[15:43, 6/5/2019] You: I trust you
[15:43, 6/5/2019] You: I really do
[15:43, 6/5/2019] You: And I love you (platonically)
[15:43, 6/5/2019] You: And I really, really do want to help you
[15:43, 6/5/2019] You: So let me in

[15:44, 6/5/2019] Me: Sorry I'm crying just a little

[15:44, 6/5/2019] You: I don't care how dark it is in your mind, how desperate you are or how much you want to scream or cry
[15:44, 6/5/2019] You: I will hold you and help you, help you get back to lighter places. And until then, you can scream and cry but with me on your side
[15:44, 6/5/2019] You: I promise
[15:44, 6/5/2019] (response to 'sorry, I'm crying just a little') You: Hey it's okay, I'm here

[15:45, 6/5/2019] Me: Why are you saying this?

[15:45, 6/5/2019] You: Because I mean it
[15:45, 6/5/2019] You: Because you deserve so so many good things
[15:46, 6/5/2019] You: Because I want to help you

[15:47, 6/5/2019] Me: It's just
[15:47, 6/5/2019] Me: I'm so tired of saying that I'm fine but as soon as I say that I'm not people shut me out
[15:48, 6/5/2019] Me: I'm not used to anything else

[15:48, 6/5/2019] You: I understand, I've been there

[15:48, 6/5/2019] Me: Really?

[15:48, 6/5/2019] You: But you can always say the truth to me, always
[15:48, 6/5/2019] (Response to 'Really?') You: Yes really
[15:48, 6/5/2019] You: And god, how I wish I could me honest to someone, anyone
[15:49, 6/5/2019] You: But I'm here, and I don't care how bad you feel just be honest

Remember kids, ****** is never the answer. ****** is, of course, the question. And the answer is yes.

Remember kids, if you ever stab someone, punch them where you're gonna stab. They'll think you punched really hard, they won't realised you stabbed them.

I got a F for my test

It's so weird to say this, I feel like a terrible person. I can't promise that I won't feel shame, regret or fear, writing this, but I just want to be able to feel this way to you for a minute. I wanna hold you, shout at you, and scream in your face how pathetic you are, but I can't. I get that you feel bad sometimes, but I know you aren't depressed. You self-diagnose yourself with everything you can imagine. Not liking to talk to people isn't "exteme social anxiety." Feeling sad sometimes isn't "Depression and suicidal thoughts." Cutting the tips of your fingers once a month isn't "Before someone finds me dead in my room." And I get you want to make something beautiful out of the things you feel, but sadness isn't beautiful. You are misusing these things I feel, to create something. I get that you 'Want to feel, and be a part of this.' But you aren't. You keep complaining about how bad you feel. You shut up when you 'Almost commited suïcide.' but as soon as you get a single feeling that is not hapiness, you push it onto me. You drag me down because you feel all this terrible stuff. And I know you don't mean it wrong, but I'm so tired of having to feel this way too. That boy, you know, T, he made sure we all paid for his feelings. I ran after him for 3 miles, to stop him from taking the train to Hadestown. I don't wanna chase after you. I get that you haven't figured out your sexuality yet, and that you're confused. I get that you haven't figured out your gender yet. But I know you aren't pangender, or genderfluid. I just know. You always seek attention from me, and when I don't give it, you become 'sad' again. You're so pathetic, and words can't describe the hate I feel sometimes

Yes, feelings ****. Not that I have a lot of them, but the ones I have **** me up, and mess with my brain, body and mental health. The only place I still feel genuine hapiness is with you. I'm happy in a lot of other places, with a lot of other people. And I wouldn't wanna change those moments. But I'm never the same happy I am with you. I've never felt something quite like that hapiness. I used to see you pass by in the hallway, and still, if I pass you by, my eyes light up a little. It used to be hard to find you in a crowded place, now your face is the only face I seem to find. You don't wear colorful clothes, but you always catch my eye. You light up those really dark places, just by being there. You don't even need to smile. I don't think a lot of people see that. I don't think you see that. But I do. And I don't think I would still be able to see in the dark without that light. I'd stumble and fall, over and over again. And it's okay if I have to walk there, alone in the dark, for a little while, because I know that if I'd fall again, you'd be there to catch me. Maybe not now, Maybe not everytime, but someday, in the future, It may be.

The conversation went like this:

J: "Hello daughter"
(It's an inside joke, we have a whole family tree :)
Me: [Looks at J]
J: "uh, Son"
L: "Son!"
L: [Smiles and hugs me real tight]
(L is trans too)
J: "How dare you ignore your mother"
Me: [Hugs J too]
Us: [Laugh]

I don't want to write, or do anything else. I have energy, but a lack of motivation. I don't care about my words anymore, they're just sentences smacked together. I want to dream. Just lucid dream, until the sun rises for the 5th time. Until you'll be mine.