him
But with you half my heart stays

Today you look back
As if our love
Were just a bitter memory

And today I know
That all my love boomed
Was a tale of misery

I had forgotten how I loved you
And that is exactly what I had intended to do

And so as my payment I now can see
That you have elected to completely forget me

Enthralled by your majesty
I fell to my knees
And that was exactly
Where you wanted me

For through wars with no end
I would of treversed for my king
Even with no voice
For you I could sing

Of our battles and scars
I still had no woes
Even when peiced
By their swords and bows

For I was the Lanelot
To you, my king Arthur
But too, a maiden in love
Though clad in armor

Yet now I am nothing
Blown away with the breeze
A memory once strong
Forgotten with ease

I know now with sadness  
My pedestal was false
Just a seat for your toy,
A doll with no pulse

Yes it is clear now
My significance a lie
Crafted by an enslaved man
A "king" on high

Dark is the absence of light
It absorbs light
That is this feeling
Draining all that is good
It absorbs my common sense
So that all is left is irrational fear
Panic
The more you resist
The bigger it gets
" stay calm"
Is a useless defense
Breathing
Just leads to hyperventilation
Not breathing?
Not really an option
All that's left
Is sit down
And shut the **** up
wait for it to pass
Plus, patience
Witch, you know
Ha

Breath hunny, let it out
Let it float away in silence
There is no need to shout
Breath hunny, for one day
You will find a love like the one
That remorsfuly cast you away
Breath hunny, for you will learn
To love him, as you loved him
Your feedom you will earn
Breath hunny, this is just life
Not every relationship works
It's all just part of the strife

He holds on to me
Like a child
Instantly I am floating
Like an ocean
His need for me
Is the curent
Pulling me peafuly
Out to sea
Bubbly sea foam
Surounds my heart
Floating my troubles away
All the concerns me now
Is that he is sleeping sound

I sit silent
As my pain sits quiet
In the back of my head
The back of my heart
I must make room
In honor of you
Every inch of me
You filled to the brim
Every one of those inches
I'll slowly give to him
Not because I hate you
I am not mad
I will always love you
With every inch
But I'm learning now
That those inches must be shared
For the sake of my sanity
For the sake of yours
I must be prepared
To fall in love again

All I want is for you to hold me
To tell me you love me
But I know you won't
So instead
I push you away
I want you to come back
Because you say you want to
But you stand your ground
As I close the gates
I want you to want me
I want this pain to go away
I want to explain how dead I am inside
I want you to really hear me
As I'm begging silently
Behind my anger and frustration

But all I do is make this worse

So instead

I just say "I'm okay"
And hope that at least you
Are having a good day

alone in my mind
the world can be left behind
but night mares follow

I can't take it anymore
This feeling within
I need to brake out
From beneath my skin
Out comes my old frineds
Let the therapists begin

They draw out the pain
That was hiding underneath
My sorros poor away
As they flash their sharp teeth
And when I am cured
They go back in their sheaths

I can't take it anymore
This feeling within
I need to brake out
From beneath my skin
Out comes my old frineds
Let the therapists begin

They draw out the pain
That was hiding underneath
My sorros poor away
As they flash their sharp teeth
And when I am cured
They go back in their sheaths

one day a giant stepped on a flower
it wasn't big flower
for it was still growing
a sprout not to long ago
but it had just began to bud
ready to say hello to the sun
and ***** you to the world
because it had beaten the odd's
many had tried to grow here
and all had failed
lang long before they even grew pods
but this flower was different
a beautiful color
peaked out of it's bulb
and it's fragrance
already lighted everybody's  day
but this flower did not know
in witch garden it did grow
for giants don't like flowers
no matter how pretty and sweet

You are like a black whole
And if you were a nerd
You would understand how amazing that is
You would know
That I am paying you the highest compliment

Peel away my layers
Until all that's left is me
But never forget
That this isn't all I can be

Waiting for your messages
Knowing you probably already read mine
Fear creeping up my spine
Reloading the page a million times
And once more

Just to be sure

Some people's demons
Look at them through different eyes
Mine stair silently back
From the mirror before me

Paint the walls
Paint the floors
Paint the cracks
Bettween the doors
Paint your love
The prettiest hue
Paint a smile
Just for you
Paint the trees
And paint the roses
Make everything
The color of posies
And while you're at it
Paint the lasses
The ones who dance
And sing of ashes
Paint the town
And paint the world
But leave untouched
One little girl
For if you Paint
All over her
You'll forget about
Who you were

Sharp things on my bed'
Look so much better colored red
Maybe they should

"Hey kitty kitty,
take care of momma for me"
But momma needs you. . . .

What did they say to you
That's made you so scared


That I'm no longer worth fighting for

Is what I see real
Or a holusinaton
Made of jelousie

Reach out and give me your hand
Please take me to wonderland
For last night I bumped my head
And woke up to a land so dead
The creatures here have beady eyes
They find their fun in spreading lies
I do not like this rechid place
Each second is a frightening chase
My heart doesn't know what to do
I no longer know what's false or true
But how will I ever get away
I just want to find a better day
So take me now I don't care where
Yes, Mr. Rabbit, I'll go anywhere

Contacts in
Yeah, I can kinda see
And people seem to be
Looking at ME
But where is the plastic
Against my nose
Against my finger
In the wind
As I try to push up
My shield against the weather
I have to blink so much more
This is defiantly

Not cool

In

Having to tell yourself

Out

To breath

In

Is a hard thing to do

Out

It hurts

In

But if I don't tell myslef

Out

I'll stop

What if they hate me
For a good reason
What if it's something
That I can't change

What do I do then

It's silly

You're a little rodent
And you're smelly
And you like caterpillars
Even when they grow wings
And I just can't believe
The way you love the little things

Like me

Except the smelly part

Just the part about caterpillars
And the little things

And it's silly

But we're silly
And that's the best part
The part that I need
The part that warms my heart

You're like sweet chocolate
Which I know you don't like
But I love

Yep
that's us

And it's silly

How you've wiggled your way like a worm
Into the grooves of my mind
So deep into my memory
That you'll never be left behind

Because everything I do
Has little parts of you

And that's silly
And amazing
And human

And worth waiting for

Even if waiting is silly

No, don't make me go
Many terrors are waiting
To goble me whole

I was standing in the mall
My Becky in tow
We were looking for dresses
That you already know
For I was texting you
And we had found the perfect ones
I had sent you 'A' picture
(You were lucky it wasn't tones)
But she needed matching shoes
So we hurried to the next shop
And that was when I got the call
But my heart didn't drop
It was from you !
I said HEY! ! In my usual happy tone
But it wasn't you
On the other end of the phone
He sounded like you
So it wasn't till his name rang in my ears
That I began to feel the pain
Then I felt the tears
I calapsed in a seat
As he began to rant on
Telling me how horible I was
And how I was 'wrong'
Saying to stay away
That this wasn't your choice
That you were to young
To have your own voice
I couldn't even fight
I just said okay
I hung up the phone
And I walked away
I was surrounded by people
I didn't know
Excluding one
Who saw the whole show
She hurried me out to the car
Where I could curl up and die
Because after that call
I could no longer cry

I left so I wouldn't be alone
And now I'm coming home
The tears that I wouldn't let fall
Rain as I stumble down the hall
My stomach churns like an empty pit
The door is closed like we left it
My cat is waiting  when it opens
His loving face is where my strength ends
I wrap him in my arms so tight
Wishing he could understand my fight
My family argues through the house
Wile I hide quietly as a mouse
Hiding in the closet that I once feared
I pretend that I have disappeared
Yes this is the home I've come home to
My home sweet home, what can I do?

Tears on my face
I run for my place
No shoes on my feet
I've admitted defeat
Mud between my toes
Fresh air in my nose
Spiders in the grass
Sprawled out on my ***
Clouds passing by
I stair up at the sky
Here I don't hide
What I'm holding inside
Here I can scream
Blow off my steam
Here you're not real
Here I don't feel
It's like I don't exist
A feeling I can't resist

This last place I can call my own
Where I can finally be alone

Hold up
Wait
What did you just say?
After so long of convincing me to stay?
You think I'm gunna run away

you're funny

I'm not worried about if I'll cut tonight
I'm not worried about the panic attacks I WILL have
I'm not worried about not being able to eat
Or throwing up anyway
Or crying when nobodies around
I'm not worried about me
I've been through this pain so many times
It's like a stupid broken record
That I'm about to just throw away

I'm worried about you. . . .
What are you doing?
Are you talking to her. . .
Forgiving her. . .
Learning to hate me. . . Finally. . .
Are you hurting, in your room
Are YOU able to eat?
Are you putting the knife down clean?
Are you waking up in sweats
Are you crying and broken?

Are you okay. . .

I guess I know you're not. . .
But I want to know how not okay you are. . .
I want to know that you are at least functioning
I want to know that your dad isn't hurting you
Physically or mentally
I want to know that you aren't alone
That no matter how much I hate him
He is there being your friend
Making you smile
Making you laugh. . . .
Because laughing always makes you feel better
And I know you hate being alone. . .
I don't want you to be alone

So I'm worried
And every time I think about you
Feeling the way I feel right now
I panic and I can't breath
I'm so worried that you are all I dream about
I'm so worried that when tomorrow comes
You will have your head down in the hall. . . .
Hearing nobody at all. . .
Alone. . .
I'm worried because I can't do anything
He said. . . To look walk the other way
And she will be watching. . .
Making sure I do nothing to help
Running to tell if I even smile at you
Wave. . .
I don't want to be the cause of more pain

Yes I'm worried. . .

I'm worried that I might of destroyed the most beautiful person I know

You know what I want?
I want you back in my bed
Back in my arms
Skin to skin
Your calm breath
And strong arms
Letting me fall asleep
Chasing all my fears away

I've never slept better then in your arms

I hate this
I
Hate
This
All the words I try to put down
Are so full of ****
You'd think I had crap stuck in my teeth
I'm tired
Really ******* tired
I'm tired of being told I'm crazy
By the craziest ***** I know
Tired of being told I'M trouble
By a man who would lock up his son
Tired of being treated like the problem
Just because it's the easest choice
And I'm really ******* tired
Of trying to rhyme my poems
Rhyming is beautiful
Rhyming has rythm
And right now I don't have the patience for either
My words do not have beauty
They are full of anger and PAIN
And they do not have rythm
They are wild and uncontrollable
It's unbarable
I am a writer
I am a ******* poet
I guess I just lost my muse

Trying to force these words
Down onto this paper
Trying to explain how I feel
It's like a special kind of torture
That I must push through
To remind myself I'm real

Tell me all the lies you have spun
I will always listen
Even if I'm the only one
I will always be here
Hiding from the monsters
That have surrounded us
Trust that
Trust me
Because you're right
This was always how it was going to be
We knew this was a war
We knew new we would loose
But we put up a valiant fight
The perfect underdogs, me and you
Soon we'll both be free
You. . .
Not as soon as me. . .
But what is a year or so
In the prospect of eternity?

Are you lying?
Because she says you are
She says
That everybody knew
That I just like
Getting lied to
He says
Stay the **** away
What a great way
To end our last day
You say. . .
You say nothing
You leave me here
Not knowing what is real
You were real
But now I don't know
Where did you go. . . .
How long has this night mare
Been weaving it's way to my heart?
Just like all the rest
This one just as ****
Real or not real?
Why does it matter now?
One foot away
From six feet in the ground

I should of never woken up
That breath should of been my last
And now two years have past

Why does everything still hurt?

"Run run lost boy they say to me
                                   Away from all of Reality"

Your words break me, shake me
But this is the way it had to be
I had to finally set you free
Baby I love you, can't you see
All the things I can't do for thee
A beautiful soul but you tread so hesitantly
For this world is not made of pleasantries
And my heart never came perfectly
It is a survivor of puppetry
Broken from insanity
Programed like a computer to flee
Victem to my faulty circuitry
Why do you insist to have this blasphemy
Is it really worth those small moments of glee
I'm sorry but I do not agree
You deserve so much more than this decree
And you heart might be left thirsty
But it is me who must carry on as an amputee
For you were like a leg that supported me
And I was a tumor that burdened thee
So now maybe you can live healthy
And awaken to a better reality

You said time
Not space
But aren't they the same?
At least in this case. . .

"We are meant to be"
Doesn't change anything
We are not to be

Falling down this whole
With only you're hand to hold
I watch us unfold

There once was a man on border patrol
With a heart not unlike a massive black hole
He wore his uniform with brilliant pride
As he sent immigrants back to the right side
A hero of the nation
Into the night he would ride
Some nights he would find twas not a soul to be found
As he searched the dry, sand covered ground
But on others he’d find, much to his delight
Many to which he was not so polite
Harsh and cruel was he
Always, he was a true knight
One day as the patrolman was on the job
Some animals came to start a large mob
They were angry with the hero, they did not agree
“America” they shouted “should be FREE”
He smiled and with sound mind replied
“Not if it was up to me”
They raged at this, which made him chuckle
Until one of them struck and jaw met brass knuckle
Seeing this act of violence, more law men jumped in
The law was the law, and the law would win
just as it should be
just as it hasn’t been
But the patrolman was put away
And the immigrants got to stay
Because not all stories have happy endings
At the end of the day

And there was a politician
His skin as orange as the California sun
A smile that made children want to run
Such a man whom all loved to hate
With a belly that made you wonder what he ate
He wished to “Make America great again”
All the while supporting Saddam Hussein
He was the true ‘Murican, he could not sin
Unlike those immigrants with their coloured skin
He was a violent soul to manys’ dislike
With a voice that sounded like a motorbike
However he would still bellow
Of how he was just a common fellow  
With a loan of a million dollars from his father
To start his business, though no one would bother
Failure after failure with no success
He now tries to add a nation to his mess

But the little things you do
Make me love you
More and more each day
So forgive me if I say
That I might never
Find another lover
Who makes me smile
A smile that's worth while
Because all my heart
Though it's not smart
Is filled with you
And the little things you do