He says: you are challenging.

I remember as I am stopped at a green light
a woman parked in traffic
******* resting
indifferently along the edge of her window.

She wore her hair in a single knotted bun.
I flip my rear view mirror towards myself and
think how similar our reflections
must have seemed this morning.

I see this woman.
She instills confidence within each of my
greying baby hairs
too wily to be tamed by pins or other measures

Like every hair on my body
that remains too black, too think.

You are so challenging, he says through too straight teeth.

I remember the metal cage and its particular feel along my gums.

And while I hold gaze
at this perfect woman
who does not notice the rays
of sun and its mellow glow
floating above her shoulders

I move my tongue to the brim of my lips
where I still hold memories of
prayers for perfect, straight teeth in
scar tissue of a mouth
that indifferently held its position.

my first crush committed suicide.
i remember the hurt at a young age
from chasing him around his living room
begging him for a kiss.
from my young age i knew i wanted him
in my life forever.
through his weaves and gagging
running around the furniture and up the stairs,
losing him sounded foreign then
and having lost him now, still feels the same.
our fathers drank and our mothers giggled
born three months apart
our future planned together
both saying "i do"
uniting us all together.
life flew on by
us both fighting with ourselves
and downing the bottles underneath the bed
loaded and silenced
family portraits painted in red
long life memories all put to rest.
only one made it out alive
but it's hard to breathe
out of us how was it me
and you in a little box
where a diamond ring should be.
my mind keeps wondering
when will i stop chasing you
then my heart replays
every time you turned a corner
you looked over your shoulder
and how you smiled at me.

I was born with insanity in my bones
fire burning in my lungs
with smoke blowing past my lips
cracks in every word
as if I would never be whole again
living brought the agony
of trying to understand
who I was
in a world that was telling me
who not to be
and I was everything that they
said no to
sleep was nonexistent
behind hooded eyes
and no way to realize
I was not to blame for falling apart
trying to stitch myself together
with all of the pain I felt
I only knew what it meant
to be racing against my own
biological clock
ready to escape the cage of my own demise
at any moment
if only someone had the reason
to leave the door unlocked,
hope that someday someone would
trust me with the key
until I realized that the key
was inside me,
I was just too focused on the insanity in my bones
to pull it out of my own swollen throat
and create my own freedom

Im the most
successful
Failure
Of myself

If we lived in a world
Where you didn’t age a day until you met your soulmate
I would have gotten my first grey hair
When I met you