who do you think we were
before the end of time?

i'm sure the words fell flat
and the songs couldn't even rhyme?

your eyes were still brown, i know
and the days flowed into night --
but all else had changed,
nothing could ever seem right.

you're the only constant
in this hectic, mayday world
i just hope that its iron-clad grasp
on you will soon uncurl.

i hope somebody new
breaks my heart soon
because god, am i sick and through
of writing sad poems all about you

i did it,
i finally got what i wanted

(or, what i told myself
time and time again
that i wanted
needed,
deserved,
— because you're right
i was afraid).

i've never been able to write anything
beautiful about you.
not when i was happy with you
at least.

i'm not sure why.
i don't have a clue,
but maybe it was the universe
giving me a sign.

you're wonderful --
a sweetheart, really and truly.
i never knew someone's eyes
could shine so effervescently blue,
and deep too.

but you weren't the one.
you couldn't have been.

i wish i didn't
mistake someone who
liked me
and would put up with me
singing out loud in the car
and sleeping all day
with the one.

you won't come back.
i know it this time.

you blocked me from your memory
completely and wholly
got rid of me.

(it was my idea;
i have to remind myself)

i'll send your things
and you'll send mine.
this wasn't supposed to be
a love story for all time.

just another failed relationship
like the last one, and the one before that.
i was too much,
you not enough,
complications arose,
and we fell flat.

you already have someone.
he's wonderful too.
i lose them all, push them away.
i wish i didn't,
nut i do.

can we go back to the
snowy night where the world changed?
you don't sound like you want to
well — things can't stay the same

can they?

and i wish i could slit my wrists and
write about you in the note
to tell the entire world about
the monster you are.
you wouldn't even be able
to argue because it would be
your word against a
dead girl's --
but you're not worth it.
god, you've never been worth it

i wish i could go back to the night where
i decided to settle for you
and knock some sense into myself
snakes shouldn't lie with
doves. they swallow them whole.
i know that now
i wish i knew it then

i'm done thinking about you
in waves of cuddly, familiar nostalgia
i'm done thinking about you
and wishing i could go back
i never want to go back
it wasn't cuddly when you pushed me
into the corner and slapped me across
the face like
you were my mother
(familiar, but not cuddly --
you stopped being cuddly
when you realized i would
fight back)

you're funny because you love
to throw the blame and shame
at me for starting fights
when i never notice
you come around unless
i say something incriminating
you're absent unless you're
defending yoruself

i read somewhere that
certain people have trouble
ending things

i have the opposite problem.
i can't begin them.

into the smoke-filled haze we fell.

down and down; faster and faster. the darkness encapsulated us and for a split second, i thought i had lost him forever. visions of a life lost and confused flashed before my eyes and my fear multiplied tenfold.

then, a hand reached out and grabbed my forearm. as that was happening, we were nearing the ground. excitement and relief rushed over me at the realization that i wasn't alone in all of this. the stars collided, galaxies burst and we were the blackest hole in the universe.

we were almost infinite.

and then we crashed